AIBU to think I have just about the worst family possible and it is never going to change?

[Dunkling]

1st thread, please be gentle. So as not to drip feed, history...

Mum left when I was 2 not to be seen until I was 13, no relationship, doesn't feel like my mum due to time, I'm ok with that. Dad remarried and stepmum chucked me and brother out when I was 3 brother 4. Dad took us to live with his parents, saw him alternate weekends. At 13 I asked him if we could come back, I longed for that raditional nuclear family.... it lasted about 10 months when out out of the blue I was once again chucked out. Dad dumped me, bags in the street outside my mums house. I hotfooted it onto the nearest bus not knowing her (and I was embarrassed) and dad put me into care. I took an overdose. Stepmum and dad came to my hospital bed, said they were only there as they were visiting someone else, and that I was wasting the nurses time. They stayed 5 minutes.

During my adult life I have tried and tried to have him in my life, longing for that normal family, but I feel it all comes from me. I barely see him. He moved abroad eventually. I have suffered from bad depression and anxiety for over 10 years due the the worthlessness my upbringing caused. He knows this. Saw him recently at his 3rd wedding, great lady. Turns out he has moved back home about a year ago, didn't bother to tell me, tell me address, nothing. This is usual for him.

This act brought it all home again as I had been longing to beg him to move back so I could have some support and build bridges and here he was all along. Playing happy families with new wifes kids and grandkids. Dinner most nights, cooking for all, days out, babysitting. Great family.... but he has seen my children approx. 10 times in 20 years. And been to see us zero times since he moved back.

I emailed yesterday, to tell him how bad I feel, to explain that I am suicidal (was referred to crisis team last week) and that at the train station visiting I weighed up how painless the front of the train would be, how many pills I need, that I think about stepping out in front of a car. Can we build bridges, can he be around, can I have help? "I'm asking for help".

He just emailed back. 2 sentences. He is busy packing for a delayed honeymoon trip, 2 days in london. but he will email me when he gets back. The trip takes them past my house. They live 2 hours away.

So sorry you are going through this OP, I thought my childhood was bad, christ! Both your father and mother don??t deserve children.

You don??t say much about what??s happening in your life now, did I read that you have children of your own? What is your set up like now? How old are you?

I understand you probably have had counselling etc but I urge you to get more. Get any help that is available to you??.but not from your so called Dad. He can??t help you, he doesn??t care, he??s only your father in name by the sound of it. You are clinging onto this notion of a happy nuclear family that just isn??t real or viable. You are smarting from the injustice of it all, that is completely understandable but you don??t need to take your own life because of it.

The best thing you can do would be to go completely NC with your father, and any other members of your family that have treated you appallingly, either that or keep and think of them as just casual acquaintances you only see once in a while. After you??ve done that, try and get on with your life as much as you can, it will never stop hurting but that doesn??t and shouldn??t stop you from trying to live the best life you can and gain some sort of happiness.

Big hugs, I hope someone on here can give you some better, more practical advice.

Sorry, typed the above in word and it's come out weird!

Oh honey, you have had a really rough time. I to have had a shitty childhood. You have not deserved any of it. You were an innocent child who was let down by the adults around you. No child should have to go through that. You must be in a lot of pain. My suggestion would be to stop trying with your father. He doesn't sound like he deserves any of your time or love. I had to make a new life and new family for myself. If you haven't had counselling, you should get some, even if you had in the past maybe try again with someone new. If you think it would help, you could try a good church if you are that way inclined. You will get loved on and it sounds like that is what you need, love.

Dunkling, I just wanted to come on to give you a virtual hug. I am in a very similar position. My dad has been married five times, each time he has prioritised the new wife, her family and friends. It is hurtful to know that I'm unimportant to him and irrelevant in his life.

Some of the wives have been jealous of me and make unkind comments about me/my family to my dad and he repeats them to me. He doesn't see the comments as unkind and presents them as helpful ideas. I know they aren't his as he never repeats things once a wife has changed.

A year ago I decided to go NC. It was the best decision on my life. The truth is, he isn't a good dad, he doesn't care about me or my family and I definitely don't need him.

My DH is the best man I've ever met. He views my dad as a joke. My DH's view has helped me to view my dad through comedy glasses rather than taking the situation personally or caring.

I always say, Disney films are filled with step families - weak father's and Wicked step-mothers. IME some mem are generally quite weak (and emotionally detached) and step-mothers generally don't love their husbands DC. Not all though - I had one amazing step-mother, but sadly she died.

Op, focus on your life, your DC and your future together. I can't change my dad but I can create a fabulous family for my DC, I suggest you do the same.

Dunkling, please please ask someone who can actually help you if you are feeling suicidal! Ring the Samaritans

Your father has demonstrated all your life that he is not going to support or help you. I know it is very hard but you must accept that he is not the person to get you out of the mess he created!

Why not make that email the last contact you ever have with him? He simply doesn't deserve to have you in his life! Honestly he doesn't.

emailed yesterday, to tell him how bad I feel, to explain that I am suicidal (was referred to crisis team last week) and that at the train station visiting I weighed up how painless the front of the train would be, how many pills I need, that I think about stepping out in front of a car. Can we build bridges, can he be around, can I have help? "I'm asking for help".

He can't help you - he is a large part of the problem. You need to look elsewhere for some real support, some proper input into your life and some intervention from people who understand what you need. He doesn't deserve the importance you place on his role in your life, and you deserve better than someone who can't put themselves out for you. It must be incredibly hurtful to keep finding yourself in the position of asking him to be a part of your life and him failing to even manage the basics, so focus on yourself, not him, and give yourself a chance to come to terms with the realities of your relationship rather than what you wish it could be.

for you - it sounds like you have a lot of love to give, so don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Agreed, he can't help you. Maybe there is peace to be found in not chasing after something that doesn't exist?

Jesus wept, that's horrendous.

YANBU at all I am very sorry to say. I don't think it is going to change and that must hurt immeasurably. Your "parents" are a total waste of space.

I don't understand why you would effectively abandon your own children by committing suicide though when you know how tough your life has been? You have your own beautiful family who love you very much and would be lost without you.

I think you should ask for this post to be moved to Relationships as there are people infinitely more skilled than me [and less blunt] to advise you who frequent the board.

TreadSoftly - the problem with feeling suicidal is that it is a product of disordered thinking - the person literally cannot see the effect their death would have on those around them. Indeed, the disordered thoughts may be telling them that these people would be better off without them. You really aren't thinking clearly or logically. I know, I have been there more times than I can count.

Dunkling - I cannot understand how your parents could, and still can, be so cold and distant, but I really can sympathise with you wanting, and yearning for, the proper family that you never had. Hard as it will sound, I suspect that your parents will never give you what you want, and you will only get hurt more if you open yourself up to them, in hopes of getting a relationship, because they aren't the parents you want or that you deserve.

Can I ask you about the other relationships in your life? You have children - what is your relationship like with their father? Is he supportive and loving towards you? Do you have friends in real life who you can depend on, and who depend on you? I would say that the people who love you and care for you, and who you care for and love, are your family.

Maybe you need to grieve for the family life you never had, for the parents you never had, but then close the door on that part of your life, and concentrate on the good parts.

{{{hugs}}}

It's hard to know exactly what to say because what has happened to you has been truly horrendous and obviously you are now paying the price of other people's behaviour with your mental health.

I think you need to tell yourself that everything that happened to you was their fault and not yours. You should be proud of yourself that you have survived this. Your dad is never going to change. he is a horrible, selfish man and sadly he has married women (your mother and previous step-mother) who were the same. You are different. You know their behaviour was wrong. This makes you a better person than them. They will never change but you can change your reaction to them. Never expect anything from them because they will never give you what you need and what you deserve because they are horrible, inadequate people. You on the other hand are awesome because despite being treated this way, you would never do this to your children. Stop giving them headspace that they don't deserve and start healing yourself and enjoying your life.

Your parents(and that first step mother) may have personality disorders. I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but if you do some research into why they behave as they do, you will learn that none of it is your fault and that your dad simply isn't capable of giving you the support you deserve. Not that this minimises their behaviour in anyway, but it may help you to push aside the feelings of worthlessness that have stemmed from you being utterly failed by your parents and step mother. Focus on your own lovely children, and draw strength from them. Going NC with your dad may be extremely empowering. Wishing you all the best.

Dunkling do you have a family of your own?

Dunkling - I am so sorry

You received NO appropriate parenting as a child.

You will not receive ANY appropriate parenting (or even kindly interest) from your 'dad' or 'mum' now.
They can't or won't do it.
Don't waste your energy wondering why but know it is NOT YOU.x
They are profoundly damaged people and have consequently damaged you.
They have damaged your self esteem (how could it be otherwise?) but you are NOT LIKE THEM - be proud of this.
DONT look to them for 'help' - it isn't there.
It SHOULD be, but it really isn't.

What RL support can you muster?

Call Samaritans. They are patchy but if you don't 'click' with the person you speak to, call again.
Go to your GP - ask for Counselling.

Can you tell us about YOUR children?
How many do you have?
What are they like?
Think about how much better you have done for them than your so-called parents did for you. Be Proud! They NEED you.x

You poor thing, I really feel for you. Sadly, people have patterns of behaviour (an MO if you like) and rarely change. Your father is never going to offer you what you need, his pattern is not wanting to know. I know its hard because i had exactly same with my mother. It is so, so hard, but honestly, once you realise that they wont change, you do feel marginally better because hoping and trying and constantly being rejected just perpetuates your depression. I went NC 15yrs back and its been best thing i ever did.

I would honestly go NC and concentrate on finding support elsewhere. How supportive is your GP? Do you have a family of your own now or not? Friends? Are there any local support groups for depression. MIND will give 6 free counselling sessions if you contact them, GP referrals to NHS can mean a long wait.

Or, private counselling, but not the talky, talky kind, the kind with CBT approach helped me. Rather than just talking over and over about the past, it concentrates on changing how you feel about things and active coping strategies for the emotional probs you have been left with. I found rehashing my childhood not that productive, what i needed were strategies for the raging emotional probs it left me with in the present day. If you can afford it, buy CBT for Dummies on Amazon. It gives you in every day language all the very, very simple tools to change automatic negative thoughts about worthlessness, failure, rejection , fear of not being loveable etc which were the basis of my depression. Best of luck.

I have a copy of CBT for Dummies that I am happy to send to you, Dunkling, if it would help.

It's horrible and so sad that this was your childhood but you know, it doesn't have to define you in adulthood.
You say in your title that " it's never going to change" and you are right it's not. None of this is your fault and none of this is within your power to change.
Sadly your father is never going to be there for you, doesn't sound like he ever has so you are going to need to try and find a way to accept that and live your life without expecting him to help, because he won't.
Stop mourning something that never existed In the first place and look forward to see what your life could be like in the future rather than how it was in the past,maybe professional help would be a good idea if it's possible?
If you can manage to get to a place where you assume your dad isn't going to be there for you then if he ever does it can be a nice surprise rather than you hope/expect it and then get upset when it doesn't happen.

I can identify to some extent.

My 'mother' abandoned me age 4. Just moved away 1 weekend whilst I was at my nans. I stayed there with her and my step grandad. When I was 10 I went to live with my dad and his DP and their children because I craved that normal family. I'd grown up having g to explain why I lived with my nan whilst every friend I'd ever had lived with their mum, dad and siblings. My dad and his DP split when I was 13 and he came and broke the door in one night to get me and take me back to my nans. Only she was in hospital so I had to go and stay with my aunt and miss school, because my aunt lived too far from school for me to go. I only found out a few years ago my dad went to the hospital and told my nan she had to take me back (which she was fine with and never wanted me to leave in the first place but it wasn't great time for him to do that).

I have still always craved that close family, exactly how you describe. I had extensive counselling last year to try and deal with the rejection.

OP, honestly, stop bothering with you dad. He is an utter waste of space and does not deserve you. You are worth so much more. Cut your losses. Build a new life for yourself. Do you have a partner? I have found now I am married with DCs, that this is my family. Luckily I still have my lovely nan and step grandad but they are getting older. I have half siblings but they are very hit and miss with contact. They don't tend to bother with me as much as they bother with each other.

I'm trying to remember things that my counsellor said about its not you, it's them and their behaviour and you can't change that but you can change how you react to it. This is your dad's problem. Not yours.

I hope you can see someone soon. I know how you feel. You think if you can just get him in your life you can have this family that you have been dreaming of. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen because he is a shit who doesn't care. Don't let him hold that sort of power over you. I still see my dad, occasionally. He sees more of his girlfriend in Bali though, despite living in the same city as me. I used to message him asking when was he going to come and see us. I've stopped bothering. I see him when he turns up. He came on each DCs birthday at the beginning of the year then nothing until a few weeks ago. I've stopped asking him. He knows where I am.

TBH, no, you don't, because going on what you've said then yes, there are many people out there who had it worse than you do with their parents - and maybe they don't say it because it's too much to tell (do you think Fred West's children tell many people who they are and what happened to them?) My childhood was horrific.

But that's not the issue - it's not a competition. I don't think it's healthy for you to think of it that way. And I know people with nice families and OK childhoods (And I'm certain about them being OK) who are still messed up because their biology works that way.

Focus on what you are living with now. You are not your parents and you are not the sum of your negative experiences. You are you, alive and getting on with things. You're not dead yet - you can change things. That's what counts.

The world is a big bright place full of helpful people most of the time. It really is. It's just that, like when you mix colours on a pallet, the darkness overwhelms the light.

Scifisam Where did OP imply or say its a competition, where did anyone? : Its not as competition, I don't think its healthy for you to think of it that way.

Also: I know people with nice families and OK childhoods (And I'm certain about them being OK) who are still messed up because their biology works that way.

My family looked 'nice', in fact was often described as 'perfect' by my friends, neighbours, relatives. They had NO idea of the systematic emotional abuse rampant behind closed doors. My mother was many things, but not daft, she played the adoring mother to the hilt publicly.

Also, 'messed up' is a very negative way to describe people whose emotional problems are not down to terrible childhoods but can be genetic/hereditary (Bi Polar, Schizophrenia etc). Unhelpful Scifisam . Very, very unhelpful.

I've also got CBT for Dummies & another CBT easy to read book my counsellor recommended that I'm happy to send to you Dunkling. It would help you see first if it would work for you counselling wise.

Don't bother with him. You'd be much happier without him.
Also, I don't know how you feel, but maybe when you next feel like jumping in front of the train, try to think about your children. What it would do to them. Maybe realising that you don't want them to have as bad life as yours would help to keep those thoughts at bay?
I really have no idea though, what it's like - to feel suicidal. Sorry, if I have said something wrong, definitely don't mean it bad.

Sazzle41, the competition element was in the title. The competition thing often comes up, sometimes in the sense of "other people have it worse, therefore I shouldn't complain." There's just no point in comparing things in that way.

I also said that I was certain about the people I mentioned not having problems due to their childhoods/family situations. They don't even claim they're the source of their problems and they are very open and would say that they were due to their childhood (without necessarily providing details) if they were. I know that sometimes families have hidden problems - indeed, it's often the case - but I did make it clear that I wasn't talking about that.

Mental health concerns and the like are not solely the result of childhood trauma, and you agree with that, so I'm not sure why you're arguing with me there.

"Messed up" was intended as just a general term as a catch-all; if your problems are genetic, you're still messed up. However, I take your point that I could have used a better term.

Ah Dunkling I've also popped on to give you a virtual hug. Like many of the posters up thread I'll also tell you that as hard as it is you have to realise that your father will never step up to the mark and be there for you, you need to find that support and comfort elsewhere - be it from your children, partner, siblings or grandparents.

I know how very hard it is as I battle with these feelings myself on a daily basis. I've had to go NC with my own father. I had a difficult upbringing due to an alcoholic, unstable mother and my father was her total enabler so he's never really been there for me. He never showed any interest in my children using the excuse that he was always too busy dealing with my mother. My mother passed away late last year so I hoped we could get a bit closer.

Unfortunately he met another woman within weeks of her passing - this woman felt threatened by me I think so started to drip poison into my dads ear and encouraged him to stop talking to me over supposed things I'd said that she'd become offended over. (He repeated private conversations between me and him regarding finances, his house etc).

He did detach himself from me, refusing to answer calls and when I called him out over it blew up and said that this woman's feelings were to come first and if I didn't like it then he wanted no more to do with me. He's not been in touch since April and whenever I did try to speak to him he's not interested.

He's not seen or spoken to his own grandchildren in all this time yet plays happy families with her children and grandchildren. It so incredible painful but I have to stay strong and stay NC. Its the only way. I just hope that one day he realises what he's done - maybe your dad will one day too.

I didnt read OP's worst family comment as being to do with competition Scifisam , its just a phrase , so I don't get why you interpreted it that way.

I am saying that often you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and often its not until therapy that people realise actually it was a family riven with emotional abuse - and those who have suffered it often develop Stockholm Syndrome , defend their abuser , deny the abuse as a survival strategy. After all, its hard to admit the people who should love you unconditionally actually abused you emotionally and had their own agenda to keep you exactly where they wanted you: down.