Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU To be a bit depressed about my marriage?

63 replies

Shezzlefrezz · 11/06/2015 12:04

Been with dh about 10 years. Sahm at the mo.

Here are my bad / unattractive points-,
I'm a bit fat/ old looking
I'm fairly needy- ie I like cuddles for comfort, I cry a lot about my past
I'm pretty rubbish domestically- not a great cook/ house cleaner
I have a temper on me when provoked
I can drink a bottle of wine very quickly and so at the moment about 4 times a week
I'm a secret ish smoker

Here are my good points

I look ok in clothes/ make up
I have a professional career that interests me and I'm good at
I have lots of friends
I'm a life and soul of the party sort
I throw a good party
I listen carefully and try to help anyone I can
I listen to and respect my kids, we have good relationships and they are happy and thriving at home and school.

Dh gets angry with me most days- for drinking and smoking especially. He tells me it's difficult to be kind to me when I'm drunk, emotional or needy- not all occur at the same time. I accept that I need to make changes with the drinking and smoking but feel very sad I can't go to him for comfort. We don't share a room and I'm often lonely. I'm trying to acceptt myself for who i am both good and bad points. I'd love it if h could do with the same as its really impacting on how I feel about myself on a day to day basis. I'm being unreasonable to expect this aren't I. Be kind if you can, I'm rather delicate.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 11/06/2015 22:55

Cake for breakfast?

Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 11/06/2015 23:02

Yeah... His mum is Austrian, it's a thing apparently, I totally don't get it

< considers another way in which h and I are poorly suited >

OP posts:
Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 11/06/2015 23:04

Will post again tomorrow to document ratio of h arsiness/emotional sahara to lack of smoking/drinking / fitness. Thanks again and night all

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 11/06/2015 23:13

Good night.

whothehellknows · 11/06/2015 23:47

Good luck OP. It's not easy to think about giving up all these things at once. But congratulations on today. Even if your husband went to bed in a strop, at least you know that you made choices that are good for you.

htf2 · 11/06/2015 23:54

Good luck - just that one decision to have a swim instead of a bottle of wine sounds like a big step. You will be doing yourself a huge favour no matter what, and taking away excuses he might use. Night!

NoSquirrels · 12/06/2015 00:08

Good luck with the no drinking & smoking. You really will feel better for it.

Please try to focus on yourself - make changes in yourself, for you, and don't make them dependent on getting a "result", especially in the short-term, from your DH. Emotional neediness is really hard to deal with - give it time to make some changes yourself before you ask for changes from him.

Sorry for your loss, and enduring grief.

IceBeing · 12/06/2015 00:13

nosquirrels speaks great sense there. Do it for yourself OP!

however · 12/06/2015 00:21

No, I'm not confusing you with anyone. I'm going buy what you posted.

however · 12/06/2015 00:21

By.

Eminado · 12/06/2015 00:46

I Don't mean to be harsh (honestly) but think you are a bit in denial about the impact the drinking is having.

It's really shit being with someone who is drunk all or most of the time, esp. when you are not.

And problem pdrinkers in my experience are never fully aware of how they behave when they are drunk. Because they are drunk. Even if they dont feel like they are.

I think it will take some time for your husband to get over his possibly long running feelings (anger? Hurt? ) about how much you have been drinking. I bet he is lonely too.

I wish you all the luck though and i hope you can stop, I really do.

pinkdelight · 12/06/2015 06:59

Nice one, that's a great start, and I totally agree with pp who said do it for you rather than him. At the moment the drink etc is clouding the issue. It may be causing or exacerbating your dh's coldness or the coldness may remain regardless, but at least if you're taking care of yourself then you won't be shouldering the blame and caught in this spiral. It won't be as simple as him being nicer if you're sober for a night though. Or hitting the bottle again for comfort if he's a dick. It's about you finding other ways of coping and feeling better about yourself. And then if he's still an emotional Sahara then you know it's his problem and that your myriad good points (more than you've listed here I'm sure, from your swift self-perception and resolve) radiate regardless.

NRomanoff · 12/06/2015 07:19

It sounds as though you are trapped in a shit circle. You drink because you are lonely, dh moves further away so you drink more and it goes on like that.

Personally the drinking and smoking would turn me right off. Dh has a drink a couple of nights a week but it's literally one bottle of beer and that's it. I wouldn't be happy if he as drunk 4 nights a week.

One night of not drinking isn't going I solve this. You say he doesn't like some traits that attracted him in the first place? Which ones?

You also say you haven't changed much. Is that part of the problem. Most people do change and your dh might have done and, now there are more responsibilities, he may feel you haven't changed. I can't tell who is wrong because it depends on the traits and the balance of things in the relationship.

Maybe he finds it hard to have sole responsibility for the family financially, he may resent you for staying at home but not doing much around the house. You need a good long sober talk.

Also a bit of neediness is ok but excessive neediness can be very difficult to live with. I think you need to pursue that extra counselling for you, not the marriage but so you are happier in yourself.

pinkdelight · 12/06/2015 07:25

(And then you can decide what to do about your marriage with a clear head and conscience)

yogeek · 12/06/2015 07:50

I wish you all the best in living a bit of a healthier life. Did you know that there are 635 calories in one bottle of wine? So that's 2540 less calories a week if you can stop the 4 bottles. You will be well on your way to slimming down.
Well done getting motivated for swimming. Try and think of some other healthy distractions for this weekend so that you are prepared....
Good luck with it all.

evelynj · 12/06/2015 08:04

Good luck shezzle, it's so hard to break the habit but you're starting great. I'm in the same boat with my life - love a wee smoke & drink but I'm horrendously overweight & this is a great time of year to start aha healthy lifestyle! Keep us posted :)

Oobis · 12/06/2015 08:49

Hey Shezzle, great effort yesterday. I hope you have a great day today Smile

Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 12/06/2015 09:09

Thanks all, thanks oobis Smile
I will post again later to update. Good news is I have a friend I really care about coming for lunch- she and I used to get in right states together but she doesn't drink or smoke anymore so I will talk frankly with her. Thanks again for kindness Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 12/06/2015 09:16

In answer to a few questions... I do think I have a drinking problem. I think I could be an alcoholic. I just have no idea really what to do about, except not drink.

When I say I'm needy.... I mean I need love and affection and kindness and God forbid a present on birthdays and anniversaries if that's not too entitled... I cry about my loss, alone, sober about once a week. I cry at the tv/ books/ magazines, sober and alone every day. I dont like to burden friends, family or dh with my emotionality so I don't Say when I'm sad. And then I guess I drink and I don't feel sad anymore.

OP posts:
susurration · 12/06/2015 09:18

As someone who used to live with a heavy drinker, from your H's POV one night of not drinking will not make up for all the nights you have done. He will be expecting you start drinking again tonight and if not tonight then tomorrow night.

Have you actually spoken to your husband about any of this? You have a responsibility to try and close the gap too you know. Perhaps being honest and frank with your husband might help him open up to you in return.

Rebecca2014 · 12/06/2015 10:20

He most likely doesn't be affectionate with a woman who is drunk 4 times a week. Sorry to be mean but it sounds like he has fallen out of love with you.

Please give up drinking, not for him but for your own health. Get help.

Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 12/06/2015 10:25

I am going to ask for this thread to be deleted now. The phrase 'sorry to be mean' is just the beginning of a lovely mn deluge of abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 12/06/2015 10:29

You know what Rebecca- what you wrote really hurt. Really, truly, reached out across the screen and hurt me.I am a person going through all sorts of pain and your comments more than anything I have ever ever read directed at me on mumsnet has hurt. Is that your intention? Do you not understand what I have written?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shezzlefrezz · 12/06/2015 10:32

You know what Rebecca I don't just feel like a glass of wine and a fag now- I feel fucking suicidal. You think about that

OP posts:
BeenWondering · 12/06/2015 10:36

Shezzlefrezz Please don't get the thread deleted because you feel an incoming tirade of abuse headed your way. I don't think anyone has set out with that intention.

This thread could provide you with a much needed place to get your thoughts and feelings out. You say you don't like to burden friends and family with your problems - (which by the way I think you should address instead of keeping it locked inside) - but don't feel as if you're under attack. You're really not.