Need someone to talk to I feel like I'm sinking

[charliesweb]

I posted at the end of May because I had come off citralopram and was feeling really low. I had lots of supportive responses and at times I felt like I could get through it. But now I feel the lowest I've ever felt. It was triggered by a falling out with a friend who also happens to be my business partner. I work 3 days a week and I have also started a small business. It's one where lots of people depend on it operating. What was once a pleasure and an exciting venture now feels like a burden. I feel trapped. I can't eat, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm holding it together just. But its impacting on my dh and my 3 dcs who are worried about me. I keep having mini panic attacks and feel restless, tired and tearful all at the same time.
I'm worried that I'm a burden on my friends who have their own lives to live.
I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm back on the citralopram but I know it will take a while for the effects to kick in.
I feel so lost I don't know what to do.

I can't stop having little panic attacks. I'm terrified. I have to look after my children but Dh isn't back until much later. I don't know what to do I feel like everything is spinning out of control

Take deep breaths and tell yourself that you are in control - don't fight the panic attacks and the sensations. Just see them for what they really are - fight or flight responses.

How are you doing? What time is your dh home? Keep busy till he gets back and try to do normal things, sort some washing, tidy up, just keep busy doing day to day stuff, and chat to us on here.

Charlie

I've been through similar. Difference was that I stayed off my tablets. The withdrawals do not just go I had terrible days for about three months after coming off them. Not all days were bad but some where off the scale. I wonder if that's what you were experiencing?

I rode it out. And recently I had an episode so I stopped having any alcohol, I cut out white carbs and I walked.

These three things have been proven to help and I did them because I was desperate. I'm okish now. But I have to maintain it.

Ive tried to function but I can't. The panic attacks keep coming. I can't tell what's real and what's not. I can't make decisions and I need to.
Occasionally I get a glimpse of real life. I remember what I felt like just a few days ago and it gives me a glimmer of hope. But the overwhelming state I'm in is fear.

There's an app and website called big white wall. Have a look, it's just for people with mh problems and there are psychiatrists available to talk to as well.

When you have a panic attack use breathing techniques to help you keep as calm as possible. You can look them up online.

Try thinking of each day in small chunks of time, and take each chunk individually.

I wish this was all just a bad dream. I'm not at work, I'm barely functioning. It's a constant effort to try and keep a grip. I shouldn't be worrying about the future but I can't stop my thoughts from going there. I feel like a failure and that I will never be happy again. I'm letting everyone down. My children need me but sometimes I can hardly talk. I'm afraid when I'm alone but I'm still alone even when there are people around.
Please someone reassure me this will get better. I need some hope.

Can you meditate ? That really helped me. I downloaded apps on my phone and they really brought my heart beat and my breathing down. Also can you go out for a fast walk or jog. When I felt a panic attack coming on I would open the door and steam down the road. That really helped too as I usually climbed in bed and that didn't help at all

Sometimes focusing on my breathing and the sounds I can hear helps calm me down. But even when I'm not panicking I feel as if whatever I do, even when I get better the problem I have will still be there and still be a problem. I feel trapped in a situation and whatever I do the outcome is not good. I can't see a way out where I can be happy again. Whatever I choose to do i will always feel the regret and pain of having failed.

You will come through this charlie honestly you will

I hate that feeling of impending doom or every thing is fucked up and you can't see how to fix it. It truley is hideous. Don't let it overwhelm you.

Can you take a bit of time off work? I was 'lucky' as I'm a SAHM. Getting out if the house 'power' walking really helped but it would eventually creep back in when I got home.

Is the problem you have a fixable problem or is it your depression?

Have you got a diary or a note book? Can you get your thought out on there? I used to write pages but when I started feeling better I could see when I looked back

I think my problem is fixable. People tell me it is. I've started a venture with a friend. People rely on it. I also work 3 days a week in a similar job but for the public sector. I've crashed because I've been doing too much. I feel the responsibility of the venture like a weight. I think I may want out but then I will have failed at the thing I am supposed to be an expert in in my public sector job. People will know I've failed. I wish I could go back and not have even tried.

You have been brave trying to start out in your own, it's bloody hard work. Can you take some one else on to share the work load? Might mean less money for you but a bit of head space.

I've done with a friend. But I know it's not long term for her and the future scares me. I just need to know it will be ok to stop that people won't think less of me.

Anybody that cares for you won't think badly. Anybody that thinks otherwise isn't with worrying over.

I think it might be a good idea if you wind it up. I wouldn't see it as a failure but more as a pre run for when you can give it the attention it needs. Nothing in this world is final. My dad has just pulled himself out of the shit after losing his house and home due to being made redundant but he is slowing getting back on top. I asked him how he managed to keep going and he replied ' you just have to get up each day, don't you' and he was right.

Where are you now? It's lovely here, can you not go out for a walk ?

Just forced myself to shower and go for a walk. The despair seems to recede during the day and leaves just sadness which is more manageable. I'm hoping the fresh air and sunlight will be helping increase my serotonin levels.

Absolutly ! Good for you Charlie. Im around most of the time just have a toddler running round so I'm here to chat if you want.

Thank you Tequila. It helps to get my thoughts out.

Hi Charlie how did your walk go?

It's an effort to motivate myself to do stuff, but I am getting out. I think it's helping. I can't seem to switch off the thoughts but every so often I get a glimpse of rationale thinking. It gives me hope that this will get better.

It will get better :-)

Keep pushing forward. Have you managed to look at some well being and meditation apps?

I've been feeling much better today. I'm still tired but I don't feel totally exhausted my everyday activities. There's still a sadness to my mood but it's not the desperate despair it once was. Thank you for being there to listen while I got through this Tequila.

After having such a good day yesterday today is proving to very hard.

I think the panic attacks are linked to feeling not in control of your situation. The row with your business partner has made this feeling worse. You don't want your private business to falter because you fear being judged a failure, which is actually perfectly normal when running your own business.

You have said you've crashed because you've been doing too much. I think that quitelikely5 has a point. You have a lot going on and the effects of coming off your AD and feeling low has exerbated things. You need to give yourself some time to 'come up for air'!

Diary some time to make any decisions you need to make (to put you back in control) and forget about them in the interim (or diary some time to think about what decisions you may need to make). Otherwise, you will be endlessly running through your problems over and over in your head and not dealing with any of them, which will make you feel out of control and worse.

You haven't failed. You are just overwhelmed at the moment. Some good advice posted by others on how to relax, but you must give yourself permission to leave your worries aside (no excuses) for a few days and just take care of you .

How you getting on Charlie?