I can't fucking take it

[nosupport]

I can't take bipolar DH and all his games. I know the bipolar is not his fault.

But I am severely depressed. With no support. And he swans off because it's too "stressful" every so often then somehow worms his way back in promising we can be a happy family

Currently he is threatening me with a restraining order, emailing all our communication to my family members, blocked me on social media, phone, email - every possible way to communicate, threatening to call social services and say he's concerned about my sons welfare and my mental state

I am bloody concerned about my mental state. I have fucking gone to the doctors, called SANEline, called my local mental health team, done every fucking thing because I'm so low and trying to keep it together

But he is not offering support. Oh no. It's too stressful. Telling him an ambulance was called for my son some weeks back - I got told off for putting him through the stress.

Telling him there was a parents evening - told off for putting him through the stress

Telling him I have can't get out of bed flu and need him to look after his child for a few hours - yeah well that's what warrants divorce because it's "treating him like a childminder"

Yet this "father" still goes to work everyday and is able to socialise with his friends - so yeah, the only area his "bipolar" is affecting is that he can't understand I'm not superwoman, I'm dangerously close to the edge with no support and being treated like a psycho bitch for asking him to back off with his unkind texts/emails every time he thinks I make a wrong move - like inform him I'm closing to needing to go into hospital - physically my throat is so swollen I can barely breathe and I probably do need antibiotics but can't actually see any pus the glands are just huge (tonsils removed) and mentally I want to just quit thinking/feeling.

Hi pet.

I'm here. I'm probably not much help to you, but I'm here.

Just thought I'd check in until more experienced posters show up.

For what it's worth, he sounds like a prick. Lol. Most helpful comment you've ever heard I'm guessing?

What does strike me though is that he appears to be playing a game a bit here - i.e. painting you as the bad guy, provoking you to snap.

Have you a solicitor? Could you afford one?

Anyway - no sign of me to sleep tonight, so I'll be here if you don't nod off yourself.
x

I can't afford one. He's lording it over me.

I had fertility problems, we got married and I eventually got diagnosed after years of trying along comes DS. I always wanted kids. Huge backstory about having no supportive "family" and it being hugely important to me and I suffered severe depression in pregnancy similar to postpartum psychosis except it was during pregnancy and ended when DS was born. For years he was the best husband I could have asked for.

Till he walked out when DS was 7 months old. I think he just couldn't handle fatherhood along with that I was still recovering from traumatic mental illness myself

I haven't come to terms with having been so unwell in pregnancy, I desperately wanted another baby. I'm depressed about being too old/unwell that it's never going to happen now before I even begin with how low I feel over how he treats us

I can't cope with him taking it all away plus pretty much abandoning his son who was conceived after years of trying, he was a miracle but certainly not an accidental conception considering how long we spent trying

I can't mentally get my head around this jerk who has taken over who was for years and years my best friend and a brilliant husband

I personally believe that betrayal is worse than loss.

You feel that he has betrayed you and your family. He has.

I'm not going to be able to help you tonight pet. I'm really not. I'm possibly the worst person to ever be speaking to anyone in need of support tonight.

But - since I'm here - I'll tell you what I'm doing to cheer myself up. I'm listening to the chicken dance song! I'm not joking!

Have a few minutes respite from the madness and just do the dance....

I wasn't expecting that. Even if just at the shock factor - I did smile

Thank you x

I'm sitting here trying to badly coordinate my hands and arms.

I've also done the macarena tonight.

And the hokey pokey.

When I'm very upset, it is never the time for me to dwell. A good night's sleep and I'm better able to face problems, but late at night, I need a bit of nonsense I think lol.

I'm feeling too physically unwell to manage to do the dance

Not managing to sleep because I keep retching

It's a good idea though

OP - just to get this back on kilter for you here - I'm sure someone is around tonight or will be in the morning. In the meantime, try to sleep. The world will be here again in the morning. But, as I've learned myself, wise words alert you won't fall asleep with a bright screen in front of you.

In the morning, hopefully, there will be posters with a wealth of advice with regards to how to deal with the shite you're facing. For now, sleep well and, when the anxiety kicks in, go to a bathroom and do the chicken dance

Ok - we've crossed posts.

Retching I'm familiar with. It's stress.

Do you want to listen to music with me until someone more sensible comes along?

Love this wee lad. A Scottish son of an Italian Mum.

Also OP - you could post about the divorce issues on the 'Relationships' forum. The posters there will offer you support in that respect - serious advice as to your rights too.
For all your mental health issues - you have me and the chicken dance (and every other sane poster in Britain who will come along any minute now haha).

:)

Thanks. I did get some sleep but iv woken up far worse physically. I can't even get my DS off to playgroup. I can't walk that far. The toilet is an accomplishment

Hello. I'm going to post a link for you to read...

Give me 5 minutes

You can read all the profiles when you have time, but first scroll down the page to The Mentally Ill Or Addicted Abuser

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

His illness is no excuse for his behaviour. Once you have read the profile you can tell us if you recognise him

Not all of it. But some of it

The your responsible for my actions bit and the you should treat me carefully because bit

As a person with bipolar, I can assure you he is not just bipolar - he is in fact a bit of an arse. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low and ill, I sincerely hope you will find a solution soon. It sounds awfully hard to be you right now, and I'm afraid I don't have any further advice as it seems you are taking all the right steps to help yourself.

Thanks. I'm calling the HV today. I have to give in at some point. I can't cope

Hi OP. Just wanted you to know that there is another person out here thinking of you & praying for you as you go through this tough patch in your life. Have faith in yourself & your support team & take it step by step, one dance at a time

I'm happy to hear that nosupport.
I hope you have a nice HV.
She will be someone to talk to if nothing else. If she knows her stuff, she may be able to link you in with support services. There has to be something available (one hopes!).

Now that bitch downstairs has made yet another noise complaint about me.

I fucking wear slippers so does my DS, guests remove shoes. My DS and I are on edge. He's had 2 play dates in all the time we've lived here, because I know that she'll complain and I will have the stress of confrontation.

It's not my bloody fault she works nights so sleeps in the day and has the ears of a bat.

Don't let that send you over the edge. Normal noise disturbance is to be expected and will not be dealt with as anything but normal by whoever she complains to. That is, unless you've been blaring out the chicken dance on full volume?

Have you managed to make contact with the Health Visitor?

Yes. She's making a referral to social services.

Iv let DS down

Iv ruined any hope of my family being reconciled

Iv failed

Thank you for caring. I can't express how much it means to know virtual strangers do care x

You haven't let anyone down by the way.

How are you feeling mentally? Are you under the care of a team? I ask because you're obviously struggling with extra pressure at the moment.

It might be worth making a list of the supports you require/questions to have to hand when social services visit.

E.g.
What health support can you provide me?

What legal advice supports can you link me in to?
Can you provide me with talk therapies?
Can you allocate a Family support worker to me?
What practical support services can you link me in with?
What community services are available in the area that you feel I might benefit from?

That sort of thing. They should be there to help you. It might ease the burden on you somewhat to hand over a little bit of control to someone else. I know the pressure of trying to hold it all together.

By the way, please don't feel that you have to take on the burden all on your own. Your son has two parents. The father should be taking on his fair share. Some families have the privilege of having 2 parents working together in rearing their children. A lot do not. Being a single parent is TOUGH. One of the toughest things on the planet. You're also coping with heartache and the repercussions of recovering from what sounds like a pretty harrowing illness. Be kind to yourself. I know that sounds like such a cliché, but I mean, be kind in terms of your self-talk. Don't beat yourself up in your head. On the other hand, find a mantra. Something like 'I am doing very well!' 'I should be proud of myself'. You will with time be able to progress to 'I'm doing fucking fantastic!!!!' and 'I AM proud of myself'.
x