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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

I have fucked up big time....don't want to be here anymore

45 replies

Neverletmego27 · 04/12/2015 20:18

I have fucked up. I'm 28, a single mum and doing an MA degree. I had a breakdown and psychotic episode in 2014, dd's Dad (my ex) died about the same time. A friend of mine has been helping me look after dd etc. Today, I put in a message to 3 people( chldminder, friend, other friend) that my classes were changing and would anyone like to volunteer to look after dd on x days? My friend who has helped loads went mad and said I didn't appreciate her. This is not true, I just thought it was easier to ask everyone. I have fallen out with my Dad and he says I'm selfish and don't think about anyone else and maybe he is right. I have cried ever since my friend told me she was upset with me. I have scratched my arms. I feel like a big, fat manipulative bitch who always gets things wrong. I have too much coursework I can't do and I've broken my foot and am on crutches. I have letter after letter of bills and debts, including a fuck up with my tution fee loan. I just don't want to be here anymore.

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BrokenGirl1 · 11/12/2015 01:17

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad

jemimavintage · 11/12/2015 00:01

Ello neverletmego, can you call someone to talk to them (even if it's about utter bollocks or something)...just to try to take a fraction of your mind away from the fear etc...? You need to contact some sort of services tomorrow. Post back and let us know how you've gotten on. YOU matter. Simple as that. Hugs matey..

Neverletmego27 · 10/12/2015 20:35

Thank you. Not feeling well tonight. Have self-harmed with my scarf after getting mega stressed with an essay. Was going to end it all, but kept remebering what people said about dd not having a Mum etc.

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Hawest1 · 09/12/2015 16:47

Completely agree with GeraldineFangedVagine, u are not a bad person & no matter what has happened u don't deserve to die, no one does.
Please speak to someone about how u r feeling, I haven't experienced anything his bad before so can't give any proper advice on how to deal with it, but I hate to think of someone suffering like u are. Keep ur chin up, stick with the therapy & I will keep everything crossed that u get over this horrible feeling & get back to a normal happy u & can get on with being a great mummy to ur DD.

GeraldineFangedVagine · 09/12/2015 11:41

Op, you are not a bad person, you don't deserve to die. You are having a very difficult time and you are reacting to that. You will come out of the other end but stick with the therapy. I'm having psychotherapy atm too and its horrible, but in the end I might change so I'm sticking with it. Everyone deserves to feel someone is listening to them. Tell your psychologist how it's making you feel, maybe they can help. Take care of yourself.

Neverletmego27 · 08/12/2015 22:56

Thank you. I feel quite low tonight. As though I am a bad person and deserve to die. It all stems from past abuse and I've started to have more flashbacks and new memories since I started psychotherapy.

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Hawest1 · 08/12/2015 22:49

Oh god Im so sorry u have been feeling that bad u od'd.
Omg I don't know what more to say than, hang in there. U have obviously hit a low, so really the only way is up from here, right?
If u ever feel low I'm sure u can find someone to talk to, friends, family, councillor, even a rant on here to some strangers can always help.
Bless ur heart. My fingers are crossed u get over this bad patch soon. I will defo be thinking of u

jemimavintage · 08/12/2015 20:48

Hang in there neverletmego, please. I've had a shitey old year miself....like....really shitey.... You're not alone with being fed up of everything. Just remember that, matey!! :)

Neverletmego27 · 08/12/2015 20:14

Just wanted to update. On Sunday, I took an od of pescription painkillers. My friend phoned an ambulance and I was in hospital under observation and for assesment until Monday. Am supposed to be having a call from home treatment today. Have contacted the staff at uni to get some support. The assesment from the RAID tean said I was having paranoid thoughts. I wasn't even aware that I was.

Feeling quite low.

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Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 23:14

I keep thinking I am a narracist, an abuser, a user and some one who takes advantage of people at every opportunity. I feel like I'm just showing my true colours. I can't stand what I have become. I'd rather not be here than that.

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Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 22:49

No sorry, 8! She,turned 8 last week

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Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 22:49

My dd is 7

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afreshstartplease · 05/12/2015 22:46

Hold on in there op

Things can get better

How old is your dd?

Hawest1 · 05/12/2015 22:39

Oh bless ur heart!
Take a second & breath! U seem to be a busy bee. U are trying to juggle uni & a kid & it's not easy at the best of times never mind with everything else thrown in aswell.
U need some real support, have u explained to ur friend or any of friends family how u r feeling at the moment? Maybe then they would understand & maybe not be as judgemental when u ask simple questions like who can look after DD when.
I'm am so sorry u are feeling like this but just think of that little girl! She needs her mummy, so u can't give up, it may be tough right now but surely it can only get better. U keep doing what u r doing, looking after ur child & trying to better the future for both of u is not a crime & u shouldn't feel bad about that, anyone else's opinions shouldn't matter but ur own.

Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 22:30

I have just been sat here thinking about taking all of my medication. Can't believe I upset so many people, albeit unintentionally. Perhaps my family etc were right, I am worthless, manipulative and as my stepmother says, there will always be some one in the world better than me. I'm starting to think I'd be better off not being here.

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Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:59

Ah no, sorry, we both feel left out of the group of people o our MA course as we don't get invited to the bar etc. I was saying about it and she said I'd hurt her feelings. But that wasn't my intention.

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AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 20:53

Do you mean she did something with other friends of both of yours and you weren't invited?

Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:47

I feel left out/ bullied ayeamock and my friend was offended because I didn't acknowledge that we had coffee the week before so I wasn't left out.

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Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:45

My CPN basically mutters about this and that and then goes away again.....she really is as useless as a chocolate teapot

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AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 20:44

Do you want to talk about the argument with your uni friend Never? What did you get left out of?

P1nkP0ppy · 05/12/2015 20:37

I wish I could help too, but please believe me that you're not useless, and there are people who love you- your DC for a start.
It'll take a little while for your increased antipsychotics to kick in, so hopefully they'll improve how you feel soon.
Can you call your CPN?
It's your illness distorting how things are op, it's not you as a person. It must be dreadfully distressing for you, but please believe me when I say that people do love you and are not judging you or thinking badly of you- I suspect they're probably very worried about you too.

Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:35

Yes just a disagreement because I was saying I felt left out and she said "but we had coffee". i don't know if this is relevant, but I'm having clinical psychology at the moment and we were talking about both my psychosis and abuse last week.

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AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 20:33

Never you're absolutely not a whinge. You have a lot on your plate and it's stressing you out, and that means you're struggling to keep things in perspective.

Is it just a disagreement with your uni friend? That's okay, people are allowed to disagree about things. It doesn't mean she hates you.

Neverletmego27 · 05/12/2015 20:33

My CPN is useless. My GP a bit better but they will just refer me to psych.

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RandomMess · 05/12/2015 20:32

Please call your CPN as your feelings are escalating more quickly than the meds are helping.

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