I can't fucking take it

[nosupport]

I can't take bipolar DH and all his games. I know the bipolar is not his fault.

But I am severely depressed. With no support. And he swans off because it's too "stressful" every so often then somehow worms his way back in promising we can be a happy family

Currently he is threatening me with a restraining order, emailing all our communication to my family members, blocked me on social media, phone, email - every possible way to communicate, threatening to call social services and say he's concerned about my sons welfare and my mental state

I am bloody concerned about my mental state. I have fucking gone to the doctors, called SANEline, called my local mental health team, done every fucking thing because I'm so low and trying to keep it together

But he is not offering support. Oh no. It's too stressful. Telling him an ambulance was called for my son some weeks back - I got told off for putting him through the stress.

Telling him there was a parents evening - told off for putting him through the stress

Telling him I have can't get out of bed flu and need him to look after his child for a few hours - yeah well that's what warrants divorce because it's "treating him like a childminder"

Yet this "father" still goes to work everyday and is able to socialise with his friends - so yeah, the only area his "bipolar" is affecting is that he can't understand I'm not superwoman, I'm dangerously close to the edge with no support and being treated like a psycho bitch for asking him to back off with his unkind texts/emails every time he thinks I make a wrong move - like inform him I'm closing to needing to go into hospital - physically my throat is so swollen I can barely breathe and I probably do need antibiotics but can't actually see any pus the glands are just huge (tonsils removed) and mentally I want to just quit thinking/feeling.

I have a FSW - because I asked for one a while back when DS behaviour got really rigid and challenging. He's very good now.

I expect I will get referred to HomeStart again. They were lovely but not particularly useful to me previously.

Now I will just have someone else's expectations and boxes to tick. Iv probably just made it ten times worse.

What is HomeStart?

Set your own expectations with them by the way. You are the master of your destiny. If they set unrealistic expectations for you, say 'Well that's a nice aim, but a more realistic achievable goal for me would be xyz' Or do a Mrs. Brown on them and say 'that's naice.....'.

It must be particularly hard for you because you're probably trying to balance needing help, with trying to appear as though you don't?

Hows the little fella today?

You have NOT ruined all that, OP!!
It might seem this way at the moment, but it's NOT TRUE!!
You're improving the situation already: you're on here, your HV & SS are there for you too.
Your son needs you - not a supermum but a real Mum, warts & all. He's lucky to have you, there are many in worse situations.
Now sit quietly, gather your thoughts & get on with your day.

HomeStart is volunteers who come to your home several hours a week. I suppose like a support worker for mums of under 5s who have various needs.

The GP should be calling me today now too.

I don't know to expect a knock at the door and a SW or what.

Having a hot bath as shivering so much trying not to drop phone in

DS is eating baked beans and watching tv

You've had too much going on, you can't think clearly. You have absolutely not failed or ruined anything. It's hard to see that when you are in the middle of things though

Baked beans are a good source of protein, fibre & other important nutrients - another good decision you've made today!
Oh and TV is a good source of peace for Mums, so there's another good decision.
(Too much TV & beans isn't a good thing for anyone, unless you want DS parping like Daddy Pig.... )
to help with the beans

It's ok, you are on your way to getting help. You are under a considerable amount of strain with your ex.

I wouldn't say he was just unsupportive, he sounds like he is deliberately berating you. Just think about this: if he really thought you couldn't manage, he would not be leaving the child care up to you. He wants you to feel shit so he can treat you badly. I would stop communicating with him. Let him call you. You cannot count on him for any support.

Now, once you have got some help regarding your current circumstances, do you think it is time to look at your mental health in general? If you have had childhood and ongoing problems with your 'family' then that could well be the root of some considerable anxiety, which causes mental illness. I know this because I have been there. For most of my life I was considered 'fucked up' by myself and others, until I finally had enough and sought out a private counsellor. It has changed my life. They have shown me my brain behaves the way it does as a direct result of how I have been treated all my life, which was compounded by the fact I then put up with abusive partners who took advantage of my lack of understanding of what a good relationship was and the fact I always blamed myself (as I was conditioned to do) for my mental health issues.

I would say also that anyone living with that sort of strain is strong, not weak or failing. You have sought out the help you need, you are going to do well if you concentrate on yourself and your son. Put his father and his strange idea of 'support' to one side.

I remember my ex telling me it was unreasonable to ask him to 'babysit' when I was throwing up from a stomach bug because I should have given him notice. If he gave two shits about your ds he'd be round like a shot looking after him and making sure you're getting the antibiotics you need.

His actions speak louder than his words. Others might believe the I'm a good dad, she's a psycho liar. But not for long. He'll go on and do it again whilst you will go from strength to strength. You can do it.

Hope you get your antibiotics and some respite care.

My FSW is coming round for a chat. GP not rung yet.

I can't believe his dad pushes me to this point. Every other time I have coped. This time I am broken

Lovely FSW

Helped chatting

Still no call from GP

Still no call from the GP

DS seems much worse now, he won't eat or drink, or let me check for rash - only sleeping or sobbing since 5ish.

He had tons of energy earlier

Can anyone advise the OP on what to do with DS?
I hope you are both asleep xx

Maybe the baby has the same virus as the OP? I would focus on getting drinks into him and give him calpol maybe?

How are you all today?

Shit really.

So now a referral has been made to social services but I haven't heard anything so constantly on edge thinking they could turn up any moment - so anxiety even higher. Also starting to fret they may make decisions for me such as saying no contact with DH, something about some outside agency having that level of control over our lives is really jarring me. All it would really take is someone kicking him up the backside about being consistent with parenting and being a little compassionate about the amount of stress he expects me to cope with so suddenly. There's nobody going to do this though.

Also no call from the GP so still nowhere nearer any help for myself mentally

We are physically doing better today though, looks like on the mend there, might get out the house tomorrow

What helped most was the chat with the FSW. Now I think iv just invited more stress into my life by saying I was overwhelmed and v low.

You're engaging with every service available to you, so social services should not be remotely concerned. Try not to panic. When is the FSW coming back again?

I am engaging. I'm also falling more apart every day.

Sent DH an email telling him, got one back copied into my dad(!!!) about how he's in crisis and won't be taking on my problems and he wants my dad to see the kind of stuff I say. I said I didn't think it was fair and that I have broken. I didn't say this: today I went to the dr, said I felt suicidal and the only thing preventing me is I can't hurt my son like that.

Stupidly sent one back saying how much fucking crisis do you think I'm in considering all this "intervention" and copied my dad in too. Very dumb. Just too exhausted to be mature anymore

FSW will be over this afternoon

That's really positive about the FSW. Could you ask her to liaise with SS on your behalf and maybe then she could arrange to be there with you when they call as a friend/advocate?

Your husband is being an ass, involving others in your direct dialogue. But, I suspect he just is not able or not willing to support you now. Might be best to stop trying to change him and make him help.

I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time.