Feel like i cant cope much longer (long post)

[Charleesawmummykissingsanta]

Where do i start? I feel selfish saying it and feeling it as i know there are so many people in alot worse situation than me but i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and i don't think i can hold it up much longer. I have so many things to worry over Im constantly crying every little thing sets me off. I hate the kids seeing it poor DS1 is only 2 and all he sees is him mum in tears. DS2 is 3 weeks old and im already feeling completley hopless and out of my depth.
Im trying to sort my worries into individual boxes so i can tackle one at a time but i don't think any of them are solvable.

1. My main worry is my mum she is due her 3rd heart operation shortly after xmas. I know she isnt going to make it, this sounds so dramatic i know but she went into the 1st one reasonably healthy and barley pulled through, the 2nd one was an emergency one last xmas day to save her life and she barley pulled through again, this time she is under a mountain of stress, shes smoking and is quite unfit, there is no way she's going to make it, thinking of life withou her is unbarable. Not that it is a fraction as important but she is my only form of daytime transport and even if she survives she won't be well enough to drive for at least 6 weeks so it looks like i am going to have to pull DS1 out of playschool because i wont be able to get him there which is a pian as he loves it and it gives me 2 mornings of much needed rest.

1. My DS1 is also quite ill and is undergoing tests at the hospital to see what is wrong with him, i am going out my mind worrying about what his final diagnosis will be incase it's something serious. Also ditto about transport to his 2-3 hospital appointments he has a week. He spends all day vomiting and needs his nappy changed at least 8 times a day.

1. My DS2 wont stop screaming full stop, i have tried everything and he just wont stop. I can't take it.

1. I have my mum to look after, DS1 and 2 to look after, a house to keep clean and a family to feed and look after.

I feel like im sinking into a life of worry and i can't see a way out, im not depressed as such just cant seem to make haedway with everything.
Its obviously effecting DP he doesnt know how to deal with everything especailly me constantly crying he just avoids me and doesn't speak alot.

Im not sure what else to say i just keep going over everything which makes me cry more.

So sorry you feel like this.

Only have a minute before I need to sort out dd so sorry for short reply-will be back later if I can....

1.Your Mum-I know how difficult this can be but there really is little you can do with 2 small ones.THe hospital will do all they can.
WRT transport-is there a playschool nearer or on a bus route?
Do you know any other Mums who could give you a lift?

2.DS1-Am sure that the hospital may be able to help with trasport,if not,maybe WRVS? Not sure if they help with transport but if you need to get to the hospital,there MUST be a way fo getting you there.

3.Not an expert on crying all the time but is it worth getting him checked to see if there is anything obvious wrong.Ccould you get a friend just to walk him in his pram for an hour to give you a break? Anyone who could give you a lift to a cranial osteopath?

4.Is there a DH or DP-you cannot do all of this yourself?

Finally-I hear great things about Surestart-please contact them and also your HV-you need some support and you nee dit now.

Sorry so rushed-back later.

You have alot on your plate. You have a new baby to care for.
You say your not depressed but are you sure have you spoken to anyone outside your family.
It must be a very worrying time with you mum having an operation which you don't think she'll pull through.
Are there any playgroups more local to you.
Have you spoken to your HV.
Maybe Ds2 is picking up on your own anxiety.

I live in the middle of nowhere, there are no playschools, bus routes, toddler groups in walking distance. DS goes to the closest playschool but it is still about 5 miles away.
I have no friends i'm only 19 and when i decided to have children the people i assumed where my friends ditched me.
Dp is here but he works two jobs as it is and has just this minute declared he cant cope with DS2 crying all the time. Luckily both the kids are now asleep.
I haven't spoken to my HV, i have been on and off of anti d's since i was 14 and i honestly don't feel depressed i'm just worrying about everything.

I hate to sound patronising but you are very young to have so much on your shoulders...not surprising you are finding things difficult. I too had a very poorly baby and it is awful. Your older ds may be acting the way he is due to a new baby in the house, your obvious stress and generally being 2!! I am very sorry to hear abut your mum, but there is only so much you can do and worrying is not going to change anything. I nearly lost my sister 3 months after my ds was born so I can really sympathise. I definately think you should talk to your GP and HV and get some help with the transport side of things. (WRVS for hospital visits) Surestart could really help you - ask your HV about it. The sooner you take some positive steps the sooner you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck

My god. If I were you, I would have walked out one morning and never come back - cannot believe you are holding all that together - BLOODY WELL DONE YOU.

Now, practical support. Where you live sounds very bad for you. What are the options for moving, are you renting?

Would a sling help with ds2?

The house has to become less of an issue. You are in a time of crisis, forget about cleaning as much as you can.

So very sorry to hear about ds1. I think that needs to be your main focus, do you have any sibs who could help out with your mum?

I'm afraid dp needs to sort himself out, I'm sure he is working very hard but so are you, and things are unsustainable. None of us can cope with a baby who cries all the time.

Whereabouts do you live? What can local MNers do to help?

Hang in there it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and it's not surprising you've got stress steam coming out of your ears. From the sounds of it there's not a whole lot you can do ref your mum and DS 1 until you know more but just try to block the negative thoughts if you can (easier said than done I know) and I agree with Heavenisinherunderwear that DS 2 is probably picking up stress and anxiety from you

What part of the country are you in?

Keep your chin up. XXXXXXXXX

Thanks for your replys. I am in West Sussex im not sure there are many local mumsnetters, i did post in the meet ups sections but no replys as of yet i dont think.
I had a word with DP and rather unkindly told hi that i had enough to deal with right now and could he please decid weather he was able to stick around and cope with the kids f not to bugger off, i know thats probably not helpfull but i can't deal with much more right now.

I know i cant do anything to help my mum but the worry is just so big its overwhelming.
ditto with DS1, DP and i are up all night sharing looking after him and changing his bedding where he is so sick from coughing. In between im breast feeding DS2.

Im sure DS2 is picking up on the tension in the house but even when we are all stress free he is still screaming the place down , its not even crying its screaming.

I wish i could move house, we currently private rent, if we moved out we wouldnt get our bond back as the landlord installed white carpets all through and a cobination of mums dog/ wet winters and boiler engineers have ruined them beyond cleaning. We couldnt raise another bond to private rent and even if i put my name on the council list i dont know what reason i could put down for needing to move.

i will find out about transport for hospital trips, not sue what sure start is but i already claimed the sure start maternity grant for DS2 to get his pushchair/ crib ect.

Im just getting to the point where every little tadk just seems to hard, even bathing the kids or cooking dinner sends me into floods of tears, its a bit silly i know but half the time i dont even know why i am crying!

Fisrt step should be to call the health visitor and get her round.Tell her exactly what is going on and I am convinced she will help and give you all the sure start details.
You would definitely be entitled to help with transpport to the hospital for Ds's visits-sam a poster in Doc's this morning.
Sorry you are nowhere near me as I would definitely take the little one out for you.

Let us know how you get on.

Thanks Wossh thats really kind, i have a routine check up with the hv tommorrow so i will soeak to her then. I feel such a fool telling her all my troubles but i will ask about surestart.

Home Start are worth a look as well. Talk to your HV and take as much help as can be offered.

There will definitely be some local MNers who can help you (alas I am not one of them being in Leeds) - we'll keep this bumped.

Regarding the council housing,it might be worth just getting an apllication form.
Council rents are usually cheaper than private,so that could be one of your reasons. Also now you have young children you need to be closer to shops,schools,nursery etc.
The carpets may well clean up you can hire a carpet cleaner for about £25 for a weekend.
But these are things which don't need to be thought of in the short term.
Speak to your HV and see if there is any help you can get for ds1. Also talk to her about your concerns for ds2.
If your dp can't cope with the children then he should help in other ways.

With regard to the council house issue....I am sure that if you rang the local council and explained your situation..i.e. no transport links and the need to be nearer to schools and hospitals then something could be sorted out, even getting your name further up the list...If you dont ask you will never know. When you feel overwhelmed it is very easy to be negative about everything but there are people out there that can and will help you. You just need to ask. Wish I lived closer to you!!! PLEASE talk to your HV tomorrow...let us know how you get on.

Bumping this for anyone who may have further advice prior to HV appt.

Honey, wish i could help more, would love to help more that crap advice i'm bound to offer.

1: your mum- She sounds like a fighter, she may make it, i hope she does. Do you have anyone else that can help you while she is in hospital?

2:- i can imagine how stressful this is, i know it is blase to say this but try not to worry, my dd spent 6 months not eating a thing and passing mucas beacuse she was eating to little, after many, many hospital trips she just...got better, and it is still a mystery.

3: of course you can't, you have so much to bloody deal already, sling sounds like a good idea, and swinging crib? that was fab with DD. I also wish i could help you practicaly and luved closer!
Definaly call the HV you need support and help.
Do not think of yourself as a faliure for feeling like you can't cope, you are doing sooo much.
Thinking of you hon, please do CAT me on [email protected] if you wanna moan, cry, scram, i can only imagine how isolated you must feel.

I think thats the worst thing being so isolated. It is ok all the time i at least have my mum to talk to but that may not be for long.

I know i shouldn't look on the bad side of thingd but i somehow cant help it. It was exactly this time last year i was going through the sme thing planning on how to tell everyone my mum didn't make it through her 2nd op and she just about did so maybe, just maybe she may do this time. It just kills me to wathc her smoke and stress herself out when she knows whats she about to undego.

I really wish i could move house, i think i will deffo have to think of some way to do it. I got a housing form but still not sure what to put down on it, i think i will have to send it in with a covering letter explaing the situation. I will talk to the Health Visitor today about transport to the hospital.

I do have 2 sisters but they don't live near me and have there own problems and familis to deal with.

It's just so frustrating that i can't do anything at the moment without crying, i feel so bloody useless all the time.

DS! really worries me but not only that but he knackers me out, im constantly clearing up his sick and comforting when his coughing gets him down, he clings to me like anything and hes become scared to eat becuase he brings it back up, the hospital are doing everything they can but it's taking so long.

Thanks for your posts by the way just talking to other people is a great help sometimes.

Not much help with most of it - but maybe with the screaming baby.

Mine were like that when they were overtired. They could cope with maximum 2 hours awake time at a stretch and sometimes as little as an hour. The other thing that helped was white noise when going to sleep - eg a hoover, or a radio out of tune - somehow it helps them fall asleep. Another thing I found was propping them on their sides until they were asleep.

A screaming baby and no sleep is enough to drive anyone mad - and with the rest of your concerns must be unbearable.

so sorry to hear about this. You do have an awful lot on your plate for someone who was so recently a child yourself! I don't mean that to sound patronising but when I think back to what I was like at 19 - my god, I don't think I would have coped.

What struck me from your posts was that yes you do have alot of worries but the constantly being tearful might indicate you do have a real depression that would benefit from anti-depressants. Why not check it out with your doctor? I think you need to take your mental health seriously and be kind to yourself. For someone who has obviously had mental health issues since 14, you have given yourself ALOT to deal with in life, by having two kids at 19. Why not be kind to yourself and get all the help you can? Definitely get your HV in, even show her this thread! you have explained things really well on here.

I also think one major issue is working round to you and DP coping with this together rather than at loggerheads. OK, he's working hard but no harder than you. You need to be sharing the childcare equally when he is at home.

I really hope you get some good help soon. I can see so many positives to being such a young mum if you can get help through this difficult time! You will be all glammed up and working in some nice job, with years ahead to climb the ladder, when old crones like me are having babies and smelling of sick

best of luck to you, and I hope your mum is ok too.

Thanks again for your posts it all really helps to know there are people out there willing to listen to my problems.

I spoke to my H.V she says DS2 seems to have bad colic after listning to him scream the whole time we were there. She has gotten me a prescription for Infacol and given me some tips of how to hold him to help his stomach ache.
We also had a chat about my feelings and she said it sounds as if on top of all my home problems i am getting post natal depression and has given me the choice of either seeing my g.p and getting some anti d's or she is willing to arrange a psychiatric nurse to come and see me and have a chat.

She obviously couldn't solve my problems re my mum and DS1's health ect but it was good to have a chat and get it out in the open plus she says if i get some help with the PND i may beable to cope with it all a bit better.
I am going to speak to the hospital about possibility of travel to and from the appointments and i have decided to take a bg step and learn to drive in the new year as DP's extra job means we have some spare money. It will give me some more freedom and i can get DS to playschool and back plus i can make friends and maybe join some clubs ect.

I know i can't solve my mums health and i can't help DS1 untill he's diagnosed. I just have to deal with that and try and cope with the worry.

DP is a big help we do have our odd spats as it's hard for him to deal with all the stuff plus me crying as well but he spoke to the HV aswell and now understands that i need help with the PND. m going to see my g.p asap and get some anti d's under way.

Thanks again for your replys.

WELL DONE YOU!

I think you've taken an important step. Good for you. xx

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Thanks for taking the time to post Mygril.

I know how scared my mum is, i was with her for the last op i held her hand as she went down she cried like a baby, it made it 100 times worse to see her so scared. Of course there is a chance she will come thorugh it otherwise they wouldn't be doing it but i have a feeling she won't especially with her life style but your right i do need to cherish every second with her, we are as close as a mother and daughter can be and the thought of life without her tears me apart, but for her sake i know i have to start being strong.

She talks about the future and the things she is going to do after the op so im hoping these positive thoughts will be what she needs to get her through it.

I don't think there is a transport scheme in my area but i am determined to think of something to get DS1 to playschool, it;s only 2 days a weeks so even if i have to scrimp and save for a taxi i will. I will deffo get some info on hospital taxi's.

It's just hit me pretty hard after coming through a real bad spell of depression when i was 15 and badly self harming i became such a strong person so to be hit with it again really knocked me for six but your all really helping so thanks alot.

My email address by the way is [email protected] and i have msn if anyone ever fancies a chat.

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No no your advice and support is really helping and it makes alot of sense.
Im trying to sort out everything in my life and find ways to make it easier and the things i can't i just have to except i suppose.

For instance rather than dragging the kids round tesco's today im shopping online. Not a huge step i know but it's at least something. Tonight i will try and get to the G.P's for a chat and see about some anti d's or something else.

DS1 is on a completley Dairy free diet it doesn't seem to be having an effect he has undergone a shed load of blood tests though so hopefully we are closer to solving the problem.

You are all really helping though, mumsnet is oerfect support in a time of need as i don;t feel i have to hide things and i don;t feel so stupid posting as i would talking in detail in RL. Thanks you guys.