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Original poster

I've fucked up big time

74 replies

MummySparkle · 20/03/2016 23:15

I've really fucked up today.

I've not been feeling well for a while, with thoughts of harming getting stronger. I harmed this evening. Stupid thing was we had a lovely day with the DCs. Went to the zoo and generally had a wonderful time.

I've managed to land myself a referral to the specialist plastic surgery hospital in the area because minor injuries were unable to sort it and the big hospital would do the same anyway. But I need an assessment from the crisis team first. The MIU didn't have a crisis team and they were already closed by the time they had finished having a look at me and sorting the referral. They told me to drive over to the big hospital to be seen by the crisis team so that the specialist place can make an appointment.

I've really fucked up, I thought I would be in and out in half an hour. I wasn't. DP is really angry with me and made me come home. I'm going to see the crisis team in the morning. Waiting in a&e all night to be seen would be hellish.

I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. It's an important day, but obviously I can't go. DP is so a ft with me. I'll have to get up in the morning with the DCs. I might just goingoing work anyway. The MIU did a good job at patching t up for the meanwhile, which is fine so long as I don't move too much.

Fuck Fuchs fuck fuck fuckety fuck. I feel so ashamed, I didn't mean for it to be that bad and now I've got myself into a ridiculous mess

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 22/03/2016 18:06

mummysparkle I hope that your arm is patched up soon…they might use thigh as a donor site (SHing friend had to have that done).

I feel so sad for you that your partner feels the need to hurt you through destroying the objects that are dear to you, when you were already feeling so bad that you had to hurt yourself. His anxiety is no excuse…I used to break things years ago when I had PND (breaking things rather than harming myself) but I never, ever, ever, broke my husband's things and only ever things like plates/glasses/telephones. Deliberate targeting of your belongings is abusive and although you have to deal with your arm and your immediate MH situation, it is worth considering how you are meant to get better in the long run if you have to put up with that sort of behaviour Flowers

NameChange30 · 22/03/2016 18:34

Yy dangermouse

Original poster
MummySparkle · 22/03/2016 20:00

I will consider it dangermouse, but yes, not this week - too much else going on.

I found an NHS page that says they often use the inside of the upper arm as a donor site, that area should ev fine to use. I'm really hoping that they will be able to do it under local anaesthetic. If I've had to have an operation under general anaesthetic because of my SH then I will feel even worse.

I had to tell my mum what's been going on as she is going to have to come over and look after the DCs tomorrow. I'm getting the train over there (2hrs) as DP has to work. If he doesn't do the dogs then we will lose out of a lot of money that we can't afford right now. DP is going to come and pick me up once I'm done. The DCs are going to nursery in the afternoon and chances are my mum will have to pick them up. Thy means she will likely spend 4hrs sitting around at our house, which I'm not that happy about. She has form for snooping. Means I'll have to tidy everything tonight. She will probably load the dishwasher for us. I might sort out a few loads of washing into bags and pop them in the kitchen. If it's not raining then she'll probably put them in the washing line.

I don't know what to take with me tomorrow. Chances are I will have a long wait, but will I be in a waiting room / side room or in a bed straight away? I don't know whether to take a colouring book or my knitting or both. Will pack headphones and a phone charger. They say I need to take an overnight bag too just in case. Might have to pack one of the DCs toothbrushes as Dap and I have an electric one between us. If it's general I'll have to take all of my jewellery off won't I? I thought about leaving it at home to keep it safe, but fiddling with it really helps to calm me when I'm stressed. So many unknowns Sad

OP posts:
Mummylin · 22/03/2016 21:25

Take your crochet Sparkle, you have to finish that blanket ! Flowers

NanaNina · 22/03/2016 21:39

I hope tomorrow goes well for you Sparkle - trying to work out why you have to go on a train to your mom when she is coming to you.......must be a reason. Have not heard you mention your mom before - do you have a good r/ship with her.
Anyway you'll feel relieved when this is all over.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 22/03/2016 21:52

Sorry I didn't make that clear. I am getting the train to the hospital. DP is going to work. My mum is coming to our house to look after the DCs.

My relationship with my mum is patchy. She is basically the sort of person that the stately homes threads are about. But the DCs love her. But as a Doppler for my mental healthy? Definitely not. She burned that bridge when I was about 5.

I will pack my crochet, it takes up rather a lot of space though! It's a colour changing rainbow of stripes so I will need to take at least 4 balls of yarn with me to ensure I don't need a different colour during the day. I guess they don't actually need to know that my overnight bag is just pants, a tshirt and a whole load of wool... I think I might take one of my colouring books too, in case j get bored of crochet or can only use one hand for a bit. I might pick up a puzzle book on my way up on the train. Be sad not to have a coffee on the way there, I have to be nil by mouth from midnight, can have water up til 8am. I know I should eat more now to keep my strength up as I haven't eaten much today, but I could barely finish my dinner. Will drink lots tonight.

How will I be able to deal with the fact that I have caused myself to need an operation? Especially if it ends up being under a GA? How the hell do I move on from there? And if I harm again does that mean it has to be that bad every time now? Once I had stitches for the first time they were all that the fucked up negative part of my brain craved.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 22/03/2016 21:53

Doppler = support

Wtf phone Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 06:25

It's today. I'm feeling anxious already. The procedure doesn't worry me that much, its all of the unknowns. I feel so stupid that I've caused all of this. I am nil by mouth now, allowed water for another hour and a half. I feel shakey already, not sure if that anxiety of because my blood sugar is low.

Going to get in the shower now and try and prepare myself. Need to leave here in an hour to get the train. I have to change trains in the big city. Part of me wants to get off there and run.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 23/03/2016 06:31

Good luck

MissBeaHaving · 23/03/2016 06:36

Good luck sparkle,I hope today goes well.Thanks

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 07:52

Thank you both. I'm feeling quite sick now, think it's just nerves. Just woken DP up so that he has time to get ready. Need to change the DCs nappies and get them dressed as we've all got to go in the car to the train station.

I won't run. But it is tempting.

OP posts:
willowcatkin111 · 23/03/2016 08:01

Best of luck for today Flowers
Try not to blame yourself, it is the illness not you.
Tell them how you feel about the unknowns as soon as you get in and I am sure they will do all they can to reassure you and let you know what is going on as much as possible

Chocolatteaddict1 · 23/03/2016 08:31

Please don't run. And please do everything in your power to fix yourself. My mother had severe MH and tried to hang herself several times. She was commited more than I can remember and these bad spells were always around Important dates like mine and my db significant birthdays. Our whole childhood was centred around mum being ill. We're both NC with her now as she was making us ill.

Please do your best to fight this Flowers

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 09:47

Oh chocolate addict I hope so so much not to affect my DCs. I had a strained relationship with my mum growing up, and still do now. She didn't suffer from MH problems, but she is the root cause of my problems. I am well aware that how I am feeling / coping / managing my MH affects those around me, but I do my best to minimise the impact it has on the DCs. DP will usually try to spend a bit more time at home when I'm not well, and MIL and DM will have the DCs for a bit longer / I will do things with them and the DCs at the weekends.

I'm on the 2nd train that takes me to where the hospital is. I've realised that I typed the postcode into google maps wrong. It's not a 10min walk but a 30min walk away from the train station. I only have 12mins to get there, so I think I am going to have to get a taxi. Goodness knows how much that will cost. I really need a wee, but I don't want to use the train loos (had a bad experience with the electronic door opening itself whilst I was mid-flow once - never again!) and I really need a smoke too. I didn't have time for either during the connection between the two trains.

Lin you'll be pleased to know I've got my crochet to do. Thinkbivebobly got about 9 rows left... Nearly there!

OP posts:
Mummylin · 23/03/2016 09:56

Thinking of you Sparkle. Maybe you will have time to do those 9 rows. Good luck.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 10:26

I've been on this train for about 45min and did a row and a half... And Its a circle so they are only getting bigger!

Train is late, I should be there by now. Just going to have to be a bit late myself. Can't remember the name of the ward I'm supposed to go to. I'd know it when I see it but I don't know which wing of the hospital it's in. I didn't write it down at the time.

I'm hungry and I already feel really thirsty despite drinking 1L of water this morning.

This is a really big deal. How the hell did I get from tiny scratches to here?

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 11:49

I'm here, in the day room. Been waiting here for an hour so far, I still have no idea what's going on. They don't have a bed ready for me yet. I hope they do soon, I need more sleep. Sleep will make the time go quicker

OP posts:
NanaNina · 23/03/2016 14:49

Thinking of you Sparkle hope all goes well. chocolateaddict I'm sure you didn't intend it but I think it was a bit insensitive to say you were no longer in contact with your mother because of her MH on this particular thread. As soon as I read that I thought it would worry Sparkle because of her own children. You always sound like you're a lovely mummy even though you have MH issues.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 15:55

Thanks Nina.

Finally got admitted and to a room about 3. I'm in my sexy gown and stockings. Thankfully they gave me a dressing gown. Walked all of the way to theatre to find the surgeon on the phone and there's an urgent case going in. No idea what happens now. Back to waiting

OP posts:
willowcatkin111 · 23/03/2016 15:58

Glad you at last have a room Sparkle. Hope they get you sorted soon. In the meantime how is the crochet going?

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 16:07

I haven't managed any crochet whilst I've been here. I didn't want to get it out in the day room because I thought I'd be moved to a room...

Doctor has just come in and said they might be able took it under local anaesthetic on the ward. Apparently they are just going to suture it. Very frustrating if they can as surely it could have been sorted out before now.

I'm on 1:1 whilst I'm here as well which really sucks. DP is here now so they have let the nurse who was with me go for a bit. I'm so thirsty!

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 16:22

Just spoken to another doctor. He's done a load of checks and realised there's a patch on the back of my hand that's numb. Fuck duck fuck fuck fuck. I'm scared and anxious now

OP posts:
Chocolatteaddict1 · 23/03/2016 16:24

I've just read my post back and yes it does sound like I was linking the two together. I'm sorry if I worried or upset you sparkle that honestly wasn't my intention. Flowers

I just know what it's like in the other side of a parent with severe MH. That's how I know it's so so important to drag up every spare ounce of strength to try and fix yourself and to keep on top of it.

We went NC because although my mother could be lovely she could be very cruel to the point she must have a personality disorder. Coupled with the depression and we had to walk away from her. I'm in no way saying you are like her.

A poster said up thread - 'it's not your fault it's the illness" but that's basically all I heard when I was growing up. I think sometimes you do have to take responsibility a bit other wise it gives the MH issue carte blanch to do as it chooses. It can become all consuming as though it's a stronger entity than the person it's effecting. And that's really hard for the rest of the family to understand.

sparkles ^^^ that last bit was not aimed at you but another poster.

Good look ok Flowers

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/03/2016 18:21

I have a personality disorder... But it's okay, I haven't taken offence. I know that having BPD is very different to, say, narcissistic PD.

I'm all sorted. The surgeon did it under local anaesthetic in the end. It hurt, lots. The anaesthetic injections were bearable, but the tourniquet was hideous. There is no lasting damage. Had there been damage then they would have had to put me under. Thankfully it didn't come to that as the anaesthetist had finished so I would have had to come back again.

I'm tired now. Waiting for paperwork to be sorted then I can go home.

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NameChange30 · 23/03/2016 18:27

So glad you've been patched up! Well done for today. Hope you don't have to wait too long before you can go home, and can have a relaxing evening when you get there.

Will there be any follow up with the mental health team?