I saw a psychiatrist for an hour yesterday. Only ever seen one for 10 mins through the Crisis team before.
He was bloody fantastic. Told me that I will get better and that he can do lots to help me. Called my employer there and then and suggested some ways they can support me. Got me a CPN I'm going to see every two weeks. Couldn't believe that my GPs have been tinkering with meds and just referring to crisis for seven years, without getting me into the system properly. Told me that with the family history of MH issues I was always going to be high risk. That I'm suffering with a really severe and ongoing episode of depression and anxiety.
I left the appointment feeling relived that someone has finally realised that just because I can get up and go to work doesn't mean that I'm not really depressed. But now I feel totally flat and a bit scared. I met the CPN afterwards and she did another assessment and said that I was the patient who had most worried her recently. That I seem to almost have too much insight to myself, like I've detached from myself. She thinks I'm really quite ill. I thought I was presenting quite well, I was trying so hard to appear 'normal'.
I don't really know why I've posted. I should be happy to be moving forward, to have some treatment options, to feel like someone understood. Actually I just feel terrified and so down today.