I can't think of one single person that wouldn't be better off if I was dead

[squaretoes]

DH hates me, my mental health is an excuse. He wants to leave but can't afford to right now and when I cry or be sad he tells me to stop sulking.

If I was dead he would get my life insurance.

DD barely has a mother, I am anxious and paranoid and scared and depressed.

My work are paying me for not being there because I'm so ill.

My friends are all fed up of the excuses and having to support me.

I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I just want to be happy. I have done stupid things to try and make myself happy. Nothing has worked. I just want my life back.

I hurt, I want it to stop. I haven't even NC, what's the point. I don't expect a reply. I don't deserve one. I am so selfish and a waste of space.

If I said this to DH or showed him this he would tell me I am having a pity party.

I'm tired

It is a pity party, yes, DH has told me today that it's over. He doesn't love me. I understand why

I've lost my life, I've lost DH.

I've been depressed and anxious for years, it's been particularly bad since DD was born. She was a preemie. I have been failing her since day 1

Well that's pretty devastating. Is this what has triggered how you feel this evening or did you feel the same before?

That's triggered it. I haven't been well for months though

You haven't been failing her at all. Do you even know or recognise how much strength it takes to get through that and all that comes afterwards?
You've been through a trauma, something you weren't expecting. It's a really hard lesson to learn. Was she your first?

He's been my rock, for so long. That's bound to destroy him. I'm not good to him. Everything he has said is true.

Yes, DD was my first. She's 4 now

It sounds like you have delayed shock. How old is she?

She was born at 26 weeks. She was very poorly

You can't see how valuable you are to your family due to your state of mind. It is flooding your brain with negative thoughts and making you feel worthless.It is the illness making you feel like this.Please seek help,, your family will never be the same after your suicide, their life will be ruined.This time next year, you will feel differently, you are just in desperate need of help.

Do you think you are the first person to need support through something like this? You wouldn't believe how normal your reaction is to what has happened.
Are you ever kind to yourself? :)
Put what is happening with your H on the back burner for now. You need to look after YOU

26 weeks is very early. So she was in hospital a long time and presumably you've had professionals involved since
That's alot to take all in one go, with your first. I really think this is delayed shock
Have you not had any counselling at all?
This is a massive trauma squaretoes and I know you'll have felt alone but it's very common to cope with something like this and those emotions to start coming out further down the line. You've done really well and coped really well. Your daughter wouldn't be here without you

OP I really feel for you! If you're feeling suixidal, please go to A&E and tell them. They will get in touch with adult mental health and prioritise you. You shouldn't be feeling suicidal and have no support. Services do prioritise people with suicidal thoughts. You and also access psychotherapy organisations eg BPF or even institute of psychoanalysis for good quality low cost intensive therapy which it sounds like you could make use of.

She probably would, the NNU were amazing. I think I might ring the crisis team. I had some CBT in the past

My uncle killed himself when his dd was 4. He wasn't the greatest dad in the world, but he loved her very much. He thought everyone would be better off without him. My cousin had a good mum, and my uncle thought that'd be enough. It wasn't. My cousin is 27 now, and emotionally she's a wreck. She's a beautiful person who doesn't deserve the grief she feels every day, not just the loss of her dad, but the overwhelming guilt and rejection.
I'm sure your DD is a beautiful person too. Give her the gift of staying. Whatever you can't give her...and right now you may feel like you don't have much to offer.
But give her a mummy. Love, cherish her. Be there.
Take each breath one at a time, each hour, each minute, each day. Put one foot in front of the other. That's all.
This too shall pass.

He wouldn't get the oif insurance if you killed yourself.

Please figh for yourself and get help. Plenty of people on here will listen and help.

Ring the crisis team
But please don't underestimate the pressure this will have put on you and how it will have undermined your confidence. Do not underestimate how amazing you have been too! You are the most important thing in that girls life

I deserve to feel like this. I have treated him horribly. I'm horrible to everyone

Why wouldn't he get the life insurance?

I'm pretty sure suicide isn't covered

My insurance company said they wouldn't pay out if I commit suicide

No, I doubt the life insurance would pay out in a suicide, there have been times when that's what's stopped a friend of mine

Well, that scuppered plans for last night...DH is being a bit cruel this morning, he can't understand why I am upset. It's heartbreaking. When I cry he just says he can't talk to me if I am going to be wingeing. He says we should be able to deal with breaking up as adults and that appears to mean not being sad. I know I need to just man up and let him go. I'm struggling