I don't want to have to ask to be supported again but here we are....

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I have a nice catalogue of experiences of mh diagnosis and treatment, months in hospital etc etc. Last couple of years I have been doing very well and even supporting the recovery movement.

Its such a joke as I am a total mess. My baby twins do not sleep, I haven't slept in 9 months. I have a hundred thousand thoughts in my head all whirring around and I can't sleep even when they do. Im just going back to work and can't cope with it all. Im running 50 miles a week on very few calories. Im fairly sure my sons teacher hates me and is taking it out on him. I can feel it every time I see her. Cars are slowing down to look a me, its like people can see what is happening in my head. My husband keeps having to work in the evenings but I wonder if he is having an affair, my body is ruined from the twins I can see why he would need to.

Im so stressed and confused and exhausted. I just don't know what to do next. My psychiatrist is on holiday till November, not sure I have it in me to hold it together till then. I hate that I am supposed to be recovered and feel like Im on the edge.

My new job is working in mental health, it is a fantastic opportunity but is only a short contract so I am still working Saturdays at my old job. I cant risk getting to the end of my contract and having no work but id be a fool to turn this opportunity down, I could really make a future career and a big difference to mental health services. My cpn is senior and would inevitability have to work with me so we aren't going to see each other in a clinical sense anymore. I'm devastated, its been more than 10 years. Managed to get through the night but I feel awful today.

Look I feel bad saying this, but do you think you are going to cope with working in mental health when you are suffering so much yourself just now. Would it be possible to defer the job until you are more on an even keel?

I don't have any clinical contact in the job and this last two years have been the evenest keel I have ever found myself on. I don't know what to do.

How are you, howcan?

Just very quickly: I would see if you can see a dr/psychiatrist and try to get some kind of balance with your drugs which will not make you exhausted and unable to function.

I would try to sleep - ask your husband if he can give you a night without a break and just take a quetiapine and collapse for 12 hours, maybe ask for 2 nights...

I understand totally about keeping your distance in mental health terms from your husband - I am exactly the same. But perhaps make him aware that you require a break urgently.

These tiny children will one day sleep! You sound fabulous.