I've fucked up big time

[MummySparkle]

I've really fucked up today.

I've not been feeling well for a while, with thoughts of harming getting stronger. I harmed this evening. Stupid thing was we had a lovely day with the DCs. Went to the zoo and generally had a wonderful time.

I've managed to land myself a referral to the specialist plastic surgery hospital in the area because minor injuries were unable to sort it and the big hospital would do the same anyway. But I need an assessment from the crisis team first. The MIU didn't have a crisis team and they were already closed by the time they had finished having a look at me and sorting the referral. They told me to drive over to the big hospital to be seen by the crisis team so that the specialist place can make an appointment.

I've really fucked up, I thought I would be in and out in half an hour. I wasn't. DP is really angry with me and made me come home. I'm going to see the crisis team in the morning. Waiting in a&e all night to be seen would be hellish.

I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. It's an important day, but obviously I can't go. DP is so a ft with me. I'll have to get up in the morning with the DCs. I might just goingoing work anyway. The MIU did a good job at patching t up for the meanwhile, which is fine so long as I don't move too much.

Fuck Fuchs fuck fuck fuckety fuck. I feel so ashamed, I didn't mean for it to be that bad and now I've got myself into a ridiculous mess

Oh bloody hell I keep putting my foot in it.

glad your patched up

I'm on the way home now. Tired, but not too sore. DP is annoyed because I'm going to go into work tomorrow. I'd much rather be there and feeling useful than sitting home with not much to do. And, frankly, helping some 6thformers with some computer submissions will be less strenuous than trying to wrestle 2 toddlers into clothes!

Chocolateaddict don't worry

No planned follow up with the MH team. Doesn't really make that much sense to me. I have an appointment with CPN in a few weeks, but she is on leave this week. If I'm struggling then I can call and talk to whoever is on duty / the crisis team.

Surgeon said I came close to paralysing my hand.

You came close but you didn't! So you can tell yourself well done for stopping when you did.

I'm not sure I'm ready to stop

I don't want to harm. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the self-harming failiure of a mother. I want to be happy, I want my family to be happy, I want everybody to be healthy. But there is a big big gap between where I am and where I want to be. I don't have the energy to fight my way to the top again. I've been crawling, very very slowly, but each time I slip again.

I don't know, maybe things will be better in the morning. I am sore now. I need to talk over what happened in theatre with soneone. DP doesn't want to know (fair enough) and it's not really something you chat about. Not sure how to debrief myself

Bed now. Maybe things will feel better in the morning

Right. Today is day 1 of changing things around. I hurt. Lots.

Just seen a heron fly overhead. That's a positive, they're beautiful. The DCs got up super early, but that means I can hear the dawn chorus with my cigarette.

I didn't sleep well, pain kept waking me up. Will take some painkillers in a moment. Had vivid dreams again. And imnot sure I can get the DCs ready one handed.

MummySparkle

Just read the whole thread and I really hope I don't sound patronising but you're doing so well.

Your love for your children and your desire to shield them from your struggles comes through in everything you type.

I didn't mean well done for stopping for good (although you can and will do that, when you are ready, and we will be cheering you on!) I meant well done for stopping at the time. Yes you self harmed and did some damage and could have paralysed your hand BUT you stopped cutting before that happened.

I'm glad you've found some positives this morning and enjoyed the heron and the dawn chorus

It would be good if there was someone you could talk to. Do you have an understanding, supportive friend? Are you getting any therapy atm, and if not could you ask your GP? Another option would be to call the Women's Self Injury Helpline (M-F 7-10pm) on 0808 800 8088.

Good for you Sparkle. Positive thinking. But be gentle and kind to yourself too and take small steps. Hope work was OK and your dh a bit calmer.

Gah, I've replied to this twice now but they haven't posted :(

I've been trying to see the positives today. Work was very busy, thankfully I was mostly doing computer work all day to try and get a student to make a deadline - we made it! The entirety of their sketchbooks have to be submitted electronically, so everything needs to be scanned, cropped, rotated and then edited into one big document. Aaah! Took us all day.

my two colleagues have been really lovely. I called the head of department on Tuesday to explain what was going on and that I might not be in today. She said to me today that she was proud of me for being brave and letting people know what is happening for me. And thinking about it, she's right. When I was at college the most I would say was that I 'had a headache' if I was calling to say I wouldn't be in. Even though they knew about my MH struggles. And that annoyed everyone and nobody really knew where they stood. I've always told my boss what's happening in a matter of fact way. Obviously they don't need to know the ins and outs of it all, but it's so much easier for me, and I think for them too, that we all know what's going on. Both of them asked me how I was feeling, what had happened at the hospital etc and looked out for me and told me off for trying to lift stuff

I did get a call from my CMHT earlier to see how I was doing. They'd received my discharge paperwork from yesterday so wanted to check I was okay. They're closed until Tuesday now so wanted to make sure I feel able to call the crisis team or the mental health matters helpline. And I think I will if needs be. Hopefully I won't need to.

I'm a bit sad that it's the school holidays. In a way I'm glad of the break from work although I've brought a bit home even though I don't have to But two long weeks without any structure seems hard. And long, and, well, different to my routine. I don't like different. At least nursery is still running in the holidays,l

Hello sparkle so glad it's all over and you didn't do too much damage (this time) If you want to talk about what happened in theatre I'm sure no one would mind if you put it on here. Sounds like your work colleagues are fab, unlike DP who doesn't seem to be empathetic or caring.

That's a useful link AnotherEmma posted about the Women's Self Injury Helpline. I didn't know there was such an organisation. Will you give them a ring - you could do it upstairs once the children have gone down. Yes? Take good care - you really must phone crisis if you are thinking of SH again.

I don't know what to do tomorrow.

Usually both DCs got to MILs on a Friday whilst I'm at work. MIL wants to get some DIY stuff done on the house. DP is going riding. I do t want to spent the day on my own with the DCs, I'm scared they will rip my stitches accidentally (has happened before through clothing). MIL says I can stay at theirs, but I'm not sure I fancy being around people for that long. It's always awkward when you are somewhere and there's nothing to do.

Maybe I should take some work bits with me and my laptop? I need to get them done. That might be good. Actually I've got lots of online bits and phone calls that need doing. Would be good to get them over and done with.

I feel low tonight. I want to harm again. I wish I could feel happy for longer. I hate feeling like this. It's the school holidays now. No structure and it's not even friday

Please call the helpline or the crisis team.
And keep posting here if it helps.

You are not alone, sparkle. Hugs (if they help). Crochet, if it helps.

If you start to feel overwhelmed please call the crisis team, or maybe the Samaritans on 116123 (they do not only help people who are feeling suicidal)

I went to bed in the end. I had a drink last night which was a bad idea. The DCs woke up at 5am again. I just need fucking sleep. Sleep.lack of sleep is a major trigger to me. I know I went to bed early, but I just want to not be woken up and to wake up of my own accord.

I am going to take my laptop to MILs later and get some work bits done, stay for lunch and then come home. God knows what time DP will be home from riding. And no doubt he will be too tired / sore / broken to get up early tomorrow as well.

DS just knocked DPs bike over whilst I was having a cigarette and typing this. Obviously that's my fault and I have to pay for the damage (it looks fine to me? And I am 'fucking useless' I can't take this

Garn my post has just disappeared too
What I said was that your h sounds like a selfish oaf - no way he should be going out at all when you are sore and a bit 'wobbly' let alone all day and coming back tired and grumpy
It is not your fault ds knocoed over the bike - h should have been watching it or ds if not both
I think going to your mil for the morning and taking work is a good idea.
As for the hols can you put in place a mini structure? Like meal plans which the dc can help shop for and do specific tasks - homemade pizza (buy the bases etc ) were always fun when mine were younger. And them trips built into the plan so walk to the park, go to grannies etc not forgetting to build in time for your h to have sole care of the kids for bonding and so you get some much needed 'me' time

Have you the black out curtains on the windows? At this time of year kids wake earlier because the sun is up earlier, so I put black out curtains on the windows (or hang something else up over) to keep the rooms dark in the mornings.
A great idea for an hours peace is get a big sheet or two, and throw them over the kitchen table, move the chairs out, to make a 'tent' for the kids.
Why would you have to pay for the damage. He really takes it out on the first thing that moves when he gets upset doesn't he. Does your DP drink in the evenings?Just wondering is that why he is a particularly crappy mood first thing in the morning?

sadie The reason why is that he is an abusive arsehole. Alcohol might make him worse but it's not the reason.

I know it's a silly question to ask why DP can't get up early with the kids sometimes. And of course he shouldn't be off cycling when you need someone to care for the kids, let alone talk about you paying for the damage on his bike AFTER he had deliberately broken your sewing machine as a punishment. Sorry I know it's all been said before but I really do wonder what you get from this relationship. Do you know?

Hope you get on ok this afternoon - will MIL have the kids tomorrow.

Will you phone that help line "Women's Self Injury" - the number is up above - I really think this is your best bet.

They're probably not going to be open on a bank holiday are they? I will try to call. Finding a time when DP is out, or I'm not at home is hard though.

We don't have blackout curtains, however I think I will pick up some blackout blinds on the way home - I can't take it any more!

DP did have a drink last night, although I think the grumpiness was related to it being pre-6am.

Am at MILs at the moment. Have got my work stuff done so that's all good. I might pop in to work one day of the holidays with the DCs. Tomorrow will be me, DP and the DCs.

Time for me to leave MILs now. Going to get blackout blinds and hopefully get DS's up tonight

All good stuff today, well done. Deffo go for the blackout blinds and linings too if you can. We used them through the kids childhood. In fact they have the same curtains now they are teenagers but no longer need blackout!

sparkle the helpline is open Mon - Fri 7pm - 10pm No 0808 800 8088 - you could try tonight. What does it matter if DP is at home. Surely you are "allowed" to make phone calls! Wait till the kids are down and then give them a ring. It might be one of the most useful/helpful things you can do. Your MIL sounds really nice - how did she come to have a son like him!

He is really nice too. He's struggling a lot at the moment. I miss the days when we were both well. His medication turns him into a monster during the night / first thing. I noticed that from the day he started taking it. I'm looking forward to the day when he's ready to reduce / come off it. I know he wants to, and wants to get himself back to normal as its made him out in a lot of weight too. However I need to be in a stable position before he can change his does as we can't have both of us struggling at the same time. Mental health has really affected both of us. He used to be so easy-going and we'd have loads of fun. We shared the chores and we both had motivation. Since having the DCs there hasn't ever been a period of time when we have both been well, and that has been really really hard on us / our relationship.

I put a blackout blind up in DSs room this evening. It meant they went to bed late, but hopefully he will sleep until 7 tomorrow. DS is really impressed with his blind, he chose the colour and clung onto it in the trolley. Wouldn't let go of his end whilst the cashier scanned it. Then he wanted to watch me put it up and he was so excited when it was done

I feel flat tonight. Not low, I guess more empty than nuh else again. I can make phone calls, but there isn't really anywhere in the house I can make one without being heard. I might go out for a smoke and give them a call.

I might go to bed soon. I feel really boring going to be so early, but my body is crying out for sleep. I feel bad though because it means I'm never spending any quality time with DP. If live to sit and have an evening of board games, but I don't have the concentration for it tonight. And I feel too low, I don't want to talk to anybody, not even DP. Making positive conversation feels like too much hard work.

It's ok to get an early night - in fact it's a good idea as it sounds like you need one. You will be more able to enjoy their company tomorrow if you get one x

I would have loved an early night, but DS wouldn't sleep. He eventually gave in at 10pm. And he still woke up at fucking 5am. He did go back to sleep in our bed (eventually) until after 7 though. Meant I didn't get a chance to call the helpline though.
Today's plan is to make sheep with the DCs. Cotton balls stuck on to cardboard cut outs. Going to give them as Easter cards. We will probably all take the dog for a walk. I'd like to run, but I can't until I've healed a bit more. It's not as painful anymore, just very bruised.

I feel exhausted today. I don't remember any dreams I had, but I had terrible night sweats again.