Back at work tomorrow - not sure I can do this

[Ikeatears]

I've been off since early September- the last 4 months have been a blur of tears, medication, home treatment team, hospital and many,many sleepless nights. I felt on the better side of things (with the odd setback) and I've finally got to the point where I have agreed to a 4 week phased return, starting tomorrow.
Even before I agreed to go back, I've had a tough couple of weeks sleep-wise and mood-wise but I just assumed it was another case of three steps forward, two steps back. I can't shake it off. I slept all day today. I want to cry. I don't think I can do it. I don't feel like the same person I was 4 months ago and I don't think I'm capable anymore of doing my job. I don't feel capable of a lot of things anymore. I feel like I've ruined my life. I can't bear the thought of going in to work tomorrow but I know I have to.

I was like this last Monday.
Phased return, first day back.
My thoughts were that if I couldn't cope, I could always go back to the doctor and get signed off until I could cope again.
Hang in there

Really hope it goes well today. I've been there and know how hard it is, take care

Good luck, the first day back is the hardest, after today, you might feel a little better about facing it tomorrow

Good luck, the first day back is the hardest, after today, you might feel a little better about facing it tomorrow

Thanks all, I'm here and I've survived so far. Can only get better I hope from here!

Fantastic! You're over the worst part, be proud!

Thanks everyone. Nice to have my own personal cheerleaders
The good news is I did it, I didn't cry or have a panic attack.
It wasn't nice, I didn't feel quite in control and I felt like a fish out of water. I felt very self-conscious but everyone we fine and it's over until tomorrow. Thanks again, this thread has really helped today.

Well done, OP!

I got through my second day too. I got a bit flustered when my manager tried to confirm if I'd be in for the rest of the week. I started panicking and thinking I didn't want to say I would go and let them down. But in the end, I just agreed tomorrow and to see from there.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow too!

Awwww well done!

Well done!

Just had a huge row with dh cos I told him how I feel, how I've been trying to 'fake it til I make it" in all areas of my life, how I just want to stay at home and go nowhere but I know I can't. I told him it's exhausting pretending I'm fine when I'm really not. I'm just a huge disappointment and a total failure. I give up. I'll just go through the motions. There isn't any other way. I always knew that my life these last 14 years was too good to be true. I always knew the bubble would burst and it did and now everyone knows I'm weak and pathetic and they probably all think I'm crazy. I probably am. I give up.

You are not weak or pathetic. You've been incredibly brave today. You're not well but you're working hard at recovering. You can and will get better but it will take time. You took a huge step today and it's bound to make you feel drained. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
Try speaking to your DH again tomorrow, is he usually supportive? It can be difficult to see someone you love suffering and he might be wanting to convince himself you're completely better. You shouldn't have to pretend with him though.

Magpie, you hit the nail on the head. He is normally very supportive but he's frightened I think. He just left work and said, "I do
Love you and I am here for you, I'm sorry I got frustrated, I know it's harder for you."
Can't really ask for more than that can I?
Anyway, got to get dressed and go to work. So tired.

*left for work

Good luck today, how long are you in for?

Just 3 hours again. I'm on reduced duties this week so it's not so bad.

Good luck today!

I'm nearly ready to go in too. I'm ready half an hour early after waking up too soon. Feeling a bit anxious/nervous/excited.

You are doing really well. Don't get disheartened by set backs. They're going to happen, but it doesn't put you all the way back to square one.

Thanks owl. Good luck to you too

Day 2 done. Not back in til Thursday now as I've dropped to a permanent 4 day week. Can I fake it til I make it? I hope so

You're doing great! I hope you have a nice, relaxing day off. You've earned it!

Thanks magpie just keep swimming eh

Well done ikeatears. I don't think you need to fake it til you make it. As an employer, if I had an employee returning from any kind of long term sick leave (be it physical or mental health reasons) I would fully expect them to feel 'all at sea' at first. I wouldn't expect them to be 100% efficient immediately, and I would expect they would need to ask questions, in case things have changed. What I'm trying to say is, don't put added pressure on yourself to wear the 'fake it' mask. It's ok to be you - someone incredibly strong who has been through a lot and is giving it their best shot.

Thanks jonty that made cry (not in an awful way) I think what I mean is, I'm faking the confidence- I work in a school so in the classroom I have to put on an 'act'. I'm trying to be honest with people when they ask but I feel so incredibly exposed and vulnerable - I feel the very opposite of strong

Thanks!

I did ok again. Felt good for the morning, but drained and a little overwhelmed by the end of the day.

I have a busy job where I have to put on a front. I'm on autopilot, but gradually feeling more confident. I think.

Well done owls I'm glad it seems to be going well for you. I know what you mean about having to put on a front. I'm not likely to be in sole charge of a classroom until at least next week but I'm dreading it. At the moment, they're easing me just doing learning support so I'm only following the class teacher which I'm still finding draining but I dread when I actually have to take a class.