Extreme guilt over a suicide

[Icouldstillbejoseph]

I am married (together 11years). 2 small children (2&4).
Same old tired story...found myself in a situation where it was obvious that a very good-looking, intelligent, single male colleague found me attractive. Through many issues me and H not had sex in almost 3 years. I actively decided that I would sleep with him. That was 8 weeks ago. All kept very discreet. Never intended to leave my H. Just a very enjoyable, passionate 'affair', I completely compartmentalised it, felt very little guilt. Even kidded myself it could save my marriage.

Judge me as harshly as you like.

Last week me and my 'lover' had a particularly heated, sensitive argument. I told him we were over (heat of argument stuff). He killed himself that night.

I cannot actually cope. I am failing my children as I can't parent them properly through my anguish, guilt, grief etc

H knows I was close to a colleague, we had argued about a work issue and he took his life. He is being supportive and kind to me.

My head is completely fucked. I have seen GP, signed off work for a bit. I am waiting for a counsellor to call me back.

I have heard a million times that I am not to blame, it was his choice etc. but the words do not change the facts in my mind..if we had not fallen out so spectacularly then he would not have taken his life that night. He was a man on the edge (for whatever reason) and I pushed him off. Learning to live with the guilt of everything that I have done and ruined is a feat I can't seem to face.

I don't know why I've even posted all that as I am sure everyone will think this is no less than a cheating wife deserves. I just don't know what else to do

Op it is great that you recognise you aren't coping very well on your own and are reaching out for help. That is fantastic. You WILL get through this but it is early days and you are suffering from the trauma of shock first of all which is akin to a bomb going off, compounded by terrible feelings of guilt (bit like survivor guilt but obviously not the same) and that is an almighty burden to bear on your own and thank goodness you have unloaded to your gp, you might find the samaritans helpful also, and the bereavement counselors through churches and other organisations and of course MN.

Big hugs and please treat yourself kindly, and more importantly, allow others to treat yourself kindly. You are human, you are suffering terribly, a part of your life has changed irrevocably but you WILL come through it.

Allow yourself to grieve, allow all the feelings to wash all over you, and like the sea your emotions will ebb and flow. Most of all, recognise you are in the eye of a storm right now but it WILL get better, recognise triggers and recognise what small comforts you might get, may be from a walk in the park, cuddling animals, holding your children close..whatever it is, reach out.

When you are better able to cope it might be good for you to remember the good times, who knows, your lover sounded like a troubled soul, take comfort from the fact you have pleasant memories that will always be there and that you gave each other happiness. You are not and never can be responsible for a chemical imbalance in somebody else's brain.

Make sure you eat little amounts but often. Your emotions will be so much harder to manage if you're not eating properly. Are you expecting a call from a counsellor today?

It wasn't you - it could have been anything that tipped him over. He must have been deeply unhappy, and now he is at peace.

Suicides are always very hard - a work colleague killed herself last year and I was surprised how much it affected me, even though we weren't terribly close.

ICould are you able to afford to see a private therapist to avoid waiting? I can only imagine how much pain and confusion you must be in. Taking with friends only goes so far. You need professional help here to work though your emotions. Best wishes .

I'm a MH HCP and often feel like I shouldn't post on this board as some of my colleagues and the MH system in general is poorly - regarded (not inappropriately some of the time) but I had to respond to your post.

I have lost to suicide several people over twenty years. Not necessarily people I was a CPN for at the time but people I knew well and cared about. Some IMO died of misadventure - as in I don't really think they intended to die but in wanting people to recognise their pain - they did die.

There is not one person I can think of who took their own life because of one single event. It was always a 'perfect storm' of many events and the individuals MH at that time and external factors such as drug and alcohol use all played their part.

I don't want to minimise your involvement in this persons life or make you feel unimportant but you had a very brief affair and an argument. That's it. There must have been so many other factors involved to lead to suicide and I don't think you were a catalyst at all.

People who want to die because they are in a great deal of emotional pain often make that happen. An emotionally healthy and secure personality does not want to die because of an argument with a fling they had - there are many, many issues going on outside of that.

I've known suicidal people be 'saved' by a song they heard on the radio or someone giving them a kind word in the supermarket. They wanted a reason to live and they found it.

People who intended to complete suicide (and not a case of misadventure while drunk or drugged or anticipating and planning someone to intervene and that failing) have thought it through and feel like life is too painful for them to continue.

That doesn't happen as a result of a brief fling and a row. Take care OP.

I have counseling tomorrow at 5pm.
I appreciate all your comments so much.

I hope it helps you and you can find peace.

How did the counselling go today? And how are you?

Thank you. Today was a bad day. Ended up really feeling like I was losing my mind so have seen GP and got some anti-depressants to start.
Counselling seemed ok - a start I guess
Thank you for asking

Oh, sweetheart, please don't feel guilty. You did NOT cause this.

At times like this we are left bewildered because it's like we never really knew the person at all.....

He also made a decision to embark on an affair with a married colleague knowing all the complications that brings. He should have respected your marriage actually.

You said upthread you "pushed him over the edge". No, you didn't. He chose to jump.

I really hope your counsellor is worth her weight in gold.

I think the tips about the bereavement sites is good.

Antidepressants should help you but you do know they can take a good few weeks to kick in, I hope the gp warned you about this? And they can make you feel quote agitated in the mean time. So be prepared for that. I'm glad the counsellor seemed OK, better than seeming awful I guess! Are you paying to see someone privately? If so make sure you choose well and don't be afraid to switch until you find someone you click with. If NHS you should still be able to switch if you don't click so don't be afraid to ask. It seems like you're taking all the right steps at the moment. But I'm so sorry you've been struggling so much today. Remember to be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to feel anything less than bloody awful for a little while longer. But know it will improve. Deep breaths! And keep us up to date with how you are x

Thank you. I have had PND before so am familiar with anti-depressants and the side-effects etc. But considering I would do anything right now to feel a bit better then I need to try them.
The counsellor was ok - assertive enough as I didn't want someone to be too sympathetic and 'wet' with me. I guess I will just see how it pans out.
It is a counsellor arranged through a work scheme. I would have happily paid to see someone but it all seemed a bit unregulated and confusing to me when I looked. I have 5 more sessions through work so I guess I will re-evaluate then.

What Acrossthepond said: *You made a choice that had unintended consequences. You are not responsible for another person's decisions. Even if the argument was the 'tipping point', please realize that if you hadn't argued, something else would have tipped him over the edge.

My concern is that your (understandable) level of upset may lead your DH to question if there was something more going on. I don't think you want that.*

No judging here, but sympathy. Hope the counselling helps. Be good to yourself, and take each day as it comes. Time will help.

Yes I know I have to keep my grief to an acceptable/believable level and that is making it harder.
If I didn't have children I would feel like I deserve to lose my H but I can't risk destroying their happiness for the sake of their weak mother wanting a shitty ego boost
Yes, I know, I should've thought about that before...

I think counseling will help. But remember that with counseling, things often feel worse before they feel better. Part of counseling is dragging up all those feelings into the light of day to examine them, and thus make them lose their 'power' over you.

Honestly, I wouldn't tell my DH in your position. It was a one time lapse, one I am sure you are NOT going to repeat. I think it's made you value him a little more and appreciate what you have. Maybe once you have put this issue behind you, you and DH can work on whatever issues exist in your marriage that resulted in you making the decision to stray.

Thank you Acrossthepond - but it wasn't a one-off. I met him on 4 separate occasions and would definitely have carried on. But yes, I see your point. Hopefully something positive will eventually come out of this one day