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Original poster

I don't want to have to ask to be supported again but here we are....

30 replies

howcanikeepdoingthis · 14/10/2015 00:57

I have a nice catalogue of experiences of mh diagnosis and treatment, months in hospital etc etc. Last couple of years I have been doing very well and even supporting the recovery movement.

Its such a joke as I am a total mess. My baby twins do not sleep, I haven't slept in 9 months. I have a hundred thousand thoughts in my head all whirring around and I can't sleep even when they do. Im just going back to work and can't cope with it all. Im running 50 miles a week on very few calories. Im fairly sure my sons teacher hates me and is taking it out on him. I can feel it every time I see her. Cars are slowing down to look a me, its like people can see what is happening in my head. My husband keeps having to work in the evenings but I wonder if he is having an affair, my body is ruined from the twins I can see why he would need to.

Im so stressed and confused and exhausted. I just don't know what to do next. My psychiatrist is on holiday till November, not sure I have it in me to hold it together till then. I hate that I am supposed to be recovered and feel like Im on the edge.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 14/10/2015 01:11

You poor thing. Don't have experience of this but posting to keep you company until someone more knowledgeable comes along.

It sounds like you need to see someone before November, is that possible? Flowers

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 14/10/2015 01:19

Thank you. I really appreciate you replying.

I can see someone else from the team like my cpn but don't know what they will/can do. I have a load of anti-psychotics and lorazepam that I am supposed to be taking but I can't cope with the nights if I am drowsy. I know I need more sleep but with 4 children under 6 its not like I have babysitters queuing up! Haven't had a night without them. I love them all so much and really want to be a good mum, feel like I have to prove myself. Argh just wish my head would turn off. Cant wait for 5am so I can run.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 14/10/2015 08:21

It sounds like you are a great mum, I don't think you have anything to prove. I think it might be worth seeing your cpn anyway, just to explain what's happening. It's no good if your current medication makes you drowsy but you also can't not take it as you'll get unwell! Maybe there is something else they can prescribe? I hope your run cleared your head a little bit.

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 14/10/2015 09:36

Thank you Gunpowder. Run did help. I look and feel absolutely wrecked but my head wont shut off. I cant stop thinking about bloody Broadchurch and keep worrying what if my husband killed someone. Its like day dreams but then I forget its not real. In meetings from11-5 today so trying to sort the kids out. Don't know how I will get through the day.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 14/10/2015 09:44

You poor thing. Looking after little ones is hard at the best of times even without mental health to contend with! I think you need to speak to someone today and tell them how you are feeling, it's more important than the meetings.

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 14/10/2015 21:22

Thanks again Gunpowder, your replies have helped me today. Managed to get through what I needed to although I struggled to focus on anything productive at work. Have fallen asleep at 7 with the kids tonight and am now up and wired again. I phoned my CPN this morning but she had gone home stressed after having a bit of a breakdown at work....oh the irony! We are all people I guess. Trying really hard to focus on the positive stuff and how far I have come and how much I need to protect the children from having another episode but it just seems insurmountable. I need someone to take them all for a night so I can have a huge dose of quetiapine and sleep for like 24 hours!

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 14/10/2015 21:31

Hello, saw this and didn't want to read and run. First, you are coping incredibly well with a huge amount. Far more than most people ever manage. So first step, be really really proud of how you're doing. Second step - you may not get babysitting offers, but what happens if you ask? Ask grandparents/aunts/uncles and if you can afford it book a 3 day, 2 night break. First night is sleep and recover, second night is lovely dinner and 'together time'. Hang in there, I think pretty much everyone would need additional support with everything you're coping with.

Gunpowder · 14/10/2015 22:28

How frustrating about the CPN. Imagine all the understaffing/underfunding affects them too. Sad

Well done on calling though. I don't really know how it works, is there someone else from the team you can call tomorrow? I would have thought they would want to sort out alternative medication for you asap if you are unable to take what's currently prescribed.

You sound like a great mum, btw. I'm so sorry things are tough.

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/10/2015 05:39

Ahhhhhhhhh the three little ones are up for the day, I cant cope.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 15/10/2015 05:46

I think you are right about needing a night's respite from children duties so that you can simply sleep. Any chance of your husband taking a morning off and doing the night before? Or someone else maybe.

In fact couldn't you have this arrangement with your DH on the weekend?

Sleep is so vital. Flowers

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/10/2015 07:47

I need to escape my head, I cant take anymore.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 15/10/2015 08:08

Can you call the cpn again? Is there someone else from the team who can help?

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/10/2015 22:19

Seen someone from the team today, had a good long chat which was cathartic but made no progress in terms of how we move forward. Have planned to meet the back end of next week but I don't think I have the resilience to make it to then. Got a long day doing some training at a university tomorrow so desperately trying to prep for that but my house is a tip and I probably have about 44 minutes before someone wakes up. Feels like I am on a treadmill in the Truman show and i just need to get off and have a rest. My head needs a break. My stress bucket seriously needs more holes in it.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 15/10/2015 22:26

What is your husband doing to help you?

You do sound like a great mum, and like you have about 50 plates to keep spinning with no help, no wonder you feel like you do.

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 16/10/2015 20:15

My husband is lovely but very very busy at work and so laid back with the kids and house that I feel like I take the stress. He doesn't notice things let alone worry about them. Feel a bit better tonight.

OP posts:
Tetrismum · 16/10/2015 20:47

Hello, glad to hear you are feeling a bit better tonight.

My DH sometimes experiences difficult mental health issues, build up of stress and anxiety leading to psychotic episodes, so your description of how you are feeling and the thoughts you are having sounded very similar to me. The lack of sleep, whirring thoughts and slight paranoia are very much tell tale signs that my husband is going to have another episode.

If I may offer some advice, from our experiences, I would say that getting some good sleep will help and is so, so important, although I realise that in your circumstances this is much easier said than done. Is there anyone that can come and give you some peaceful time to allow this?

I'm no expert on different medications but my DH found that Ariprizole taken in the mornings did not have a sedative effect. Last time we saw the signs that he was going to have an episode again he started taking it, and subsequently avoided full blown symptoms. It's no means a perfect medication but he could function pretty well on it. Maybe you could discuss this with your CPN to see if it is suitable for you?

Have you discussed exactly how you are feeling with your DH, even if he is busy Perhaps he's so busy he hasn't noticed how difficult things are at the moment? He needs to give you some time to sleep, it will be much better for the whole family if he can arrange for this to happen rather than risk you feeling worse.

You sound like an amazing mum, be kind to yourself.

Jenda · 16/10/2015 20:55

Just wanted to give you another hand to hold. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. As PP said, can you speak to your husband and ask for more help? He might need a prod to realise he needs re prioritise

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 17/10/2015 21:52

Thank you so much for your advice and support, it means a great deal. I'm on my phone which doesn't feel safe so I will reply properly later.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 17/10/2015 23:34

Someone else in awe at what you are doing - 4 children under 6, (including 9 month twins!) lack of sleep and mental health issues. It does sound like you could be heading for a psychotic episode, especially as you aren't taking the anti-psychotics because of drowsiness, but can they prescribe something else that has less of a sedative effect.

Are you really running at 5.00 a.m. Can I ask why you are doing that - I think you said it makes you feel better, but it sounds like you need to put the brakes on a bit, as you are physically and emotionally exhausted. On top of all that it sounds like you have a high pressured job.............phew, makes me tired just thinking about it.

Do you have to go back to work - must cost a fortune in child care. Really hope you can get some meds that will help and you can start to feel a bit better. And YES you are an amazing mom, so don't doubt that!

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 18/10/2015 21:57

Thank you everyone for being so kind. No idea why I felt scared to reply yesterday but those feelings have gone.

Tetris, you sound like you have such a good understanding of you dh's difficulties. I often feel so alone with mine. My husband is amazing in lots of ways but he buries his head in the sand a bit. I think he doesn't want to do anything that would make him my carer, its something we avoid to protect our marriage but in some ways it enables my behaviours to escalate. Strangely I have been given a script for Aripiprizole last week. I haven't started taking it yet because I don't know how I feel about it all. The plan was to return to quetiapine as i know I can be well on that. I hate messing about with different meds. Im scared of the side effects and worry about what it might do to me.

Nana, thank you. I need to work because I need the structure and meaning it brings. My childcare costs are minimal as we rely a lot on family. But even if it financially wasn't worth my while I am not valuable enough unless I am working.Today I had ran 7 miles and done 3 hours ironing before 8am. When my head is so busy I need to do stuff or I get so stressed with myself and running helps. I guess the downside is physically I am becoming exhausted. I haven't stopped since 3am, had the kids most of the day by myself and I know I am tired but I can't switch off. Got a big presentation on Tuesday so am working on that but finding it hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. Ive lost a lot of weight with the running too and tend to become a bit addicted. Its another thing that goes round and round my head. I might go out again in a bit. Argh, I wish things would slow down.

I really want to be well, for me, for my kids. I hate that its such a battle. Was at a kids party today and felt everyone knew what i was thinking. Was so preoccupied I forgot where I was. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 18/10/2015 22:05

I don't know what to advise but I have been thinking of you today. It sounds like you have so much going on and anyone would find it tough. I hope you get to see someone who can advise on medication this week, so you can sleep and feel better. Don't worry about the kids party, they are usually too hectic for anyone to hear themselves think, let alone guess what anyone else is thinking. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 24/10/2015 17:35

At the total end of my tether. Husband is out at a party tonight, think I wont be here when he gets back.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 24/10/2015 17:48

Are you ok howcanI - you were sounding reasonably all right in spite of all your difficulties. I did wonder if the running was related to an ED? A way of getting control in your life......are you upset about DH at a party? You mentioned you thought he could be having an affair. Are you still worried about that. I think you should take your anti psychotics. Why can't you take Quietiapine if that keeps you well.

Sorry so many Qs........

Original poster
howcanikeepdoingthis · 24/10/2015 19:23

It makes me sleep all night like I'm in a coma which would be great if I didn't have to get up every single hour of the night to deal with one of them! My husband can do what he likes, I've been at work in my second job since 7am. I'm totally exhausted and he can see that. I don't care who he is shagging I'm more cross he has left me on my own tonight. My cpn has told me yesterday we will no longer see each other as our paths will cross with my new job and it will be too difficult. Cant cope with that. I think I will have to find a way out. The kids need someone but not me. I'm a mess.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 25/10/2015 00:36

Oh NO - you have 4 children under 6 and work outside of the home too?? My god no wonder you're exhausted - you would be if you weren't mentally ill but as you are, it just seems impossible. Why do you have to work? There's no way DH should have left you tonight when you were so exhausted and presumably had to do bedtime etc.

What is your new job? And why can't you still have a CPN - sorry I keep asking questions but you need support and you're not getting it. Sorry you don't need me to tell you that.........any chance of a rest tomorrow if dad can look after his children.

Your children do need you. Sorry I've just read your post upthread and you say you need to work as it gives meaning to your life, but you need to rest too.