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Original poster

I have fucked up big time....don't want to be here anymore

45 replies

Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 20:18

I have fucked up. I'm 28, a single mum and doing an MA degree. I had a breakdown and psychotic episode in 2014, dd's Dad (my ex) died about the same time. A friend of mine has been helping me look after dd etc. Today, I put in a message to 3 people( chldminder, friend, other friend) that my classes were changing and would anyone like to volunteer to look after dd on x days? My friend who has helped loads went mad and said I didn't appreciate her. This is not true, I just thought it was easier to ask everyone. I have fallen out with my Dad and he says I'm selfish and don't think about anyone else and maybe he is right. I have cried ever since my friend told me she was upset with me. I have scratched my arms. I feel like a big, fat manipulative bitch who always gets things wrong. I have too much coursework I can't do and I've broken my foot and am on crutches. I have letter after letter of bills and debts, including a fuck up with my tution fee loan. I just don't want to be here anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 20:51

I am also being bullied at uni....forgot to add that bit.

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tellmeofthetime · 04/12/2015 21:02

You have a great big heap of stuff on your plate right now, it's a wonder you haven't had a meltdown before. All you can do is make sure your friend knows how much you appreciate her help, and that you were just trying to spread the load. Try to put your father's criticism out of your mind, that's just nasty. I know it's easier said than done, when I hit low points I drag every criticism I've ever received out of their box and relive them.
Could you speak to a course tutor or student counselling and tell someone that you are struggling at the moment and need some slack. Is there a hardship fund where you study ?
Just trying to think of some practical things to help, but also if you feel your mental health is starting to slide get some medical help sooner rather than later, try to nip it in the bud.
You haven't fucked up, you're tired, injured, worried, overwhelmed. And you're still carrying on. You're strong and amazing.

timelytess · 04/12/2015 21:08

Sending gentle hugs and soothing vibes... sorry if that breaks MN rules!

You are overwhelmed, and not unreasonably so. Try to focus on one thing at a time.

Start by being open about how much your friend means to you and what a difference her help makes to your life, that you're sorry that when you asked for more help you offended and upset her.

I have some personal experience of what this sort of thing feels like and I hope you can, gently and tentatively, work your way through it.

INeedNewShoes · 04/12/2015 21:10

You have had an awful lot to deal with.

Could you defer completing your Masters for a year to give yourself a year to regroup?

Don't beat yourself up about things; it won't help you or the other people you have had disagreements with. You need to sit down and talk to the people you have been supported by and listen to what they have to say, then give yourself a chance to digest it and decide where to go from here.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 21:15

I have explained to my friend that I meant no offence. All I can do is apologise. I feel like a right bitch now.

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NorbertDentressangle · 04/12/2015 21:20

You haven't fucked up, you've just got a lot going on!

First step is to go and talk to people who can help - student services/course tutor at college can help address the coursework, tuition free loan and maybe even childcare.

Alongside this you need to see your GP or anyone you have supporting you since your breakdown last year.

At worst you may have to take a break from your course whilst you get everything back on track, but it's only a break. You won't have failed or fucked up, you'd just be pausing whilst you build a firmer foundation for you and your DD.

CloakAndJagger · 04/12/2015 21:21

What things have you done to thank your friend for looking after your DD so much? Is there any way you could try to make it up to her? It doesn't have to cost anything and it could make you both feel better.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 21:24

I have sent her flowers and say thank you all of the time etc. Have written her a letter/ card in the past. I said in my apology it was just an oversight, I didn;t think she'd mind and I was really sorry etc.

I really don't want to defer the year.

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Micah · 04/12/2015 21:37

Is your friend upset because you didn't ask her first, or because you're sending out general messages looking for "volunteers" to provide your childcare?

Do you do anything for her in return? Look after her child?

I agree with norbert. Go and see student services. There are hardship funds you might be able to apply for, they might help sort some stuff out for you, the loan, the bullying.

But I do think using friends for regular free childcare will only lead to a falling out. Unless you have a reciprocal agreement with the friend ask student services if they can help find you some proper childcare.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 21:38

Because I didn't ask her first. She hasn't got any dc's.

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Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 23:21

My friend has talked to me and said she knows I didn't do it on purpose so let's meet for coffee to sort it out.

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AyeAmarok · 04/12/2015 23:40

That's good news OP.

Meet your friend for coffee and explain that you were worried you had been taking advantage of her so you thought you would try and spread the load with other people. Ask her what you can do to say thank you for the childcare. Take a few days off studying altogether. And give yourself a chance to regroup.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 23:52

I explained that to her and she said she knew I didn't do it deliberately but she sounded so cross with me. I feel as though sooner or later people discover the real, manipulative and horrible me.

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AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 00:14

Do you feel as though you are taking advantage, deep down? If so, just explain that. Say that you are very aware what a huge help she has been and you feel very indebted to her. And you are worried and uncomfortable with that. She might be able to suggest something that you could help her out with too?

What's your MA in? Maybe someone here could help?

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 11:59

Yes that's exactly how I feel and I think she got the wrong end of the stick when I asked my friends who could manage which says. I've been awake most of last night because of it, and running through scenarios from sexual abuse as a child in mg head.

Ma is in creative writing.

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Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 16:37

My friend facebooked me to say not to worry about it anymore, I'm not a bad person. Which is what I felt like. Sat here in tears...cant go to my friend's wedding because I can't stand for too long, would feel fat and stupid with my boot on anyway, tried to go to the shop on crutches and with a rucksack (needed milk etc) and it really hurt, people were rude to me and shoved me out of the way, have been going to University on the bus with a broken foot only to be bullied, belittled and ignored (even by a visiting tutor), have got a ton of essays to write and no clue how to even begin, there's tons of rubbish outside and I can't pick it up so Dad will no doubt come round and tell me I'm "living like a tramp" again. Notice how none of my neighbours not on crutches have bothered though! I upset my friend with my selfish stupidity yesterday and all last night I was kept awake by vivid recollections of rape and all the things my parents, step-parents and abuser said to me that I believe to be true- manipluative bitch, plays games with people, whines loads, etc etc. And now I'm troubled by the thoughts that I'd be better of under the wheels of a train. I well and truly can't be bothered fighting this anymore. It's too hard. No-one will reply to this anyway, they'll think it's just another whinge, but whatever. Just putting it out there.

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Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:12

Now my friend from uni has fallen out with me. I can't take this anymore. I wish some one would come and put me out of my misery, really.

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P1nkP0ppy · 05/12/2015 20:26

You're definitely not a bad person, far from it.
Is there someone you can talk to? I think you need to see your GP, explain exactly how you're feeling and get some professional help. It's not a sign of weakness, you're clearly struggling op.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:28

I already have a CPN, lots of medicatio etc etc. Under a psychiatrist and have just had my anti psychotics increased. I don't think there's much more they can do for me.

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RandomMess · 05/12/2015 20:29

I wish I could help, I wish I could take your pain away.

I understand how real those beliefs are to you (I've been there) but other people do not think badly, harshly or unkindly of you.

You've had a horrendous time recently, have you got a CPN or a good GP or anyone who you can talk this through with?

RandomMess · 05/12/2015 20:32

Please call your CPN as your feelings are escalating more quickly than the meds are helping.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:33

My CPN is useless. My GP a bit better but they will just refer me to psych.

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AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 20:33

Never you're absolutely not a whinge. You have a lot on your plate and it's stressing you out, and that means you're struggling to keep things in perspective.

Is it just a disagreement with your uni friend? That's okay, people are allowed to disagree about things. It doesn't mean she hates you.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:35

Yes just a disagreement because I was saying I felt left out and she said "but we had coffee". i don't know if this is relevant, but I'm having clinical psychology at the moment and we were talking about both my psychosis and abuse last week.

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P1nkP0ppy · 05/12/2015 20:37

I wish I could help too, but please believe me that you're not useless, and there are people who love you- your DC for a start.
It'll take a little while for your increased antipsychotics to kick in, so hopefully they'll improve how you feel soon.
Can you call your CPN?
It's your illness distorting how things are op, it's not you as a person. It must be dreadfully distressing for you, but please believe me when I say that people do love you and are not judging you or thinking badly of you- I suspect they're probably very worried about you too.