to be feeling this sorry for myself, bitter and suicidal. Spare grips needed

[verydownnow]

I have depression, on meds, having therapy (cbt, not helping). a lot of this was triggered by money worries, stressful job, huge move 200+ miles, legal issues, and, the biggie - I thought dp was cheating, he was and is marrying ow next year. (she was texting me anonymously) to say she was seeing him, he denied everything) I am dwelling on:

whether I will ever not have depression (I have had many episodes, often with suicidal impulses)

why we are all here/meaning of life (and keep thinking I want to do a Ouija board to contact someone who will help me and tell me I will see dm again - I know pathetic)

why she was better than me, he told me I was disorganised and messy, so that is part of it, she is younger and prettier too.

how the hell I am going to cope on the "big day".

I keep telling myself I AM being unreasonable, I have got lots going for me compared to many, I do believe in woo, but not Ouija boards, by the time of the wedding I may not care. I get the most support from here, I have name changed as I don't want to be outed but also posted on relationsips under this name and got some good advice (thank you RiceCrispieTreats) but I have woke today and I am wallowing. He told me I was messy, and I am sitting in a messy house feeling like a failure.

He was my first proper relationship for 18 years, since the father of my children dumped me while pregnant and kept our house.

please talk some sense into me. thank you.

Have some

depression is so bloody hard! I hate it and I hate how it makes you feel. CBT is good but not for everyone, i found it worked for anxiety not for my depression.
He is an arsehole, but you already know that. I wish i could take it away because I know how it feels, but I'll hold your hand until someone better comes along

First of all it feels like you are maybe the only one who feels this way but your not. Speaking from experience and having depression and anxiety myself I no how things can become very dark and very quick.

Will it ever get better? well life is never going to be plain sailing but they say when you are rock bottom the only way is up. Try a counsellor if you haven't already, I did that an I felt better.

I also went to see a medium and she told me a few things which made my future look brighter, some people believe and some don't but in my case I felt it was almost necessary.

You are not any less a person or a woman though because he left you, it just means there is someone out there who will love you for you and will treat you how you deserve, might not seem it now but I am sure there is.

Life is hard though , I self harmed , thought about suicide and have been in places I cannot even describe, but I built a supportive group around me and started speaking out. Never suffer in silence.

Thank you jean, I blame myself for a lot of it with him, he is my best friends brother, she is furious with him, but she told me to steer clear and I didn't listen. will take that hand holding, thanks, it helps.

Well, I'm not good at talking sense OP, but I'll give it a go.

1. Go back to your GP and tell them what you've said here. Maybe your meds need tweaking, maybe you need a different type of counselling, but talk to someone about it.

2. If you have an urgent number for your community mental health team (or whoever you're getting your CBT from) please call them if you need to, or the Samaritans.

OK, so that said:

You are allowed to wallow, but maybe set a time limit on it, give yourself a set time and then get up and do something nice (a walk, a bath, gardening, buy yourself something, whatever floats your boat)

You are allowed to be messy, my house is a shit tip.

'She' is not 'better' than you, she was complicit in his affair and is now with someone who has a history of cheating - what goes around comes around.

You've said yourself you have lots going for you, keeping reminding yourself of that. When that voice in your head is beating you down, tell it to fuck off because you're awesome (I have to do this fairly often).

hang in there.

Well....
She's marrying a man she will never be able to trust.
He's a dickhead you're better off without.
None of this is your fault.
Depression is such a horrible thing, I know how awful it can be when you're stuck in the pit of it.

Treat yourself today, do something selfish and indulgent because you deserve it. Yes, you do!
Have a and and a hug. I know we don't really do hugs on mn, but have one anyway.

thank you lou, it does feel like no-one else gets depression sometimes, and its so bloody hard to explain. I saw a medium when I first moved, very accurate, but I saw another - looking for answers I think, and it was just guesswork. I do have a belief. I have, on advice I got from here signed up for volunteer opportunities - I figure it might help to think about someone other than me, waiting to hear, but wonder if they will even want me the state I'm in. I can pull it together for short times though.

here is where I can say just how bad I feel. it does help.

Raptor - you are talking sense, I wont waste the whole day just sitting thinking -worrying- about everything. I think I do need different therapy, my therapist is lovely, but I think she feels out of her depth with the suicidal feelings. last session she stopped and said I couldn't keep myself safe, but I certainly don't WANT to feel like that I am fighting it. I will have a bath and do some crafts.

Cigars - yes he really is a dickhead, no doubt, and I know that. but he can be very kind, although he does try to "save" women, and as helpless as I am in some ways, I am independent in others. I will take the hug, thank you.

I think he loves a new relationship, and the novelty and excitement, when the newness wears off he needs some other excitement (like cheating). My dd also thinks hes an alcoholic.

thank you for your replies, I am a slow typist but I am here an benefitting from the wisdom of mn x

I can't help on most of the things you're struggling with, except to say I struggle similarly, but perhaps not to the same extent, and you're not alone

But just because it seems to be something you worry about as you mention it a couple of times, I thought I would recommend a great book. The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo. For me I know that the state of my immediate environment and how I feel in my mind are very closely linked, so if you would like to feel happier about the state your house is in, and maybe also happier in general, I highly recommend this book. It's a very unusual approach and what's most amazing about it is that pretty much everyone who follows the method reports great shifts in perception and subsequently general quality of life.

If you want something to distract you it might also be a productive thing to channel your energies into.

Wishing you all the best as you heal. It's not easy to get over heartbreak.

and

A messy house never makes you feel good though, does it? Have you tried FlyLady? It's a great system and is brilliant for people with depression.

www.flylady.net

What crafts do you do? (going off on a tangent a little) I've started crochet recently to help with anxiety (I dwell on stuff too, it just goes round and round in my head sometimes). I'm finding it so hard that I literally cannot thing of anything else when I do it (which means it works pretty well, I'm certainly not someone who can watch telly at the same time).

thank you Holger and Princess - yes it needs to be tidy really, as it is worrying me. I do it in fits and starts, rather than just getting it done and sitting down and enjoying the environment. Will get that book on amazon and will use that link.

Heartbreak is a b*stard. I was ok on my own for years, but then I met him, and now I am alone again and miss him like mad, although I know I am building up a romanticized image of him.

have lit a wax melt thing and got a tea. feeling less like my thoughts are scrambled

thank you x

A small bit of practical advise, re your question about how you will cope on the big day.

Well it may be their big day, but it certainly isn't your's so why not stop calling it that, thinking g about it like that and worrying about it the nearer it comes. Hopefully you don't know the exact date, so don't try to find out when it is. If you know the date , if possible arrange something different on that day to be elsewhere in your mind, at least. If money's an issue, just take yourself off with a friend to do something you can both enjoy that is different and enjoyable.

It is awful feeling depressed. If you can get some RL support at key points then it will at least make you feel empowered and in control. Try it and see!

For those in crisis I recommend

1. Talk to gp
2. Samaritans
3. Nhs 111 helpline have psychiatric nurses working in some pilot areas to triage those in crisis to other services if necessary
4. a&e there are psychiatric liaison teams or RAID teams who can assess if you need a crisis team/home treatment or admission- informal or section

Candle light is lovely!

Raptor - I do a bit of everything BUT I cant crochet or knit although both dds can! I have been making tealight holders, baubles with sequins and plastic pins and also canvases. I need sell some stuff really, as its just stuck in a cupboard. will find a craft fair. I wish I could crochet as it looks so pretty. my mum could crochet beautifully. think crafting is so calming

Have another hand to hold from me. Suicide is not the way out neither do you 'need to get a grip.' You've been dealt some very tough blows in life and need some time to recover and regroup. You are not being unreasonable and I would encourage you to keep posting until you are sick of it. How are you holding up this afternoon?

daisy - I do know the date unfortunately, but I also had the idea of going away or something. my dds (who are both adults) want to go to eurodisney, I have promised for years, and wondered about doing that. if not I will do something pleasant which does not involve drink.

wheretheres - yes, good advice, my gp practice are lovely, I have rung the Samaritans a couple of times. I used to have cp nurses come to see me, but not since I moved. I live in fear of being sectioned as I know I would never be able to return to my profession. but I think it really is a very last resort.

thank you InTheBox. its just so few people irl understand depression. and ask things like "well what will that achieve, except upsetting everyone?" that just makes me feel more pathetic and selfish. I think loneliness is not helping. I always make sure I get out and about and talk with neighbours. been going to the local church with neighbours - not a cult! they have events, cake sales and stuff, they are kind people.

the cbt therapist keeps saying I am doing lots to help myself, exercise, going out, self care, seeking help, but I still have times of feeling really sH*t.

its good to know some people do understand depression.

It DOES help to keep posting, although I probably sound all over the place.

You don't need a grip, OP. You need help and support and to recognise you've been having an objectively tough time by any standards. It is no wonder you feel fragile and beaten down.

What everyone else said, but don't fall back on ouija boards or 'psychics' - they're an obvious resort when you feel in need of reassurance, but ouija boards only move by ideomotor effect and psychics are con artists or deluded. Anything they 'tell' you will be nonsense, or some correct guesses amid the nonsense, but you're vulnerable and might well believe what you're told, good or bad. There's a thread on MN at the moment full of people whose deaths were predicted by 'psychics'.

And your language is important. Your ex's wedding day is not 'the big day', it's a day when two traitorous, dishonest people you are fortunate to have out of your life are getting hitched. Misery is perfectly possibly in store for the, but it's not your concern. Concentrate on yourself. A big treat is an excellent idea. Good luck.

Big hug to you
Yes it's horrible for you but you deserve a better future and the way to get that will involve some changes.

hope you get the support you need
Good luck

thank you limosa and prada. Limosa I don't even believe in Ouija boards. As I say I am quite woo, but everyone I know who has done Ouija has either had nothing happen, or have been frightened/upset by it. its just so tempting when I am sitting here to do it an hope for anwers, although I would only want the answers I want, ifyswim.

I am quite amazed at the support, thank you, I honestly feel like I have been making too much of my problems (haven't even gone into everything here), but maybe I am being a bit hard on myself. I will try to be kinder.

thanks for your support, advice, hugs, tea - its all helping

thank you limosa and prada. Limosa I don't even believe in Ouija boards. As I say I am quite woo, but everyone I know who has done Ouija has either had nothing happen, or have been frightened/upset by it. its just so tempting when I am sitting here to do it an hope for anwers, although I would only want the answers I want, ifyswim.

I am quite amazed at the support, thank you, I honestly feel like I have been making too much of my problems (haven't even gone into everything here), but maybe I am being a bit hard on myself. I will try to be kinder.

thanks for your support, advice, hugs, tea - its all helping

twice! I don't know how that happened x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Wishing you all the very best OP .

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Thank you Emmanuelle x