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Mental health

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Original poster

How can you forget something traumatic?

74 replies

Wantingtoforget · 21/12/2015 19:17

Name-changed for this, not sure if it is in the right place either but couldn't think of where it should go.

Something happened to me a while ago that I have never told anyone about. It has had a dramatic effect on my mental health, I'm on maximum dosage of an anti-depressant but I still have flashbacks and panic attacks regularly and I really just want to kill myself.

GP/Crisis have said they can't help because I won't tell them what exactly it is that was traumatic, but I just can't say the words.

Is there anyway to forget something traumatic without having to tell someone/talk about it? I'm feeling like it will control me forever and there is only one way out.

OP posts:

BoboChic · 23/12/2015 09:57

You don't forget trauma. It marks you forever.

However, you can get to a position of acceptance that feeling traumatised was an appropriate response to an appalling situation beyond your control.

TeaStory · 23/12/2015 10:56

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

If you talk to a private therapist, it would be confidential - the only exceptions are if you are at risk of immediate harm and some specific issues (money laundering, terrorism etc). You could phone a couple, giving a brief outline as you have here, and ask what their policy would be.

You also could look for a private EMDR provider, as some of those work in a way which requires you to think about what happened but not necessarily to say it out loud.

You might also like to try looking at some books about trauma.
You might like:
"In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness" by Peter Levine.
"8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing (8 Keys to Mental Health)" by Babette Rothschild.

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 23/12/2015 19:08

Thanks to everyone for your replies/concern.

Sorry for not replying sooner, today has been a bad day in terms of flashbacks and anxiety.

I have emailed someone I found online who does trauma therapy/EMDR, so I'll see what they have to say.

I just hate myself for letting this happen and then letting it destroy me. I should be stronger than this but I'm not, I'm weak and pathetic. If it never gets any better then I can't live with it like this.

OP posts:

jemimavintage · 23/12/2015 20:21

That's one of the main downers in terms of thought wantingtoforget.....'if it never gets any better...'... Thing is, it CAN get better, and we have to try in some small practical way to hold onto that. It might sound ded cheesy etc....but there are people out there who have been through extremely traumatic things also, who have gotten through it.. We must must try to take some level of comfort from that. Tomorrow could be the day that your trauma is somehow put into a box by your subconscious mind, allowing you a bit more mental freedom... or next week could be the time....or next month... Point being, it can happen.

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 23/12/2015 20:31

Other people are stronger, I think, to cope with much worse things than me. I'm a complete failure in many ways, and this is just one more way.

I think I just wanted to know if you can forget, and the answer seems to be no, you never can. I don't think I can live with it forever, it feels cruel to be expected to. The mental pain is intense, it blocks out every other thought and feeling, it is intolerable and I just want to scream but that doesn't make any difference either.

OP posts:

Emmmder2015 · 25/12/2015 00:13

OP you can never forget. BUT you can feel differently about it.

So, as an example, I was raped. Any time I pictured it, or anything that reminded me of it even remotely was around I was stressed and had flashbacks. I've done EMDR for this and I have not forgotten what happened, it was obviously horrible.

The difference now is that the things that used to give me flashbacks no longer do and if I think about it I don't feel stressed. I haven't forgotten a single thing about it, but it's like my brain has put it in the storage box of "that happened in the past, that was horrible, but it's over".

Before it was in the "that happened in the past, that was horrible AND IT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE".

Like someone above said, in EMDR you don't sit talking for the whole session, so you don't have to give any details you don't want to, and the EMDR still works.

Good luck. You're worth a lot. You're worth more than whatever happened to you is making you believe. You can't forget, but your brain can "store" it differently so it doesn't bother you. It sounds unreal, but it works and it's proven to work too.

Emmmder2015 · 25/12/2015 00:14

Sorry - a bit of repetition there, can't see everything as I'm writing on the phone!

Emmmder2015 · 25/12/2015 00:15

Sorry - a bit of repetition there, can't see everything as I'm writing on the phone!

DifferentCats · 25/12/2015 00:18

Other people are not stronger than you. They are just at different stages in their grief and processing. You don't tend to see other people at their worst because they hide it

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 27/12/2015 20:41

Just feeling so low right now, can't bear the thought of going into another year feeling like this.

I'm sorry for all those who have suffered, thank you for sharing how you've come out of the other side.

OP posts:

DifferentCats · 27/12/2015 20:47

Oh, OP. It's not much use hearing about how other people are better when you are feeling rotten. But it's only three more hours until tomorrow. You have made it through today.

TouchingToes · 27/12/2015 20:56

It is so sad to read how distressed you feel and that you are too afraid to let anyone help you.

I acknowledge that what has happened to you was terribly traumatic and that your concern around repercussions is very real.

To repeat what some others have said, and you yourself, EMDR may possibly be a way forward. It worked like magic for me and I had already tried medication, counselling, hypnotherapy, "forgetting" etc.

The psychiatrist explained to me that trauma sort of freezes memories in the brain and blocks normal thoughts and events from processing normally. The EMDR thaws the traumatic memory and stashes it away neatly with normal memories so you can function without continually reliving the nightmare.

Like you I was genuinely fearful of repercussions and to this day my medical records have a "lock" on them, are not allowed to be shared without my express permission.

I hope this helps x

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 27/12/2015 21:45

I have tried EMDR and it didn't work, but I've emailed a private EMDR therapist, just waiting for a reply.

OP posts:

originalmavis · 28/12/2015 11:38

Emdr has good results & I think the us military uses it. You do need a good, confident, experienced therapist though. I did train to use it but haven't tried it put on a patient.

I do walk quickly and snap my fingers one after the other when I am processing something. The brain definitely does that weird 'swing' when it's working something out.

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 30/12/2015 21:09

Had a reply to say the therapist can't help.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/12/2015 22:08

I think you are brave.

You are living with terror. Everyday. That's fucking brave, if you'll excuse my language.

I think the strain of having to be this brave, is stopping you from being kind to yourself.

I don't have any big answers, but I do know that you desperately need some kind and gentle niceness in your life

lougle · 30/12/2015 22:56

Can you write down (not here, privately) some key words? Even if they are not directly about to what happened. How you feel when you're talking about 'not talking about it'? I wonder if you did that consistently, if day by day you could get nearer to writing a word about 'it'?

Did the therapist give you a reason that they couldn't help?

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 30/12/2015 23:10

No reason, the rational part of me knows he probably has no availability, but I can't help thinking its just that I'm not worth helping.

Just tired.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/12/2015 23:25

Btw, I have something that happened when a lot younger that I know effects me now and is probably the cause of a lot of current problems - not directly but in leaving me defenceless and vulnerable to stuff.

I've had counselling and finding it very helpful, and haven't as yet mentioned the first awful thing. I haven't told them it exists and I guess there's enough to work on without that, and I was worried that is have to tell all or sod off, but the reality is not like that.

It is different from your case where it sounds like there has been one awful, horrific thing happen, but I thought I'd share in case it's helpful.

I have realised through the counselling that I go from one extreme to the other. From being terribly good at blocking out and forgetting - to a bad extent where it scares me and I want to 'learn how to remember' but then also having really bad flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.

My counsellor is a great believer in NOT telling stuff unless it's right for you at that moment. Denial and dissociation can be our body/minds protection and forcing it can make us flooded and unable to cope.

But also the flashbacks and traumatic stuff that slips through the net, well, that's because stuffing into a dark wooden box at the back of your brain doesn't help long term.

The flashbacks etc can be because you haven't managed to process it yet, so in a way you're experiencing the raw pain of those moments over and over again... So sometimes by dealing with them very gently or getting at them via other memories or experiences, that can help slowly get some space in between you and the awfulness.

I would try your GP again and ask for a referral to counselling, it's not their job to diagnose or block you and you don't have to tell the GP you can't talk about it. You could say that you're not sure if you'd be able to BUT you do know you'd be able to talk about a lot of the stuff around it/ the consequences of it. And point out that a therapeutic relationship will change what you will be able to say over time so it's not fair to write you off without even the chance to try.

Basically, I think building a relationship with a stonking good counsellor would be really beneficial for you, and they could help you work it through at your pace and help you examine the reasons and terror you have about 'telling'... All without pressuring you to share.

Mellifera · 30/12/2015 23:25

I think the only way forward is to find a therapist, take as long as you need to feel safe with her (I'd recommend a woman), and then approach the issue.
Your GP doesn't have to know if you go private. You can just make clear that nothing gets shared.
Your flashbacks and PTS can tip you into a clinical depression so I'm glad you are on ADs.
I've had trauma, in my childhood. When I suffered a trauma as an adult, I had a breakdown. It brought all the childhood crap to the surface, I'd pushed it so far away, I had never told anyone about it. For 25 years. Currently I'm working through it, all the issues connected with my childhood trauma, the coping mechanisms that worked as a child, but are useless as an adult.

You will not be able to forget this. You need to start putting it into words. The idea to write them down and then burn the sheet is a good one. You can do this so many times, until you have found a therapist you feel safe with, and let her read it.

There is so shortcut, it will hurt. It's like an open wound, which cannot heal. It needs to be cleaned out and dressed properly. Please get the help you need.

mimishimmi · 30/12/2015 23:39

Is it GWOT related? I've had some terrible MH problems with the cr

mimishimmi · 30/12/2015 23:41

crimes associated with that even though I haven't committed any. It's more knowing who is, them knowing we know and feeling threatened by that.

Original poster

Wantingtoforget · 30/12/2015 23:47

A quick google suggests that means the 'Global War on Terrorism'? It's nothing to do with terrorism at all.

I'm not able to say what is is so probably best if I stop posting now.

Thank you all for your time and advice.

OP posts:

StuffandBother · 31/12/2015 08:54

I'm not trying to 'guess' what your trauma is but it reminds me a little bit of a soap opera or a thriller where everyone at home is saying 'tell the police, tell someone', what I mean is you can't see the wood for the trees and I imagine have no clarity about your situation, the threats/promises made have sadly done what they set out to do. If you have been assaulted you can tell a therapist without the perpetrator knowing that you have told someone (unless you have committed a crime that they would be obliged to report) .... That was all a bit jumbled but I wanted to reach out to you, I hope you make peace with this in the new year

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