Thanks Rino.
It's ok, I understand the borderline thing. Oh yes, and once I can think about it without being furious or despairing I've a book to write.
However... within that - I guess I want to know why me? I've known/seen people present as I do/did and get labelled 'depression' or other things and offered support. What the hell made them look at me and say "borderline"? I didn't present repeatedly to A&E with severe self-harm - I went to the GP asking for help. I was very clear about how/when my problems started and the triggers, and asked for counselling to deal with it all.
Aside from that, it's interaction with people/friends that I'm struggling with. For a start, some people think any sign of me being mentally not ok is me being a bad person. I'm viewed as attention seeking, bad, and if anyone understands, they in turn are viewed as having been manipulated by me! Normal people, not professionals!
There is also a complex element that is so hard to explain, I have rambled it badly! Put it this way - imagine a scenario with a typical caricatured submissive 1950's housewife, and her husband. He might be a 'nice husband' evidenced by not beating her, being a 'good dad' and taking his children to the park every Saturday, buying her bunches of flowers, complimenting the dinner she has cooked, 'letting her' have a sit down and making her a cuppa when she is heavily pregnant etc... but the whole thing is utterly underscored by inequality! When it comes to the crunch she has to say "Yes dear" and submit to his will, agree with him etc. He is 'kind' to her but in a sort of... patronising way. It could be incredibly subtle - he could appear to be a radical feminist compared to their male friends, but still underneath it all there is an expectation that she will submit, and if she doesn't she will be subtly shamed (or something) until she steps back in line.
...I feel like this. With most people. It's very subtle, much more so than the housewife example. But I feel like I am expected to accept and conform to others' version of reality. I am accepted but only if I play the role I have been allocated. People might be kind but ultimately in a way where they expect me to conform to their views of me, the situation, and reality as a whole.