find my depressive mum a burden sometimes...

[anonymum2]

felt prompted to write this by the fear of losing parents thread as I feel v guilty about feeling opposite to that at times.

My father died 14 years ago which was horrible (1 week before I went to uni) - my mum has suffered from depression for years and has attempted suicide several times (when I was in my teens) - she always blamed her bad marriage for a lot of her problems so I naively thought in the long run she would be ok after dad died - but problems and debts mounted up and her general inability to cope became more obvious.

Finally she moved away from the town were dad had died and her life was at its lowest ebb and lived near my older sister and built up a bit of a life again, debt problems were still there but she had help from sis.

Now she has moved in with me as a temporary measure and is looking to move around here, I have discovered she is owed loads of back taxes which will clear her debt and leave her with money in the bank and she is spending loads of time with beloved grandkids - but she is still so low sometimes and so ungracious I could scream - depression seems to leave her very unaware of the effect her moods have on others - i.e. me.

I have been as patient and helpful as I can yet I don't feel she will ever be able to cope without lots of help and it is exhausting (I have a toddler and baby to look after as well and dh of course!!)

I look at my dh's parents both having suffered illhealth recently but their relentless energy and emotional and financial support to us has been amazing - I feel myself resenting dh sometimes because I have taken on a parental role with my mum which I don't always enjoy - then I feel a total bitch to think that and know I have so much to be grateful for as mum did so well bringing me and my brothers and sisters up ... it is very frustrating and lonely. There I said it - and I think anyone who has read this far deserves a medal!!! I have namechanged out of shame.

i am sure you are not the only one to have felt this way about your parents.

so bump

looks like I am the only one - but venting was theraputic.

I think SIL feels like this a bit as MIL has been depressed for some time. MIL getting more & more dependant. Must be very hard.

I don't think you should feel ashamed, you are in a difficult situation. I don't know if I can say anything useful but you are obviously doing your best and trying to help her. I think you would feel worse if you were not in a position to help her.

Thank you Liath

I do need to remember all the wonderful things about my mum and get perspective but its not easy sometimes

I have a friend in a similar situation. She is finding it very hard to. HAving to look after someone full time without a break and you have children too must be really hard.

Could your brothers/sisters invite her to stay for a couple of weeks and let you have a break for a bit?

Also my friend started looking at carer's forums to see if she could find people in similar situations who could give her advice and tips.

and thank you Saadia

I do feel really good about finding the money owed but it hasn't had the positve effect on ma i would expect i suppose i am looking for something she cannot give me.

oh god i feel like this right now. far too long to go into, but if my mother lived with me, bringing her foul moods and oh-so-put-upon attitude with her id no doubt be doing time for murder in a matter of weeks.

YOU deserve a medal for coping so well for so long.

i havae no advice coz i dont know what to do either. sorry bout that.

but chin up, girl. youre not alone.

I don't expect my younger siblings to provide accomm as they haven't the space but she is staying with an older sis at the wknd.

I deon't consider myself as a carer - as she is not someone you would look at and think she has a problem(that in itself is a problem) - but she is incapable of sorting out her finances or holding down a job - i.e. despite getting virtually the same two incomes each month for the last 14 years at the same time each month - she still cannot remember the amounts or when they come in.

if I wasn't breastfeeding ithink I would be drinking a lot of wine at the mo!

anonymum2 - I started the 'losing parents' thread. I'm sorry it made you feel bad. I am very aware that I'm extremely lucky in having parents that I don't want to lose!! I can totally see why you feel the way you do. DH's mum is on her own and although not depressed, she is very dependent on DH and his sister. His sister is depressed herself atm so not able to look after their mum so much. It's hard work.

Please don't feel bad - I know only too well the pain of losing a parent - it is only that reading your thread made me think - I think my experience has hardened me a bit but still completely understand and relate too worrying about your loved ones and thinking about mortality.

anonymum2, it must be very hard to be supportive and positive when your mum remains so low and not able to manage things herself.

some people are lucky and get on great with their parents and others aren't so lucky.

i have a very up and down relationship with my mum. she drives me nuts with her proclamations of what's right (or more to the point what's not right LOL). she does this whole sharp intake of breath constantly - annoys the F outta me!

she's fantastically capable, fit, outgoing, sociable, even witty at times but she's intent on focussing on the negative and is making herself old before her time!

she stays 2 nights per week with me to do childcare and sometimes i find it hard to even speak to her. and i feel so mean dd!

so, i guess i'm just trying to say that you are doing a great, if thankless, job and that it's perfectly normal to resent the situation and get annoyed by it.

my dh also suffers from depression and someone else told me about Rethink today. it's a website that's full of useful information about living with mental health in your family.

you may not count yourself as a carer but you are in some senses.

MN is a great place to vent!

hth

being a carer is the hardest job in the world and i really do think that you are a carer. Sorry if that is not a 'label'that you want but i point it out in the hope that it might mean you give yourself a break about not feeling 'the joy' of having your mother stay with you. Is she likely to be staying long?

Paddlechick666 - Have we got the same mother??
sounds just like mine.

thank you everyone for contributions it is helping me more than you know

Paddlechick - yes I can relate to your relationship with your ma - it is sometimes difficult to help simply because I am too close to her iykwim - and therefore I don't push her enough - 'for an easy life!' LOL

when she was living near my sis it was easier for her to be objective as mum is only her stepmum - but I haven't the necessary distance (in any sense of the word!)and I am also trying to keep dh sane as he is finding it a strain at the mo as you can imagine! In fact he needs the medal more than me - for courage in the face of mad mil!!!

hopefully she won't be staying too much longer but we have had some trouble securing accomm for her.

I think the carer label makes me feel like I will be looking after her for ever and I probably don't want to face that yet... as her mum had alzheimers I do worry about the future

lol @ alexa, don't get me started!

anonymum, hang in there. sounds like there will be an end in sight. well done on sorting the money and getting accomodation arranged.

know what you mean about being too close, familiarity and all that.

paradoxically, i used to think dh's parents were fab. so cool and relaxed and easy going but in fact they've been useless in helping me deal with dh's own depression.

grass is always greener huh!

paddlechick - I think you probably have it harder than me with a dh with depression - just about everyone has something difficult to deal with in their lives.

It is easy to get caught up in someoneelses negativity when you are living with them so I do look forward to getting some geographical distance btwn mum and I - but we haven't actually found a flat yet we are waiting for the money but we may end up paying out in advance just to get things moving.

to be fair - she has been a great help with the lo's and they love her

it's deff another element. have to say that ma has been quite tolerant of dh's illness and has even been noted to be keeping her unwanted opinions to herself lol.

agree tho, dd adores her and she's brilliant with her even if she does wrap her up in cotton wall!

god knows how me and my siblings turned out so hardy if she was forever disinfecting us like she does dd LOL!

yep and i wonder how my sibs and i have managed to be as sociable and financially solvent(ish) as we are with my parents example - but 'they fuck you up your mum and dad' so i dread to think what my kids will have to say about me in 30 yrs

paddlechick, anaoymum, al;exa - snap.

the sharp intakes of breath while reading the guardian, followed by a apinful silence which you are supposedto fill with a curious 'what?' even though the last thing you can be botered to listen to right now is another diatribe.

and money! hah, dont get me started. i guess everyone has something they are absolutely useless at and with my mum its money. a series of disastrous financial decisions have left her almost home less and almost penniless (and of course, one more reason to be a miserable f'er)

but like you all say, shes great with the kids (when she doesnt snigger at them falling over/making mistakes - wtf?? no wonder i had no self esteem)

of course, half the world thinks shes a bloody saint, which is also diff to handle when shes doing you own head in, but hey, just wanted to share so you all know theres lots of us in these confusing shades-of-grey relationships with our mothers.

hth. and

at least yours reads the gaurdian, mine is a true blue "christian" tory royalist. cut her and she'd bleed blue!

so funny tho, everyone else thinks she and my step-dad are marvellous and wonderful too.

as well as the sharp intake we get these little pants/grunts when she's trying to do something a bit hard like open a jar or lift something (pram) awkward! why she just can't ask for someone else to do it!!

but in her favour, she's a great cook, tireless when it comes to doing jobs (but also when it comes to complaining!) and she really does adore adore adore dd.

god i could go on and on and on here - it's quite theraputic LOL.

i'll stop now tho!

LOL!! ok, so apart from hating christians, torys and the royal family (and all who like them), my mother is just like yours!

the pants and grunts thing, we get that.

it is quite theraputic, isnt it? i have a sneaking suspicion she could read this one day tho (shes not v technically minded - understatment of the century - but she does know about MN) which actually adds a frisson of excitement to me talking about her this way. what on earth does that mean then??

ah well, my mother is an IT CyberGranny Guru!

often tries to tell me stuff - even tho I am a techinical IT security specialist.

i never tell her about this sort of thing because she is as addicted to the net as me and would hunt me down and find my posts!

which is a shame really coz she'd prob really like to help the Xmas appeal.........

maybe we should get our mothers together and they can have a fight LOL.

god forbid yours finds this post. if she's anything like mine she'll do a brilliant "offended huff"!