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Original poster

Extreme guilt over a suicide

41 replies

Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:22

I am married (together 11years). 2 small children (2&4).
Same old tired story...found myself in a situation where it was obvious that a very good-looking, intelligent, single male colleague found me attractive. Through many issues me and H not had sex in almost 3 years. I actively decided that I would sleep with him. That was 8 weeks ago. All kept very discreet. Never intended to leave my H. Just a very enjoyable, passionate 'affair', I completely compartmentalised it, felt very little guilt. Even kidded myself it could save my marriage.

Judge me as harshly as you like.

Last week me and my 'lover' had a particularly heated, sensitive argument. I told him we were over (heat of argument stuff). He killed himself that night.

I cannot actually cope. I am failing my children as I can't parent them properly through my anguish, guilt, grief etc

H knows I was close to a colleague, we had argued about a work issue and he took his life. He is being supportive and kind to me.

My head is completely fucked. I have seen GP, signed off work for a bit. I am waiting for a counsellor to call me back.

I have heard a million times that I am not to blame, it was his choice etc. but the words do not change the facts in my mind..if we had not fallen out so spectacularly then he would not have taken his life that night. He was a man on the edge (for whatever reason) and I pushed him off. Learning to live with the guilt of everything that I have done and ruined is a feat I can't seem to face.

I don't know why I've even posted all that as I am sure everyone will think this is no less than a cheating wife deserves. I just don't know what else to do

OP posts:
Duggee · 31/08/2015 19:24

Yikes. I don't really know what to say. But if you want to talk about it, I'll listen.

Flowers
fastdaytears · 31/08/2015 19:25

This is absolutely not what you deserve. I understand why you are feeling responsible but it's absolutely not true.
You need some support urgently, and to be kinder to yourself. Looking after yourself is ultimately in the interests of your H and DC. Is support being arranged by your employer?

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:28

I have contacted number from my employer and waiting for my face to face contact

The woman I spoke to in the phone was nice enough but saying things like "wow" repeatedly and "that's terrible" etc just didn't help me and I just ended up worse

If it wasn't for my children I would have ended my life by now. I just can't see a way through

My friends are supportive and wonderful and when in their company I can be just about ok but that's not real life

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Todayisnottheday · 31/08/2015 19:31

You need to get support for yourself. Go to your gp and tell them the whole story. Get all the help you can. Do not try to cope alone as some kind of self punishment.

You made a poor decision. This is not a reasonable outcome for you. You are not responsible for his suicide and that is not some form of punishment you can take on yourself.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:31

I feel like I am actually losing my mind. Great parts of my head feel like they are shutting down and I can't think or act in a normal way
It is taking every single ounce of everything to just keep it together in front of the children
My 4 year old has been up crying in the night as he knows something is wrong with mummy

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Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:33

I have told the GP everything (although that was last week and I am worse now) he said "oh shit"
I have an appointment to see him again in a couple of weeks but think maybe I need to see him sooner
I just don't know

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fastdaytears · 31/08/2015 19:35

I guess a lot of people are going to be shocked because it is a really extreme and tragic story. So "oh shit" is probably fair enough. Definitely go back and sooner if you can.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:36

It wasn't a criticism of the GP - I actually appreciated the candour

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UnbelievableBollocks · 31/08/2015 19:36

You're not responsible for his death.

He made the choice to sleep with you. He made the choice to kill himself. Those are choices he made.

He was obviously a troubled individual. If he was that close to suicide then it's unlikely that your argument was the sole and only reason he took his own life. No one is so powerful that they can cause someone to kill themselves after an argument where there was no previous thought or intent by the person who did the act.

I know you won't accept this as you're bound up in your own guilt and have your own story written in your head about how you are solely to blame. Counselling will help you get through that.

Until then, feeling awful is natural, but you are NOT responsible for his death. He is.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:38

I am not arrogant enough to think I am solely responsible - I know there must have been loads more going on. But what I can't escape is that the argument was the tipping point. I can't explain what the argument was about but I can see why he felt very bleak about it
He sent me some texts which now I can see were him saying goodbye and I ignored them as I was 'making him sweat' a bit more about pissing me off

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coveredinsnot · 31/08/2015 19:42

You probably will feel all over the place for a while. I get that you feel guilty but this is absolutely NOT your fault. You will start to understand that in time. What he has done is incredibly sad but also incredibly punishing to you. You had no way of knowing this would happen so you must not blame yourself. Get all the help you possibly can and in the mean time, know that each moment that passes will be a step in the right direction. It might feel like one foot in front of the other right now and that is OK. Allow yourself to grieve and process what has happened and don't push the intensity away. Take time to cry, shout, scream and then be gentle with yourself. Run a bath. Breathe deeply and slowly.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:43

Thank you for the kind words
As is the case in RL, I feel completely undeserving of it

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fastdaytears · 31/08/2015 19:44

You are not undeserving. Really, really not.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:50

I am so confused by my emotions over this

I feel no anger towards him at all. I feel very sad for him. I feel selfish for claiming any feelings about this as his family are entitled to that grief, not me.

And I don't regret our affair at all. I loved every minute. And I don't regret challenging him about what we argued about. I don't think 'what if' at all, I just cannot fucking believe he killed himself and is now gone.

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purplepandas · 31/08/2015 19:50

I am sorry op. This is not your fault. I agree re going back to the GP or talking to a counsellor. No judgement here.

coveredinsnot · 31/08/2015 19:54

Suicide is just impossible to comprehend. Your mind will keep spinning for quite some time. An ex of mine killed himself may years ago and I still can't quite believe it.

Nonnainglese · 31/08/2015 19:55

Definitely NOT undeserving, and snot is absolutely right, no way can it be your fault. Sadly suicide always punishes others left behind, trying to make sense out of a dreadful, senseless situation.

I very much doubt the argument was a tipping point, he'd probably planned it for some time, ime.

Please seek medical support, and take any help that's offered. You will get through it, one step at a time.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2015 19:55

You made a choice that had unintended consequences. You are not responsible for another person's decisions. Even if the argument was the 'tipping point', please realize that if you hadn't argued, something else would have tipped him over the edge.

My concern is that your (understandable) level of upset may lead your DH to question if there was something more going on. I don't think you want that.

I'm usually pretty harsh when it comes to people posting about their infidelity. But OP, no one deserves to go through what you are going through. You've 'punished' yourself enough.

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 19:57

My H is far too decent and thinks far too highly of me to question if I'd been unfaithful which makes all the fucking worse doesn't it

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alltheworld · 31/08/2015 20:01

SOBS is an organisation which supports those bereaved by suicide. Perhaps they might be able to help in some way. I have recently been bereaved on a fairly usual way and have been overwhelmed by the amount of guilt I feel. It seems to be a common feature of bereavement no doubt more so in cases of suicide.

Duggee · 31/08/2015 20:27

I imagine your emotions are all over the place at the moment. Have you got anyone to confide in?

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 22:09

Yes, I have some friends I can talk to. I am borderline ok in their company and their children entertain mine which makes it easier - but that's obviously just for a small portion of the day

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Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/08/2015 22:11

And, I'm not being self-pitying when I say I just feel completely undeserving of their kindness and sympathy. Even though the rational part of my mind knows I would do exactly the same for them, without question

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coveredinsnot · 01/09/2015 07:39

At least you know the feeling underseving is not a legitimate feeling - you can override it and act opposite to it, which you absolutely must do.

Seeing people is vital right now. Yes it is only a small bit of the day but it will help.

How do you plan to look after yourself the rest of the time? It might help to have a bit of a plan. Are you doing all the basics?

Original poster
Icouldstillbejoseph · 01/09/2015 09:16

I can't think straight enough to make a plan. I am getting dressed and washing, not eating so much but that's ok.
I am hoping the counsellor calls soon or something

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