Hi mumsnetters I'd just like to put out my darkest secret on here.. for a number of reasons, maybe others feel the same? maybe someone could be bored and mildly interested but mainly because I'd like to let it out somewhere. I'm not expecting replies, don't feel rude to read and run i just want to tell "someone" but have no one i can speak to at home.
I have had depression a couple of times before, but i don't feel depressed. I even had my 6 week postnatal check the other day and passed the depression questionnairre with full marks, yet yesterday i spent 20minutes crying in the bath thinking about overdosing in my favourite childhood field.
Here is another recent example. Me and DP took our DC to the national space centre which we were looking forward to, I was very keen and we were having a lovely time. Then whilst at the highest floor i went to the railing, curious to see how high we were. As I looked down I noticed the large framework bars, and wondered what it would feel like to hit them as I fell down and where exactly i would end up.
Or when we went to visit a good friend for a bbq and mid chatty conversation I began to think about who would care and how much if i were to be gone.
I can't tell a dr as I don't want intervention from mental health, i don't want medication as 90% of the time i am fine and I couldn't bear to lose my kids, the disappointment of DP or hospitals.. anything. But i don't know why I keep having these severe suicidal episodes which last around half an hour or less.
Triggers have been different things, from letting myself down with eating to getting anxious about going out with baby.. i usually get anxious then start to get a negative cycle of thoughts and begin to hate myself.. this then progresses to wanting to kill myself.
Last night was definitely the worst.. had a silly argument with DP and he said some hurtful things.. so yeah that's it really!