1st thread, please be gentle. So as not to drip feed, history...
Mum left when I was 2 not to be seen until I was 13, no relationship, doesn't feel like my mum due to time, I'm ok with that. Dad remarried and stepmum chucked me and brother out when I was 3 brother 4. Dad took us to live with his parents, saw him alternate weekends. At 13 I asked him if we could come back, I longed for that raditional nuclear family.... it lasted about 10 months when out out of the blue I was once again chucked out. Dad dumped me, bags in the street outside my mums house. I hotfooted it onto the nearest bus not knowing her (and I was embarrassed) and dad put me into care. I took an overdose. Stepmum and dad came to my hospital bed, said they were only there as they were visiting someone else, and that I was wasting the nurses time. They stayed 5 minutes.
During my adult life I have tried and tried to have him in my life, longing for that normal family, but I feel it all comes from me. I barely see him. He moved abroad eventually. I have suffered from bad depression and anxiety for over 10 years due the the worthlessness my upbringing caused. He knows this. Saw him recently at his 3rd wedding, great lady. Turns out he has moved back home about a year ago, didn't bother to tell me, tell me address, nothing. This is usual for him.
This act brought it all home again as I had been longing to beg him to move back so I could have some support and build bridges and here he was all along. Playing happy families with new wifes kids and grandkids. Dinner most nights, cooking for all, days out, babysitting. Great family.... but he has seen my children approx. 10 times in 20 years. And been to see us zero times since he moved back.
I emailed yesterday, to tell him how bad I feel, to explain that I am suicidal (was referred to crisis team last week) and that at the train station visiting I weighed up how painless the front of the train would be, how many pills I need, that I think about stepping out in front of a car. Can we build bridges, can he be around, can I have help? "I'm asking for help".
He just emailed back. 2 sentences. He is busy packing for a delayed honeymoon trip, 2 days in london. but he will email me when he gets back. The trip takes them past my house. They live 2 hours away.