I can't think straight

[CarbeDiem]

I just need somewhere to write this down I don't think I'm looking for an answer
I'm having such a rough time at the moment, there's a whole lot of shit landed on me recently and it appears it won't fucking stop.
My mum is dying
My long term relationship has ended
I had to leave my puppy
I'm back at my mums with no home, no job, no money and no future
Tonight I don't think I can get any lower - I earlier found a lump in my breast - I can't tell anyone or talk about it as everyone has enough on their plates right now - see above - my mum. I did tell my ex but he clearly can't deal with it.
The ex and I have just 60 minutes ago had the discussion that we can not stay in contact with each other any more because it's just so fucking painful - he's struggling hugely too and it's probably not healthy for either of us tbh.
I've cried and sobbed quietly for the last hour so that my mum doesn't hear and I've had a panic attack too - I can't calm myself down properly.
The anti-depressants that I was given last week are sat on the bed in front of me and I'm still dithering to take the first one - I'm afraid to be on them but I'm afraid to be off them too. I know I should but I just can't do it.
Who/what ever is throwing shit my way, please, I beg you to stop - I'm not strong, I can't fucking cope with any more.

I've done it - I swallowed one down - it's done. Better I do it now when I'm still clinging to control than when I slip too far down. I'm eagerly awaiting the numbness kicking in when they begin working - I'm aware that sounds fucked up but can't help how I feel.
Going to go lie down and hopefully sleep tonight.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time CarbeDiem I hope you will make an appointment today to get the lump checked out and hopefully it won't be anything to worry about. Keeping you in my thoughts and please keep writing here if you think it will help xx

Thank you snuffling for your kind words. Yes, I'm going to keep writing things down, I find it helps. Especially as I can't really talk to my family right now and I'm awaiting appts for counselling.

I managed a few hours sleep so that's something but I awoke to a really bad tummy (and diarrhoea) and dizziness - I'd been recently constipated due to taking painkillers and thought it was the senna I'd taken even though it rarely usually works when I take it... took me 30 mins to remember I'd took my anti- d last night - so more likely to be that. I've never had that before even after taking most of the anti-d's available on the market over the course of my adult life.
I feel weird today - I'm up, I've had coffee, I'm talking but feel quite detached and really really tired.

I'll try and get to the GP today or tomorrow. I do have an issue in the other breast, there's a few cysts but they weren't lumps I could feel and were extremely painful - what I found yesterday isn't really painful so hadn't alerted me until last night night in the bath, it's quite large but wasn't there a month ago. I'm trying not to panic - I don't have any spare mental energy to start worrying about it much at the moment anyway.

I'm glad you managed some sleep CarbeDiem Sorry that you have had a bad tummy .I hope is a bit more settled by now.
I am very pleased to hear that you will be making an appointment to see your GP about the lump x

I'm still in my PJ's - I just don't have any energy. Still got the bad tummy and dizziness - it feels a bit like seasickness. I don't remember ever feeling this awful when starting other AD's but maybe I've just forgot about it.

After yesterdays discussion where it was decided NO contact - Ex messaged me earlier asking to speak to me. He has basically begged me to go back to Europe and stay with him (as friends) for a few weeks while he sorts himself out.
From what I can gather he is on the floor, he's been using medication to mask his feelings and the reality of our situation has now fully hit him. I do feel for him and feel sorry for him but I can't help him - I will not go back there, I can't. We are very co-dependant, him more so but even if I had the mental energy to offer him help it won't actually HELP anyone - even in my depressed and anxious state I can see that.

So I've been told that it's my fault that -

• he will have to return to the UK with his mum for a few months (who's there at the moment supporting him) because he can't be alone.

• he will have to give our/his puppy back to the lady we rescued her from
• he could mess up this years study
• plus a load of other shite.
• his parents trust me and hope that I'll help him.... WTF?

It's so difficult and I've told him he's being unfair and quite selfish to put all of that on my shoulders - i screamed that if he hadn't ruined our relationship then we both wouldn't be in this situation now and to pretty much put that in his pipe and fucking smoke it! So the call didn't go or end well. He can't keep calling me especially after last night when we agreed we wouldn't. I think he wants to hate me so that he can get angry and find it a little easier to move forward, so there's probably very little chance that he'll make contact again. It just makes it all so raw again - I really wanted to remain friends - we've been through so much and I do still care but sadly I don't think we'll ever be.

My problem now though is - if he does indeed return to the Uk - I think he's being serious, then it's to MY home Town - massive chance of bumping into him somewhere. Our houses aren't that close but where we shop and go to the GP is. I don't wish him to be stuck there alone but the fact he's in another country and so far away has been a bit of a relief to me up to now - the potential to go see him etc... has obviously been very limited.
I'm not going to stress, it's not happened yet.

Pluses of the day - I've received my appt for my counselling - it's on Saturday morning, so that's something.
My mum, bless her, has made a quiche for dinner :) She doesn't often have the energy to bake/cook since her op plus she's currently half way through her radio treatment but she said she felt fab today - so after a million offers of help that were refused - we let her get on with it. It was nice to see. We all want to do things for her but I'm guilty of sometimes forgetting that she NEEDS to get on with life - as best she can and that she's not made from glass. I'm trying my best to let her take the lead and to tell me if she needs me to do things rather than just me doing them and to just tell me to piss off If I'm faffing around her too much :)

Bleurgh! Still feeling awful this morning but I suppose it's to be expected as it's only day 2 on pills so my body is still thinking wtf? Fuzzy head, palpitations and shaking are side effects of the day added to yesterdays - I wish I could sleep until my body accepts it.
I'm going to get washed and dressed and might try and go to Town with my sister.

No contact since yesterday from ex, see if it lasts.

I am glad your mum had a good day yesterday. Good luck with the counselling and GP appointment and I hope you will manage a trip out with your sister today.Sorry you are still not feeling well

Thanks snuffling I've been to Town and bought myself a new pillow and a lamp for my room, I'm a bugger for pillows and like reading in bed but not by a big beaming light - small things etc..... :)
Feel a bit better for getting out even though I spent most of my time in a weird kind of daze.

I've got lots to do - sorting and rearranging my room should be top of the list as I'm still half living out of my suitcases but I just can't be arsed right now. It will be soon I think as it's driving me crazy.

Glad you managed to go to town yesterday. I hope your new pillow helped you to have a good night's sleep

It was certainly more comfy but didn't help me sleep any better. I'm still feeling crappy but the tummy issues feel a little better this morning.

Had a bit of a shock yesterday - while mum was at her radiotherapy appt she had 3 small seizures. Luckily it happened there and there was a Dr around so they gave her medication.
I'm trying to calm my sister down but inside I'm really scared and worried as it could be because of the radio but it also could be that the tumour has grown or spread again. It's really strange - to look at her you'd never know that she was so seriously ill. She's been back on steroids to reduce any swelling in her brain and also given an anti-seizure drug too so hopefully won't have any more.

And still the shit keeps coming.
Just had a call to say that my counselling has been cancelled on sat.
Apparently the counsellor has holidays booked and they didn't realise........... Really!?
So it's now the following week. Great!
I was so glad and kind of looking forward to going on Saturday and just having someone who doesn't know me and I don't have to be strong around, to talk to.
I know I'm probably overreacting but an extra week keeping it all inside just feels so long.
I'm at the GP today for my breast so hopefully that goes well and at least they haven't cancelled on me ...... yet :)

So sorry you have had that hold up with the counselling CarbeDiem Keeping you in my thoughts. Sending some flowers for your mum too Thinking about you at your appointment today x

Thank you for your kindness Snuffling.

GP examined me and could feel it straight away, she could also see my breast is a bit out of shape because of it. She said it feels like a mass of some sort but doesn't feel like a cyst (which I'd have preferred her not to say really) Anyway she referred me to the breast clinic under the suspected C word ''seen in 2 weeks'' thing. Of course, that doesn't mean anything at this point it's just guaranteed to get me in quickly. I'm going to try not to give it much thought to be honest - it is what it is and I can't change anything by stressing myself.

I visited a friend on the way back for a cuppa which was nice - just listening to someone else's life and problems for an hour was good.

I then had to call into my mums GP's to discuss her meds - she's been given new ones after her seizures yesterday and when I checked they can interact with the ones she's already on, quite badly too. So a GP called me right away (funny, now AFTER they failed my mum - she can pretty much have what she wants from them) I got a bit narked at the GP's suggestion of changing mum from a pretty heavy duty painkiller (it's the one that interacts with her steroid) to parafeckingcetamol!!
For someone with tumours and aggressive brain cancer she may as well eat a smartie and get the same effect. It felt as though she wasn't listening and I really wanted to shout/scream at her but didn't. (I do feel a lot of anger towards them for sending mum away repeatedly when she was having terrible symptoms but it's not one individuals fault nor is it the right time or way to express it)
Anyway she needs to get permission from mum to speak to me so will call back later and hopefully get it all sorted out.

That turned into a bit of a rant :)

Well done for seeing the GP CarbeDiem Hopefully you won't have to wait long for your appointment at the breast clinic.

Hope the GP will be able to sort out that problem with your mum's medication Keeping you in my thoughts xx

Mums meds are sorted thanks. - GP called back and there's a prescription waiting for something better than bloody paracetamol :)

My appt should be within the next 2 weeks as the GP referred me under the NHS rapid access thing. I'm being sent to hospital out of my own area - I assume it's for this reason - the hospital close to me is just a little local one and I'm not even sure it has a breast clinic other than for mammogram's.
The GP actually called them while I was with her so hopefully they'll send an appt soon.

Dropping by to see how you are doing CarbeDiem

I'm okay thanks Snuffling
I've not really had a chance to get online over the weekend due to having an extremely full house.
Bit of a nightmare really - my sister, her bf, his daughter and my niece came to stay at mums - We ended up arguing because she's so lazy, she does nothing to help or muck in and treats her visits like a holiday for herself/her bf.
Plus her bf is like a big bloody kid and winds and winds up the kids making them scream and screech - mum can't be bothered with it. He doesn't really get the concept of 'be quiet!'
I'd already given up my bed and room for them, ran around after the kids, kept them quiet and entertained not to mention fed and watered, watched them on Saturday night so they could go out for a few hours. Firstly so pissed me off coming back in and being loud waking me up on the sofa and I told her this morning to make sure the bedroom was how she found on her arrival and she had the nerve to moan - I'd been biting my tongue all weekend but couldn't keep it in after that - so sparks flew in the bedroom.
she's so bone idle and selfish - my other sister was disgusted at her, she never even made mum so much as a cuppa all weekend.
she doesn't visit often thank the Lord :) Next time she can FTFO! I'll not be giving up my bed again - girls can come in but they can sleep downstairs.
I'm slowly starting to feel better on the medication - not really my mood but the side effects are easing off.
I also got my appt on Saturday, just 2 days after referral, for the breast clinic and it's bang on 14 days - which is brilliant.

I'm sorry your weekend has been so stressful CarbeDiem I'm glad you have your room back now and I hope it wasn't left in too much of a mess
Very pleased to hear that your appointment has come through I hope you also have a date for your first counselling appointment.
Hoping for a calm week ahead for you and your mum and sister Keeping you in my thoughts x

Thank you!
My 1st session will be next Saturday (unless they cancel again)
I also went out for lunch today - Mum wanted to after the hectic weekend, I think she didn't want me stuck in the kitchen doing it. I didn't fancy it before going but once there I did eat well and enjoyed it.
I hate that depression makes me anti-people and anti-social, I'd just rather stay at home but do recognise it's not good so will try to force myself.

Hope you've had a nice weekend x

I'm glad you have the appointment for counselling CarbeDiem - I hope it will help you
We have had a nice weekend thank you and DH is off work today. I am another one who often stays in - I have OCD. I agree that it does help to get out if you can
Well done for going out to lunch yesterday and I am glad that you enjoyed your meal.
I hope you will be able to go out somewhere today

Hope you both enjoy your Dh's day off.

I'm not in the same mood as I was yesterday. I'm still in pj's looking a mess.
Step dad has attempted to entice me out a few times but I just don't want to so him and mum are off out for a bit. He mentioned that they might have a trip to the local club tonight if mum is up to it (mum likes playing the bingo and hasn't been for ages :) ) so they'll probably ask me to go too. I don't want to at the moment but that could change.
I have to attend a surprise party on Saturday night and I'm not really feeling that at the moment neither.
Sometimes I just can't muster enough energy to force the pretence of being okay but I'm not sat here wallowing or miserable or anything, just sometimes I need to be alone and have some peace.
Tomorrow is a new day and all of that..... or how I'm currently managing - The next hour is a new hour :)

I'm sorry that you are struggling CarbeDiem I hope your mum will enjoy the bingo if she is able to go out this evening If you don't feel up to going out then I hope you'll have some rest at home and be kind to yourself - you have a lot to cope with at the moment. Thinking about you xx

Thank you

At this risk of sounding a Bossy Boots, if you went out for a bit to the club, you would have to get out of your jim-jams. Sometimes I find that taking control, getting in the shower, dressed, I start to feel a bit better. Doesn't mean it is necessarily the right thing for you, so feel free to ignore

If you went to the club, and had had enough before home time, is it near enough to get yourself home without much hassle? Thinking if the answer is yes, might make it more worth a shot. Change of scene might help you.

You're right, of course spongebob
So far I've tidied up, had a bath, washed and dried my hair, painted my manky fingers (it often cheers me up) and I'm currently sat - back in the dressing gown but minus the pj's :) so it is a step forward to how I felt a few hours back.
Still don't feel much like going out but that could change. The club is really close, just along the street.