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Mental health

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Original poster

feel lonely, feel others are having a lovely time

29 replies

restless · 10/12/2006 15:52

changed my name for this cos I know some mners in RL and dont want them to know how I am feeling. Just feel low, feel everyone else is having a nice time with lots of friends and family while at home its just me,DP and DD.

Cant think of a single person to call to say 'do you fancy popping over for a cup of tea'. Lived here for 2 years, still dont really know others well. Havent realyl got to know anyone at DD's preschool. She is 3.

dont really know why I am posting on this. Just feel so lonely and want better for me,DP and DD. Have tried to meet others but havent really had much success. feel something is wrong with me.

OP posts:

flimflam · 10/12/2006 16:21

hello restless
rest assured, i know how you feel. I am struggling with just how fragmented life feels. I'm at home with DS who is 2 yrs. No family around. Have some friends but feel like I'm missing out. I think you have to really stick your neck out to get people to talk to you these days but when you do it can be well rewarded. Good luck.

freedomfighter · 10/12/2006 16:32

i feel same too restless, and always think others are out and about partying the night away...im due in january and two very close so called friends just walked when i got pregnant and ive tried to make new friends and talk to people at ante natal (with no success) but like ff says its sooo hard these days almost as if everyones on their guard...it may be that if you talked to others you already know, they may be feeling same but just darent say anything

Original poster

restless · 10/12/2006 17:31

relief to hear from you two.... was thinking it was only me.

Did think about calling someone today who I know a little bit who has a DD just a bit older than ours...but just didnt pluck up the courage to do it.

Must keep on trying.

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freedomfighter · 10/12/2006 17:54

no its not just you...just have a look around at some of the stuff on mumsnet and when im down it makes me realise there are others in same situation...its crazy really all the people out there feeling same and probably not realising the next door neighbour etc feels same...! there arent that many people who have lots of family and friends - it just looks like it ...id just go for it with this person you nearly contacted, what hve you got to lose?

RubberDuckWithCranberrySauce · 10/12/2006 18:12

You're not alone. I moved here about three and a half years ago now and I've found it incredibly hard to make and keep friends. It feels like just as I get to know people then life circumstances takes them away again - new jobs, moving abroad, etc... it does start to make you wonder if you're not some big friendless freak that everyone's trying to desperately get away from It feels so incredibly hard even to meet people you "click" with, that you have more in common with than just children the same age.

I have 2 people I've met at the school gates who I would say I have a proto-friendship with at the moment... good acquaintances? But my goal for 2007 is to try harder to get out and meet people in lots of different ways - by joining a club, volunteering or whatever it takes. That way, I think I won't be so dependant on a few people for my social wellbeing and it won't feel like such a body blow if it turns out that's another person I drift apart from because life gets in the way.

Bloody hard though, isn't it? And I consider myself a fairly self-sufficient person normally. God knows what state I'd be in by now if I didn't enjoy my own company...

Original poster

restless · 10/12/2006 18:24

i'm going to do the same.Join a club for 2007.

I've had rejections from a few people in one way or another in the last few years and it's shaken my confidence.So I feel too scared to make approaches - but have only got my pride to lose I think. Need to take the plunge.

Am starting to be friendly with another mum but do need others so that Im not so reliant on one or two - cos as rubber duck says people drift/move away.

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luckylady · 10/12/2006 21:17

Not on your own sweetie, I moved on the 2nd Nov to Germany, from Cyprus then my hubby deployed to Afghan on the 22nd of Nov, so I am alone with dd 10years ds 2years and 9 weeks pg.. oh and my dog. I feel soo lonely it is unbelievable. I try to get out and about but some days I just cant leave the house with crying and feeling sorry for myself. I need to give my head a shake and try to meet people...

sorry didnt mean to rant just wanted you to know you are not the only one feeling like this.

Take care and keep your chin up, things can only get better.xx

rockinrobin · 11/12/2006 14:55

I feel just the same I try to go out and about but it just seems hard to meet up with other mums, I know that just having the same age chidren is no reason to have a friendship but it's no different to joining a club!
Why do other mums look at you like you are weird for trying to chat to them? I'm just glad its not just me!
We should all meet up and be lonely together!!

Original poster

restless · 11/12/2006 16:04

i sometimes come back home after dropping dd off at pre school and cry and feel so low cos noone has spoken to me or I've tried to speak to someone and I've not got much of a response.

I know its hard, just got to keep at it.

thanks for your words of support. Good to know I am not alone.

OP posts:

mrssnoah · 12/12/2006 23:25

Set your goals, Restless. Something simple..

Go to preschool and on day 1 talk to a friendly looking Mum, say something nice about their child.

Say hello again and chat a little on day 2 and 3

Day 4 ask if they would like to bring their child back for a quick play and a coffee sometime, say Friday?

If they say yes, you have yourself a new friend.

rockinrobin · 13/12/2006 10:53

mrs noah that is a liitle unfair! We have all done that and it really dosent work quite that way, I also think that when people say it's that easy it makes the rest of us feel a more pressure!
Please don't think i'm being unkind to you just a liitle bit more realistic!

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 19:20

Sorry ? I dont understand.
Exactly why is that unfair Robin?

I read these posts and felt sad, I thought I would try to make a positive contribution to the thread rather than a sad retort. After all Restless says herself she want to make things better. And I never said it was easy.

I have moved in circles of 250 miles and have a tried and tested method.

Imo people always respond to others who smile, its human nature.

RanToTheHills · 13/12/2006 19:25

well, I think you're both right - depends on the people & the circs.
I feel this too atm -to the point that I feel like a right wet blanket on the few occasions when i do go out with ds2/other mums. And this after making tons of friends where we used to live. really lost my confidence. it isn't easy.

Original poster

restless · 13/12/2006 20:08

mrsnoah

i thought your advice was really nice - you made it seem so straightdforward and simple. I tend to worry about all this too much and probably need to get out there and do something and not worry about it. Afterall any kind of action is a good thing I think. Thank you!

I know what rockinrobin means too though. For me, mrsnoah's comments were helpful however.

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mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:17

Restless, thank you, I was worried there for a minute.
Now that just shows what a really lovely person you are to be able to be so nice to both people.

If I met you at preschool, I would love to be your friend.

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:26

It's a rare occurrence to meet friends that you feel you really click with.
They dont come along all that often.

I do think if you have a dp and a dd at home with you,they obviously love you so there cant be anything wrong with you (your words not mine!)

Also, think of that as giving you good strong roots to go out into the big bad world. As when you come back, there they are to give you a big hug and tell you they love you.

And while we sit here merrily tapping away to each other, I am sure there are great crowds of friends drinking and dancing the night away, but hey, I am right where I want to be talking to you mums!
You cant be lonely while we are here lovie.

Nemoinapeartree · 13/12/2006 20:30

Restless no advice just empathy!!! My social life consists of online 'friends' I dont have anyone to call on when I need to chat and am also slightly panicking about when I go in to give birth to my 3rd baby as we dont have anyone to call as such to help with my other 2. So not everyone has this huge network of friends to phone.

Original poster

restless · 13/12/2006 20:31

aaahhhh, that is such a nice thought to hold onto: thinking of my family here as the roots from which to go out. Need to use that to give myself some confidence.

You know all I want for my duaghter is for her to happy,secure, healthy and to give her the confidence and secure homelife from which to explore the world.. never thought of using the same sort of thoughts for myself.

I think I probably sometimes worry about all of this too much so it becomes too big a deal for me.

Also this time of year isnt great for feeling like you're alone and have no friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

restless · 13/12/2006 20:36

peartree - thanks for your post. sympathy is really nice you know. I know the feeling of having no one to call on. Its not nice is it.

A while ago I was desparate for some help to look after DD for an afternoon, called someone I only vaguely knew through someone else - they were alright to help. Took me a lot to ask though. Is there anyone you know a little like that who could look after your other 2 children when you go into labour? Sorry if a stupid question - you probably already have thought of that.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/12/2006 20:38

My mum is the expert at this; she takes ds out for 2 hours and has met about 15 people I never would. I think she must just go out there and say "hello, I don't care, I'm the granny, I'm going to talk to you" and it works! I can't really do this myself, I make very general convo in the park, but I think there is something to be said for the full-on "here I am" approach.

Nemoinapeartree · 13/12/2006 20:41

restless the one person I know quite well who would normally help out is actually due herself tommorow. So when I go in beginning of jan she will have a 3wk old aswell as her own 2 children who are 5 and 3 so couldnt then add in my 3 and 1yr olds..lol Am sure something will work out.

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 20:53

oh Nemo that's worrying. Do you know any Mums at school at all?
Wish I could help you.

Restless, what do you like to do in your spare time? What doe DP and DD say you are good at? What do enjoy?

Nemoinapeartree · 13/12/2006 21:00

lol mrsnoah we will be fine. Ds goes to playgroup but dont talk to other parents etc.

Original poster

restless · 13/12/2006 21:04

mrsnoah
i like rambling, cycling, reading, going to cinema, dancing (though am crap at it), visiting museums, looking round shops/browsing, reading.

Just the usual things really!

OP posts:

mrssnoah · 13/12/2006 21:17

Wow you do loads! Puts me to shame.

Oh hark at me I am full of daft ideas...

I do know a gang of mums that cycle together- they met thru our local bike shop. Put a sign up in yours/speak to the owners and get a group of you together?

Join a dance class? That would be fun. I did a ballet class recently. Didnt know a soul but they were very kind to me as I was appallingly crap at it and they felt sorry for me

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