Suicidal now, no help available

[elementofsurprise]

At all. Ever. Not allowed. Have done all the things like go to A&E etc. over the years, too ill to now. They hate me, they have made me feel like this. I needed help and they bullied and excluded me, they like to tell me i'm a shit person. The CMHT and crisis team I mean. Over ten years of trying.

I guess my time is up, i have tried a long time. No-one can love me without turning out to be abusive. No one wants me. Unless i do everything they say. it hurts so much and i cant tell anyone because i must hide it or they think i'm baad/attention seeking, or dont want to know me. I cant o they act any more. Dont want to speak to samaritns, want proper friends or partner who cares. wont ever happen, they all treat me bad so i have to leave or they leave.

Maggie - confidence isnt it exactly. It is in certain passing situations, but not the ones I mean. Confidence seems to make it worse - like people want to bring you down, or assume you have tons of friends and a fabulous life and not want to know.

The sort of things I'm talking about are when I've been powerless and struggling and people have either maliciously exercised their power or just not helped when they could have because they dont give a shit (though they mysteriously woud care about someone else). eg. people in council housing dept treating me with contempt and not following procedure. I was told off and treated like misbehaving for daring to be on edge and upset about having literally nowhere to go. MH team writing nasty letters claiming - and I quote - "Element is known for making demands of services" thus they wouldn't help me. Note the twisting of words there: "making demands" = expecting MH services to help with an MH problem, and the council homeless dept. to help with homelessness (and I was doing all I could to find accommodation; I just needed a hostel temporarily - wasn't randomly demanding housing.) Also the implication that "demands" = "unreasonable demands".

That is just a completely random example from a decade ago... for some reason is on my mind. There's lot of things like this...
I find myself at sea thinking, why me? Why am I the one who it's ok to mock and despise and not treat as a human? And if I express these things people think I'm making it up or being negative... but these things are true, they happened, and I cant understand!

In fact any modicum of self-confidence was despised by MH professionals - they call it entitlement to think you might deserve kindness not blame, and expect you to believe their version of reality.

Confidence gets people's backs up. I feel like people want me to just serve them and do whatever they want and not have needs. Like thats my only place in the world. Being confident doesn't help, it just makes the backlash worse if you speak up, or defend yourself.

And what abotu when your feeling more confident, but friends abandon you for struggling with nightmares from the past? When they wouldn't do that to others.

The only thing I can do is walk away, but I cannot live without love.

When I am confident it makes women colder to me, and some want to drag me down or something. It also attracts men, which I dont acually want because they tend to be attracted to confident types and flee when they know the real me. Or I just end up having to navigate turning down advances. This is not supposed to be a stealth boast! But I do seem to attract men easily (even if they become friends and only confess ages down the line they once fancied me) but not keep them easily. And struggle to make female friends. When I meet women I click with they already have tons of friends, or sudden changes in their life eg. DC, travel, moving away etc. (feeling bit weird because two female friends have left to travel and never come back... I have travelled a lot but always want to come home!)

Public services are so overstretched that they do fail people and then they need to explain why.

And if I express these things people think I'm making it up or being negative... but these things are true, they happened, and I cant understand!

Patterns can be deceptive. Maybe you've just been bloody unlucky?

I know when I had a hideous run of things happening to me (running away from DV and then skint for a while, then ill etc) I started to expect trouble and became quite cautious about hoping for good things. Precisely because all those bad things had happened.

Do you think that might be an element? The bad luck/ lowered expectations combo?

You do sound very down. Do you have a plan for tomorrow?

How was your sleep last night?

Keep having nightmares when I sleep.

I know what you mean about bad luck, but it seems like people really take against me. I can't work out what I'm doing wrong - trusting the wrong people? But then people treat me differently from others... I don't know. It's like I get complacent and feel worthwhile then suddenly - bam! a harsh stark reminder from people that I am different and not wanted or valued. I'm talking exclusion and things, not minor slights.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do people alwyas think the worst of me?

I am gong to see my on/off DP for a cuddle, it might be ill advised... but I cant bear being alone with this feeling any longer...

I'm sorry if I dont seem normal or chatty or something, just so down I cant really think straight or whatever. I dont know how to make it better co now I am so unwell I cant 'fake it' anymore... relly need support but dont have any cos I need to get better so I can make friends...

You have support here OP, I promise you that. It may not be the support you were hoping for, but it's real.

Do you think you might be limiting the future by shackling it to the past? Labeling it as the same process just like you've been labelled as coping/not so much in need/batshit crazy and dispensible?

In so many ways you're right, there's a political agenda to "forget" some people which is helped along by stereotyping and (sic)labeling. Kick a problem around often enough, it implodes and vanishes from view.

You've been kicked around horrifically from birth-day, by the sound of it. I'm so sorry for your pain, so sorry for how you've been mistreated, ignored, shelved by everyone you sought help from. There's nothing much you can do to change that as it is a social paradigm thing. You probably have to grapple with it to get what you need from the system though. Rightly, you are wary of their powers to compartmentalise you.

It may be thought trite now: "How will I know when I've completed my mission?" The answer? "If you are still breathing, you are not done." - Richard Bach (Jonathan Livingston Seagull asks)

You aren't done yet. And you're here. Making (online) friends. Good start, eh? Your future has a different song to sing. You can't ignore or forget the past, of course, but neither should you let it tyrannise every thought or wave to something new. If you possibly can do that. Your rebel yell is a best friend, in my opinion.

I have no idea if this is helpful at all. Hope that you're sleeping now and dreaming well. Just leaving this to let you know that your voice and reality touched me.

Have you looked for Early Intervention Psychosis teams in your area. They are there for people who may be experiencing their first psychotic episode. They can help for up to 2years and have a 6 week assessment process generally.

You can absolutely recognise that your thoughts and feelings are unhealthy/out of touch with reality when you are able to rationalise.

Oh element I'm sorry.
I am in a similar situation as you know. I have not found a way to make services listen.
Am here if you want to PM.

OP..I have a history of BPD...I wanted to give you hope.. I have spent a good few years in hospital I was so ill...However I now have and need no support and am a mum to a fantastic boy.

The one thing I think that has changed is how I approach things. When I feel low instead of planning how to harm myself I think what do I need to do to make things better. It may be slow down, rest, connect with people who will support me.

give yourself a couple of goals for tomorrow , things that are difficult at the moment but you think you can achieve.. Write them down then tick them off so you can see what you have achieved.

Hope you manage to get some sleep

Hi OP, I can't pretend to understand the depth of your feeling at the moment but I can tell you that I too know what it is like to be depressed and to feel like a "marked" subhuman type person.

Let me tell you this, the way those people treated you is not because you are a bad person or because you are destined for ill treatment in any way. You are a unique and special being, who has never been born before now and will never be born again.

They say human beings are grains of sand, but without the grains there would be no sand to stand upon. Even if you are one star amongst billions, do you not have the right to shine like the rest.

The way people have treated you in your life is because of THEM, not a failing inside you.

You come across as very literate and bright with a lot of interesting things to say about the world and you deserve to see yourself as the superstar that you are.

Writing seems to be something you do well, have you considered writing all of this down more?

I have been depressed and was anorexic and suicidal. I found that writing helped so much.

And I second what some rather more practical posters have mentioned. There does seem to be an "agenda" at the moment with regards to public services.

All I can advise is to keep talking to us and keep fighting. You are worthy of love and you deserve to be happy.

It is so good that you have had therapy and found that helped. It takes a very strong person to go through that process and talk through painful things and I salute you for that.

I wish I knew what to suggest or say to help you more. You really do seem like a good person, an intelligent person and a person deserving of the love that exists in the world.

OP
I care
Please keep trying xx

Thank you everyone
Sorry it's taken so long to reply; today has been odd and I've been drifty for most of it so the basics have taken ages. Had lovely long snuggle on sofa time with DFriend as we are both a bit knackered atm. We are both pretty messed up and have to keep a certain distance though - deffo not ready for a relationship on either side... so whilst very lovely to cuddle sometimes I can't rely on him exactly... or something. Hope that makes sense. It was unexpected that he was so gentle and caring, and was spot on tbh.

Made emergency appt. with GP today, after speaking to practice manager who arranged it so I got the after lunch slot and didnt have to wait too long. Was a bit pointless as suspected because he can't refer me (they send referrals back and have asked him not to) but then he started blaming that on me, saying it was my fault for having a bad view of MH professionals so they wouldn't work with me!! Whereas I have actually always made a point of saying I know the really bad experiences were a long time ago in a different geographical area, and I very much see new professionals with a clean slate. Which is more than they do for me . Is pretty horrible and triggering trying to explain to someone how MH team have twisted my words, and seem to refuse to see the truth and put weird interpretations on things, and set you up to fail (refusing home visits, plus loads of letters 'go missing' so I got blamed for missing appts!) I was just there crying saying "You know, a psychiatrist kicked me once and there was no point complaining because no-one would believe me!"... I don't know if GP believed me. It's just so fucking horrible the power games and just arghhhhhh these people should not have the power to manipulate their patients reality to cover their own arses!

Hesitantly mentioned I'd been thinking about Open University, GP asked what subject and when I replied "psychology" he was like "Nooooo! That's a terrible idea!" He thinks it will trigger me and is a bit pointless (my age - 30 - was referenced here )
This is all very odd because normally he is very understanding :(

Spent a couple of hours crying for all the hurting people and animals in the world, espceially the homeless unwanted ones. Feel like I have so much love to give but no way to do it. I will never be a nurse now, due to criminal record plus MH record (no way would the NHS let me join its ranks with the stuff they have written about me). Similar jobs have the same problem. To volunteer or something I'd need an income and can't even work atm let alone volunteer as well. I dont even know if I'll ever get to have my own DC and nurture them.

GrapeEatingWeirdo Argh writing. I do write bits and bobs but I have been trying to get things coherently to write a book for ages I keep feeling I dont understand enough, I need another piece of the puzzle to make a good story! Sometimes I feel like I could just write my life, jazz it up a bit/change timelines etc, and people would think "this is very unrealistic" - but the bits they thought were drama would be the true bits!

Argh writing. I do write bits and bobs but I have been trying to get things coherently to write a book for ages I keep feeling I dont understand enough, I need another piece of the puzzle to make a good story! Sometimes I feel like I could just write my life, jazz it up a bit/change timelines etc, and people would think "this is very unrealistic" - but the bits they thought were drama would be the true bits!

If you're doing something creative and hit a block, sometimes switching to a second creative activity helps.

Do you take photographs or anything like that? Scrapbooking is good for inspiration too.

The subconscious processes of creativity are so good when you are under mental stress x