I've messed up so bad I don't think I can come back from it.

[Scaredofmyownshadow]

I've messed up everything.
I hate Christmas for what it is, hate what it makes me remember.
Everything at home has gone wrong. My daughter has moved in with her friend and won't speak to me. She has been gone 4 weeks and she has made it clear she won't be coming home.
It hurts so much.
My youngest is still here and is trying so hard but he shouldn't be, he should be being a child.
Her behaviour was bad but social work told me it's normal, but my normal is so different to their different. She wasn't going to school, she was drinking and working too many hours.
My normal growing up was being abused by my mum and dad and their friends, checking under cars for bombs, having armed guards on the school bus and at the school gates, that's my normal.

My head is a mess, I can't cope, can't go out, I can't stop crying. Everything is hopeless.
The thought of Christmas fills me with dread. They were always so cruel to me, watching my sisters open their presents and I had nothing, or they would give me some but take them back. I had to earn them and if I got it wrong they would hurt me real bad.
I want out, life's to hard and it hurts to breath.
I'm sorry if I've said the wrong thing but thank you for reading this.

hi Scared - how are you? Well done for reaching out for support.

Have you managed to speak to someone? If things get bad later you can ask for the samaritans to phone you back - you could ask them for a woman adviser

Why did I think I mattered?
I told them how I felt and was told the duty worker would phone me back, no one did so I phoned them back and they said I was on the list.
There's no point in this, I'm tired, feel sick and empty.

My cats lying curled up on me and looks so innocent, like he doesn't have a care in the world. Truth is he doesn't, he gets fed, gets lots of attention, sleeps. I wish I was him, He's so calm, I'm a panicking mess.
What will happen to him if I'm not here?
I'm not even making any sense anymore I don't think.
I can't phone anyone just know until my son goes to sleep
I just want it to stop, it's too noisy in my head :(

It is horrible when there is that kind of endless churn of thoughts and worries. Very exhausting.

How old is your son?

Shadow I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I feel so sad that your parents were cruel to you. But I hope you know that when people behave in awful ways like that it is because of THEM, NOT because of you. The way people behave is only about themselves and their issues and insecurities. They are nothing to do with you. They are worthy of nothing but pity.

You on the other hand, have proved just how fantastic you are by caring so deeply about your children. You are stressed out now because you love them. At the end of the day what really matters other than that? Nothing. You are a good, worthy person. Your children love you to bits, despite any arguments of issues, they want and need you.

You have been through a lot and are panicked and stressed out. I completely understand the feeling and it's horrible. But challenge the chatterbox in your head. Just don't go down that road. You are in control. Breathe.

Also please try to get some physical exercise out in the fresh air, it will really help to clear your head.

Keep reaching out scared I wanted to check on you as I think you matter like the other people supporting you on here do too.

It's snowed all day here today, my son suggested we go get some shopping before the weather got bad, he really does try and be such a good and helpful boy.
Watching the kids sledging, they looked so innocent and like they were having so much fun, no worries no nothing.
You're replies made me cry, you're all so nice to me.
It hurts so much, I hate that I let them do what they did, there's no recourse for what they did, it it what it is.

I took a load of pills at Christmas and it did nothing, I woke up 3 days later, upset, disappointed, feeling worthless and useless.. I couldn't get that right.
It feels like a punishment continuing to be here :(

Hey shadow, thinking of you. Your son sounds like a little darling. Rather than focussing on the past, (which is gone, over with forever) can you try to see the good things happening now, the little rays of light. The kids having fun sledging, your boy's smile? Carry on doing your best for your little diamond, he is worth it. Can your reach out to your daughter? Just be honest, tell her you love her and you're missing her. Even if she doesn't want to come home (and let's be honest, what teen does!), just to have a chat, clear the air? I bet it will make you feel better. One less thing to worry about!

Hi Shadow, we had snow yesterday too.

You know, what your parents did to you wasn't your responsibility. You didnt have a choice about what they did. All you can do now is what you are doing. Looking after your son as best you can. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him. Keep on with that!

Have you managed to access any real life support?

My sons great. All my children are great, it just feels like I'm damaging them while I'm still here.
I text ar message my daughter every day but she very rarely replies. She won't answer the phone to me if I try phoning. It is what it is and until she speaks to me I don't think I can fix anything.
I guess it makes it easier in my decision.
I spoke to the crisis team, well I don't think I said much just cried but they said they will contact my cpn tomorrow and to use the OOHs Cpns if I need them. Tomorrow feels like an very long way away.
I just need everything to stop, I can't concentrate, I can't fix this anymore.

Sounds like your daughter is being a typical teenager. (Actually I am guessing that she is a teenager. She's certainly acting like one. ) if she is old enough to be away all you can do is tell her that you love her and that she can contact you whenever she feels like it. If she is texting you on occasions she hasn't cut off all contact. Maybe she has her own stuff she needs to sort out.

Your son is with you however and obviously values having you with him, so focus on that.

Is there anything nice you could do with him tonight? Maybe watch some tv/ film together with hot chocolate. Something which will occupy your mind and he will enjoy?

Keep on breathing, nice deep breaths.

Hi Scared
keep talking it helps more than you think i really hope you feel a fraction better and did the fresh air today help even a little bit. Please keep posting back xxxx

Seconding ditherydora, great advice. Shadow well done for reaching out to the crisis team, you are doing brilliantly. Just take it one day at a time. Things will be brighter again - for now just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are being so brave.

Spoke to my cpn today, she asked what she could do to help?
It feels like the million dollar question, if I knew what would help I would tell them. I just want it all to go away but it won't.
She said she can increase her visits for a bit so is coming to see me on Wednesday instead of next week.
Crisis team are phoning me at some point tonight, I just don't have any energy to speak. My head is really sore from no sleep and too much crying.
It feels like a mess

You sound like your in so much pain sweetheart but please believe it can get better. What your parents did to you was truly horrific and they took away your childhood but please don't let them take away the rest of your life...they are horrible vile people and you are nothing like them. By the sounds of it you are a very loving and caring mum that only wants the best for her children and that's you! It doesn't feel like it now lovely because your having such an awful time but they need you to be there for them, they need you to get better, they need you. Please keep posting my lovely, we're all worried about you and are here to listen

Hi Scared

What you can do is keep on posting here. That is one thing that you can do and which will help.

What therapies have you tried in the past? I have myself had some talking therapy which has really helped me with repetitive anxiety issues.

How is your son today?

You there scared

Please come back to let us know your OK scared

I'm ok, well as ok as I can be I guess.
I've got Jeremy Kyle on the TV hoping it takes my mind off everything but I just want to throw something at the TV.

Have got rape crisis today and then I need to take my son shopping for a jacket. Think I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do either, but it has to be done.
Crisis team were ok last night but I seem to be going back to my old ways of only talking about my daughter and not me. They did say if I cant talk about me things are going to go down hill very fast for me mentally, but its an easy subject to talk about, although not an easy situation, its something that feels real, something that is here, now, where as my head doesn't feel real, no one can see inside it so cant see how messed up it is. I don't have the words to explain whats in my head, it just feels like spaghetti junction in there.

I've got the psychologist this week, haven't seen her since before christmas, not sure I want to see her.
I just want to hide away from everything and everyone.

I'm really glad you came back scared
I know you don't want to talk about yourself or find it difficult to get the words out but these people help people with problems like that everyday but you have to help them help you. As hard as it is, you need to hold your head up and not bury it. Things will never get better otherwise and you deserve to be happy and your dc's deserve to have a happy mum. You just have to believe it's possible and take the steps to achieve it

Wanting to throw things at Jeremy Kyle is entirely normal. I also want to throw things at the radio when Jeremy Vine is talking.

Is it possible you have post traumatic stress disorder? I think there are specific therapies (non talking) which are available for this.

My counsellor at rape crisis feels I have PTSD not BPD, but when I asked the psychiatrist she said I had both. My psychologist does some work with me on it but a lot of it is trying to get me to open up, which is a big struggle. I have the pictures in my head, I just don't have the words.
I missed the call from the crisis team but my cpn was in this morning. I managed to tell her what I had done at christmas
I'm so tired my body physically hurts.i wish I could take a mallet to my head to make the pain stop it I don't have one.

Glad to hear that wanting to throw something at Jeremy Kyle is normal.

Also second wanting to throw stuff at the tv when I see Jeremy Kyle!

Shadow you sound a little calmer, I know you're still suffering but you're being so strong and reaching out for help like you are takes serious guts. I've also had cognitive behavioural therapy and found it was so hard to start talking... But once you do you might find it starts to flow and that no matter how painful, it is also cathartic to get those words out, to voice your deepest fears. It is part of the healing process.

Keep talking to us, keep talking to your cpn, keep taking it one day at a time. You'll get there. As Winston Churchill said, when you're going through hell, keep walking. You're doing fantastically.