Is there actually a point?

[littlegingercat]

I've posted here before. I know I'm a pain, so please, feel free to just ignore this.

I'm wondering if there is actually a point to anything. How existential, I know. I spend so much time just wanting to be dead, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is depression, or just a knowledge that my life is utterly pointless.

I despise myself. I am worthless (objectively so, I have no job, no children, nothing about me that makes me interesting or worthwhile).

I have severe anxiety; mostly manifesting in social anxiety and agoraphobia. I can't go outside on my own/use the phone/have conversations with people. I am fundamentally useless. My sole goal is to have a job and be a functioning member of society. This seems completely unobtainable as I am unemployable.

I have made so many suicide attempts, and I can't think of a reason not to make another. I just, don't have any hope left. I can envisage the rest of my life, and it is so utterly empty and pointless that I might as well give up now. What am I supposed to do when there is nothing positive in my future? Even if I made some miraculous recovery tomorrow, I would still be unemployable and defunct. I want to be dead but I'm scared of what might be on the other side.

I've usually managed to sleep by 6am. This time of night is so dark. I always stay awake late because it makes me feel safer but tonight, I just want the night to be over. It's nights like this that I wish I drank. Or that I had a TARDIS.

I used to believe if I died on my birthday that it would somehow 'reset' time, and I could go back to a time before this all started. I know that sounds so daft. But, it made sense, like it was a complete timeline in some way. I've made suicide attempts on my birthday for years.

I want everything to be over. If I could just not wake up, that would be super. I wish that the last 10 years had been a bad dream.

There are almost certainly quite a few other people reading this, feeling the same way, and not daring to post on Mumsnet at all.

I used to have a little ginger cat when I was a kid. I'm struggling to remember his name. It might have been as unoriginal as "Ginger".

I know exactly what you mean about re-setting time. If only.

I wish I had words of comfort but I in the place you are so I know how pointless it feels but you hang on and keep hanging on and some days it's not so hard. Some days are better.

If only resetting time was easy. I think of it all the time. I wish I could go back to before my life was ended for me.

I've never had a ginger cat. I made this username when my calendar had a picture of a cat on it. Cats are great. I couldn't look after one. It would be unlucky to have a caretaker like me.

Deshabille - This place is awful. I'm so sorry you're here too. I'd rather be here alone than inflict it on someone else. Be gentle with yourself.

I've SH'ed. Hasn't helped.

I feel I should say hello to you, Deshabille. I hope tomorrow will be better for all of us. Even in bloody mid-August.

Hi littlegingercat,

We're sorry to hear you're feeling so low. We just wanted to pop by with a link to some resources you might find helpful: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health.

Also, if you find the phone too much, you can always email [email protected] instead.

We do hope things somehow get easier for you soon.

MNHQ

Hi Ginger how are you?

I was thinking about what you said about CBT not seeming like it would work for you.

Dr David Burns, who wrote the first CBT book, is still developing new techniques to helped depressed people. I don't think he has published all these techniques yet, but one of them is in a later book here:-

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0091825628?keywords=10%20days%20to%20great%20self%20esteem&qid=1439906633&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

..ignore the title! There is a chapter on one of his newer techniques 'Acceptance Paradox'...which is alone worth buying the book for.

Instead of fighting your thoughts, you find some truth in them...I know that sounds weird!! You do not totally agree with the negative, self-critical thought, but are more accepting. But it is such a powerful technique, for me it works better and faster than the 'defending yourself' techniques. He kind of says that when you admit your vulnerabilities (which we all have as we are all humans with imperfections) , you no longer feel as vulnerable, then feel better....it is not the same as totally giving into your negative thoughts though, as that would be no change to your condition of being depressed of course!

I can't really explain it, but he does in the chapter.

Anyhow, I am probably not explaining very well, but the technique is great, seems good at shifting strong depression.