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Original poster

I am so fucking done.

26 replies

VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 16:37

NC for this post. I am done. This Christmas day is the last I'm going to spend with Her screaming at me. Telling me that everything I eat and keep down will have to be sorted in January. Telling me to throw up the tiny bit i have eaten. My dd told my DB today that "mommy only eats a tiny bit, and no ice cream". And my pockets are full of the food I've been able to get away with hiding. I'm done. This is the last year She will dictate to me that being I control is more important than joining my family for Christmas lunch. I have a whole year to make that happen. Forgive me for posting this. I just needed to rant.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 25/12/2015 16:42

Is this your mum screaming and you have an eating disorder?

It's shit, loads of hugs for you ThanksThanks

Freeriver · 25/12/2015 16:46

Are your pockets full of food Vera? Or is dd just saying this?

This Christmas Lunch thing is so strange - others seem to see it as quite special but it is just a meal.

Can you manage a small meal ? What do you eat usually?

Tell me, lots of people here worrying about you.

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 16:48

No. It's the Voice of the eating disorder in my head. That one who dictates everything which passes- or doesn't pass- your lips. I feel really stupid talking about this as I'm not a teenager, I'm a mom of two who has been like this for over 20 years.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 25/12/2015 16:50

You're not at all stupid, you have a really shitty illness and an internal voice that you need to kick the shit out of.

Have you had any help?

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 16:50

Free yes, my pockets are (were) full of food that I "ate" with the kids at lunch. Next year I'll be eating with them. Something has snapped today. I can't explain it.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 16:52

Laurie yes I've had help, but She has always won.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 25/12/2015 16:54

Vera you can win. She's won battles but you can win the war.

Good luck you. You sound strong and in a good place.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/12/2015 16:56

Then you need more help. You don't have to do it alone.

I worked with someone 9 years trying to kick an addiction. Sometimes it really can take a while Smile

It really sounds like you're ready to tackle it again. Best of luck Thanks

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 16:58

I'm ready to kick her ass. I think that's why I posted it on here - concrete iyswim. Hope you don't mind. Flowers

OP posts:
Freeriver · 25/12/2015 16:59

Vera this must be the worst day of the year for you. All anyone can think of is Christmas Lunch, and it's such a meal, so much food with other people around.

Have you any help, someone who understands how difficult it is for you ?

User543212345 · 25/12/2015 17:06

Vera I promised DH that last year was the last Christmas we would have in ED's thrall. I lied. Not intentionally but it wasn't within my capabilities to promise that. This year has been super hard, and today has been hard but you know what? It will get better. By saying what is going on here, publicly, you're taking away ED's power, the bitch. She's a deceitful cow who wants to spoil everything. Let's kick her teeth in xx

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:08

DH sort of gets it. As in, if I was caught hiding food to chuck away he'd probably cover for me. Until the meal, it was such a fantastic day! My dd and ds have got through the day without kicking the shit out of each other (dd 8 ds 4) and the pil have been really pleasant to have around! I just wish that I didn't have this big black blot over the day. I'd love to be able to go and curl up with them all now and eat popcorn in front of a movie. I want to make that one of my "goals".

OP posts:
Changeychanger · 25/12/2015 17:14

I've done it. It starts hard, so unimaginable. Then I let myself be kind to myself, and less rigid in things. Gradual exposure to slight discomfort. Never more than I could manage.
Soon, the things I had to ignore and put off because of it became more important.

You can do it. That voice is not your enemy, it's you, telling yourself something. Feel sorry for her clamour, but draw strong boundaries for her own good. She isn't as strong as she seems.
You are stronger . Xxx

Freeriver · 25/12/2015 17:14

Vera that you can think about goals to reach is brilliant.

You are such a strong person to think like this - take it one day at a time, and you can do this I know you can.

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:15

Sweary I hear you. It's not we who lie though, you know that don't you? It's her? We are stronger than her. Feel free to pm if you ever need to talk.

OP posts:
timelytess · 25/12/2015 17:16

sending you Flowers. if you can, with help, kick the bitch out of your head, do it.

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:19

One day at a time, exactly. I'm so glad I posted this. Tbh I was banking on getting flamed. But I saw it as "at least I have it documented". It's her, or it's life. Life is where my babies are. This is going to be hard...I may screw up...but I'm all set. Bring it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:21

It's bizarre, actually, how many people DON'T find it bizarre that I refer to this thing as "her". But it's sad too, as I wish no one else was going through it enough to understand Sad

OP posts:
Freeriver · 25/12/2015 17:23

Yes of course it will be hard but you can face that though can't you for the
sake of your babies.

Just a step by step. Not too much pressure. Take it slow. You go girl. !!

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:33

Free thank you. But I've tried for the babies before. I have to do it for real this time- which means for me. She was around way before they were, so she is quite ingrained. But she is not etched upon my heart like they are. I said in a pp that I have a choice...well I don't. It's them. They're my choice. Telephone call to gp first thing Monday, to get the ball rolling. I have to ask something, and I hope no one minds. Will it be a flag for ss if I admit this to my GP? My self harming wasn't, but I'm wondering whether this may be? Scary.

OP posts:
Mellifera · 25/12/2015 17:37

Vera, many people know how you feel.
Stop punishing yourself, you are far too nice to treat yourself like this.
Did you have therapy for your eating disorder? Can I recommend Schema Therapy for you? Read about it and especially the punitive/demanding parent mode.
You are on a good path, maybe the lightbulb you need to get to the bottom of it. Be kind to yourself, learn to treat yourself with compassion.

Original poster
VeraBennet · 25/12/2015 17:41

thank you. I think there's only so far one can be pushed. You're then either pushed over the edge or you begin to push back.

OP posts:
User543212345 · 25/12/2015 18:30

Yes it's her. The witch. And she makes us think we're in control.

You know, Vera that by calling her out you've reclaimed a huge amount of power? Every battler - hell, not even a battle, a moment - you win is one where she doesn't. And that means you're better than her.

Are you in treatment?

Tate15 · 25/12/2015 18:56

I weighed six and a half stone for nearly 25 years and I have overcome anorexia and bulimia.

I'm still a fussy eater and sadly have a reaction to some foodstuffs because I never ate them and my body now treats them as an allergen but I do not have the fear, the worry and the stress st every meal time be it on my own or eating with others.

It can be done and you can do it. Xxx

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 25/12/2015 23:28

Vera,
I know nothing of what you have, and I only know a bit about my speciality which is manic deoression...

Can I ask what I hope is not a stupid or insensitive question. Can you enjoy eating very small amounts of very tasty food? I am thinking of very fresh and lightly steamed vegtables. Delicate fish, fully ripe fruit sort of thing..