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Mental health

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Original poster

My Dad died a year ago tomorrow....I feel so lonely and still can't believe I'll never see him ever again

27 replies

barney2 · 10/11/2006 22:10

I'm sat here staring at this screen, I don't know what to type, I can hear the rain pouring down outside and all I want to do is cry. Today, a year ago, was the last time I saw my lovely kind Dad alive - he was dead the following morning - he died of a heart attack. I still can't come to terms with his death. I still can't believe I won't see him again and I can't believe a year has gone by already. I feel so lonely and so very sad. I just wish I could be with him now. God this is awful.

OP posts:

BettySpaghetti · 10/11/2006 22:17

Oh, Barney2 -my friend is in a similar situation in that its approaching the first anniversary of her father's death.

She has had an awful year but is finally receiving a little comfort from talking to someone at Cruse. Have you spoken to them or considered it?

Original poster

barney2 · 10/11/2006 22:20

Hi bettyspaghetti. No I haven't spoken to anyone at Cruse but have had it suggested to me many times but I just don't think I could keep it together to talk to anyone about how I feel really. I can't even talk to my DH without the tears pouring. I keep pushing him away which doesn't help. My Mum seems to be striving on ahead and getting on with her life and I guess I feel I should be doing the same. I went to the cemetary tonight to put some fresh flowers on his grave and just sobbed my heart out, again. I'm crying now. Its horrible.

OP posts:

auntymandy · 10/11/2006 22:21

hi!
My Dad died 4 years ago. Honestly it gets easier. It is still hard and I still miss him and often see things that remind me of him. I want to share so much with him.
You must allow yourself time. Think and talk about him as much as you can. Believe he is still here for you. He will always live in your heart and when times are hard he will let you know he is there.
Sending huge huge hugs x

Original poster

barney2 · 10/11/2006 22:22

I know it takes time but why do I still feel as upset as the day he died?

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 10/11/2006 22:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

barney2 · 10/11/2006 22:26

One of the reasons why I've never considered contacting Cruse is because if Dad knew he'd laugh at me and tell me not to waste their time and that I should cope....I can hear him saying that now.

OP posts:

BettySpaghetti · 10/11/2006 22:30

My friend still can't talk about her dad without really sobbing (in fact she said thats why she put off talking to any professional) and , like you, her Mum appears to be getting on with her life and moving on.

Do you have a good relationship with your GP? I ask because thats probably been my friends greatest support -her GP sees her regularly, listens to her, has prescribed ADs but not addictive ones at my friends request etc.

GP has also arranged for friend to see a pscychologist at the surgery -they have said she has post traumatic stress disorder (she spent a harrowing few weeks at her Dads bedside before he died).

Please think about talking to someone as I was so worried about my friend but it seems that there may be light at the end of the tunnel for her at last through talking to professionals about it.

auntymandy · 10/11/2006 22:32

he would want you to cope and feel better. so if you need cruse then contact them. That is what they are hear for. You can greave as long as you want to there are no rules.
Some days will be really hard some not so hard.
Try and think of something he did that made you smile... smile for him!!!

tegan · 10/11/2006 22:36

I totally understand where you are coming from as my grandad died 3 yrs ago on sunday when I was 4 months pg with dd2.
I still miss him loads and wish he was here to meet his great grand daughter.

runkid · 10/11/2006 23:18

barney2-i know how you feel my mum died 4yrs ago suddenly and i didnt get to say goodbye or hear her voice again. I can still cry over her at the drop of a hat .I love and miss her. It does get easier to bear but i did go for councilling at my local surgery it really helped me understand the way i feel.It doesnt matter if you cry at these sessions it is all part of the healing process and helps you to move on. You will never forget your dad but you will start to remember all the happy times you had instead of focusing on the fact that he has passed away. I hope this helps

doyouwantfrieswiththat · 10/11/2006 23:58

barney I know it feels like the pain will never be bearable but these are still such early days for you.

Cruse,Samaritans, GP, do what you need to get by , your dad would want you to get the help you need.

Crying is good for you-did you know your body excretes stress chemicals in your tears?

wheelsanddollbaby · 11/11/2006 08:52

Hi Barney2
My Mum died five years ago in Jan. I still find it hard. She was my world (single parent/only child)and miss her everyday. My son was born one year and seven days after her death so I was focusing my thoughts on going into labour(my due date was a year and a day after she died). I was sad and scared, heavy and immobile all at the same time. It does get slighty better and I can talk about things without bursting into tears now(that took about three years). I didn't have any kind of counselling and have just stumbled through. I met my husband four months after she died and I think I used him to numb the pain. Now our marriage has broken down and I am having to deal with alot of the things I should have worked through back then. I have now started to remember the good things about my life with my Mum and not just focus on her absense.My Mum still cried on her Mum's birthday and death day 10 years on. I do believe they watch you and guard your life. Your Dad would want you to be happy and it will get marginally better. It's okay to cry. Sometimes I write my Mum a letter just to talk and to get my feelings out. Hugs

MamaG · 11/11/2006 09:04

barney2 - how sad for you, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Read this thread

I hope you get some support from it, like myself and a lot of others have x

Wordsmith · 11/11/2006 09:24

Hi Barney, so sorry you're still suffering like this. I remember 'talking' to you a while back about your dad - he died a month after mine. I hope you find strength from MN and am thinking of you. xx

winnie · 11/11/2006 09:51

barney2, thinking of you today.
Have an idea of how you are feeling.
Imho time doesn't heal one just learns to live with absence. Take care of yourself and if you are struggling to deal with everyday because of your grief please get some counselling. {{{{}}}}

runkid · 11/11/2006 10:03

Thinking of you today barney2

iris66 · 11/11/2006 10:25

baarney2 - thinking of you and hope you are able to think of happy times with your dad today.
My dad died unexpectedly in June this year. I'm devastated and miss him dreadfully.

Original poster

barney2 · 11/11/2006 16:13

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your posts.

Today has been a very sad day. I spent the morning clock watching.

I'm glad in one respect, relieved even, that I can now say Dad died over a year ago and I won't be able to say 'this time last year' etc - in an odd way it makes me happier and makes me feel more able to deal with the huge loss and huge void in my life.

I was quite close to my Dad - I was a lot closer to him than I've ever been to my Mum and I would often say before he died 'I can't imagine losing my Dad'. It has now happened and I've got to get on with my life. Its made me realise how short life is, that I've got to make the most of what I've got, that no one knows what is around the corner and you get nothing on a plate.

We didn't have a holiday this year - we've struggled through the year. It's been a year of grieving, tears, feeling very depressed, feeling very lonely and a year spent questioning 'why my Dad' ....'why not so and so's Dad who is ten years older than mine' and why are all the graves around my Dad got people in them that are a lot older than mine, why couldn't I have had Dad that long? Anyway I'm now determined to get a holiday booked for early next year. I need a break away from home and I'm sure my kids do too as well as DH. I forget when I'm so wrapped up in my own little world how much of an effect all this has had on everyone else, not just me.

I will get through this. I have too. My kids need me to be a level headed happy Mum. It's not fair on them or anyone else otherwise.

OP posts:

Wordsmith · 13/11/2006 07:52

Hi Barney. I can relate to your third paragraph. The first of everything (first Christmas since he died, first birthday, first anniversary etc) is very hard. It's like a milestone you have to get over. i do think it becomes a bit less stressful after that. Thinking of you x.

Original poster

barney2 · 13/11/2006 11:24

Hi wordsmith. Thanks for your post. I'm ok. Just very tired. It wasn't a good weekend but I've got through it and out the other side. Only now to be faced with my dog possibly having to be put to sleep because I found a large mass in her tummy last night. She's due into the vets on Wednesday and its not looking good.

Just wonder what else can be thrown at me? Don't think I could cope with much more.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 13/11/2006 11:35

bugsey - it is still early days. Grief takes a long time to work through and hits you at odd times over odd things - there is no rule on how it should be - it is different for everyone.

My dad died of a heart attack when I was 18 - about 9 months later I was on holiday in Athens - and suddenly it hit me like a wall - I sat on the curb in the street and cried my heart out - there was no reason why that particular place and time should have upset me.

And just because your mum seems to be coping better than you - does not mean anything - she had a different relationship than you, is a different person and is dealing with it in her own way.

When you are upset - cry - it helps - and then you can get on with day to day until the next time. And gradually over time the gaps become bigger. You will evenutally be able to look back with happiness that you had so long iwth your dad and such a good relationship, and whistfully wish he was here now to see whatever.

lynneclynne · 13/11/2006 16:52

Barney, my thoughts are with you at this very sad time, i know what you must be going through, it is good you have your dh and kids to get you through this difficult time, i lost my dh seven years ago and if it wasnt for our 5year old ds i wouldnt be here either.One year later we lost my 16 year old cousin (on his 16th b/day) a year after that my aunt and every year year since someone close to me(the latest being my f/i on xmas day, it is so difficult get through this, however i have got through it all thanks to my now13 year old ds, if it wasnt for him i dont know where i would be. I keep telling myself life is too short!!
Take care! x

lynneclynne · 13/11/2006 16:54

Barney, my thoughts are with you at this very sad time, i know what you must be going through, it is good you have your dh and kids to get you through this difficult time, i lost my dh seven years ago and if it wasnt for our 5year old ds i wouldnt be here either.One year later we lost my 16 year old cousin (on his 16th b/day) a year after that my aunt and every year year since someone close to me(the latest being my f/i on xmas day, it is so difficult get to through this, however i have got through it all thanks to my now13 year old ds, if it wasnt for him i dont know where i would be. I keep telling myself life is too short!!
Take care! x

lynneclynne · 13/11/2006 16:54

Barney, my thoughts are with you at this very sad time, i know what you must be going through, it is good you have your dh and kids to get you through this difficult time, i lost my dh seven years ago and if it wasnt for our 5year old ds i wouldnt be here either.One year later we lost my 16 year old cousin (on his 16th b/day) a year after that my aunt and every year year since someone close to me(the latest being my f/i on xmas day, it is so difficult get to through this, however i have got through it all thanks to my now13 year old ds, if it wasnt for him i dont know where i would be. I keep telling myself life is too short!!
Take care! x

lynneclynne · 13/11/2006 16:54

Barney, my thoughts are with you at this very sad time, i know what you must be going through, it is good you have your dh and kids to get you through this difficult time, i lost my dh seven years ago and if it wasnt for our 5year old ds i wouldnt be here either.One year later we lost my 16 year old cousin (on his 16th b/day) a year after that my aunt and every year year since someone close to me(the latest being my f/i on xmas day, it is so difficult to get through this, however i have got through it all thanks to my now13 year old ds, if it wasnt for him i dont know where i would be. I keep telling myself life is too short!!
Take care! x

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