Does anyone else feel totally normal and reasonably happy... until you start to think about killing yourself.

[nobodyknows0]

Hi mumsnetters I'd just like to put out my darkest secret on here.. for a number of reasons, maybe others feel the same? maybe someone could be bored and mildly interested but mainly because I'd like to let it out somewhere. I'm not expecting replies, don't feel rude to read and run i just want to tell "someone" but have no one i can speak to at home.

I have had depression a couple of times before, but i don't feel depressed. I even had my 6 week postnatal check the other day and passed the depression questionnairre with full marks, yet yesterday i spent 20minutes crying in the bath thinking about overdosing in my favourite childhood field.

Here is another recent example. Me and DP took our DC to the national space centre which we were looking forward to, I was very keen and we were having a lovely time. Then whilst at the highest floor i went to the railing, curious to see how high we were. As I looked down I noticed the large framework bars, and wondered what it would feel like to hit them as I fell down and where exactly i would end up.

Or when we went to visit a good friend for a bbq and mid chatty conversation I began to think about who would care and how much if i were to be gone.

I can't tell a dr as I don't want intervention from mental health, i don't want medication as 90% of the time i am fine and I couldn't bear to lose my kids, the disappointment of DP or hospitals.. anything. But i don't know why I keep having these severe suicidal episodes which last around half an hour or less.

Triggers have been different things, from letting myself down with eating to getting anxious about going out with baby.. i usually get anxious then start to get a negative cycle of thoughts and begin to hate myself.. this then progresses to wanting to kill myself.

Last night was definitely the worst.. had a silly argument with DP and he said some hurtful things.. so yeah that's it really!

Sorry Branleuse but thats terrible advice to a post natal woman who describes herself as having "severe suicidal episodes" and with anxiety problems too. Meds or talk therapy could certainly help her and she doesn't have to just live with it.
None of us here are in a position to know either way but please don't advise against seeking help in real life, its a dangerous position to take in a situation like this.

you cant though can you. Talking therapies maybe, but if 90% of the time everythings fine, then intrusive thoughts are not necessarily the same as suicidal ideation, and medication will not remove intrusive thoughts without dulling the rest of the 90% of good times. Speaking from my own experience, obviously

No they aren't necessarily the same, but you don't know which the OP has. And considering the serious consequences for her of you guessing wrong, I;d err on the side of caution and advise a professional to assess it, rather than us.
Do you want to be the one to tell her she's fine, leave it, and get it wrong? This isn't just words on a screen, its her life.

winter OP is having suicidal idealizations, she's not yet suicidal, though! Scary and even scarier that I know thexactly difference first hand but they're not the same.

my suggestion is trying CBT. There's a website called Mood Gym that I found helpful and the book "Mind Over Mood" would be great for the types of thoughts you're having- CBT is all about "what evidence is there for/against my worry" which I really think could help you

Cycle, with respect, thats not for you or I to decide. I know the difference first hand as well and I know that things can change quickly. Advice on here can be useful but we cannot and should not diagnose a poster or advise them not to see a professional in RL.

thank you i've read the pdf it was an interesting read, i've definitely had intrusive thoughts but they've been different to when i've thought about suicide, i'll get occasional very upsetting thoughts about my baby coming to harm or sometimes very paranoid anxiety inducing thoughts that others want to hurt my baby or are lieing to me but then i think where did that come from? and forget about it but when i've had these episodes i very quickly feel like my thoughts are tru about myself and i want to do it, i feel almost jealous of others who have done it and have come very close to getting in the car and driving god knows where.. i don't know really i know you can't diagnose me online or anything but it's been a big help talking about it, i've also said to my DP that i'm worried about how i'm feeling and he said i don't have to talk to him about it unless i want to just a gp if i feel i need to