I can't think straight

[CarbeDiem]

I just need somewhere to write this down I don't think I'm looking for an answer
I'm having such a rough time at the moment, there's a whole lot of shit landed on me recently and it appears it won't fucking stop.
My mum is dying
My long term relationship has ended
I had to leave my puppy
I'm back at my mums with no home, no job, no money and no future
Tonight I don't think I can get any lower - I earlier found a lump in my breast - I can't tell anyone or talk about it as everyone has enough on their plates right now - see above - my mum. I did tell my ex but he clearly can't deal with it.
The ex and I have just 60 minutes ago had the discussion that we can not stay in contact with each other any more because it's just so fucking painful - he's struggling hugely too and it's probably not healthy for either of us tbh.
I've cried and sobbed quietly for the last hour so that my mum doesn't hear and I've had a panic attack too - I can't calm myself down properly.
The anti-depressants that I was given last week are sat on the bed in front of me and I'm still dithering to take the first one - I'm afraid to be on them but I'm afraid to be off them too. I know I should but I just can't do it.
Who/what ever is throwing shit my way, please, I beg you to stop - I'm not strong, I can't fucking cope with any more.

Good. Glad you feeling a bit better. Sometimes, for me, it's about taking control back, iuswim. Even shaving my legs can make me feel like I have siezed control, and then I am more likely to do the next thing. Even if you don't go, you've done some positive things . Well done! :)

Yes I agree about taking back control - I actually also did shave my long overdue pits and legs earlier as well :)
I always feel better after a de-hair, a good scrub and moisturise :)

I think the club is off - don't think mum is up to it, she said she's a bit tired. She's just finished intensive radiotherapy on Friday and while fine when she was having it, she is starting to feel some of the side effects now. We'll see.
I'm upstairs in my room - I don't know if I'm just touchy or not but came upstairs out of the way for a bit.
Mum and I don't want any dinner (I'm not hungry and she's still full from something she ate this afternoon) so step-dad is having to fend for himself. Now normally when mum doesn't want dinner (she is my main concern) I'll often throw something together for him, I don't usually mind but today I just don't feel like it.

So because he's a bit of a man child and can be lazy he was huffing and puffing around the kitchen. I don't think it was aimed at me really, but just felt like it - so I took myself off and left him to get on with it.
Mum used to do everything before she got ill, including FT work and myself and my sisters have all had run ins with StepD over the years about it.
Before I came back home - he was doing most stuff for mum but seems to be trying to take a back seat now I'm there - it's not going to happen.
I sound like I'm whinging, probably am a bit. I don't normally mind doing it, it gives me something to do but on days like this I just don't need him dropping shit onto my shoulders too, not on top of everything else.
So he can huff and puff all he bloody likes :)

Yes, let him huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf! Well done for resisting :)

Apparently he fecked what he was cooking :) Mum was laughing when she came to tell me :)
There's little point in others cooking everything for him, if he doesn't learn now then he never will.
We have all now agreed that we are hungry and fancy some Indians - he's paying :) :) :)

Result :)

Shitty day today. I've been thinking about my Ex quite a lot today and I'm not sure why - I know there's no going back, I know it wasn't working I think I just miss him. We lived like friends for so long I miss him so much as my friend.

It's been a rough day for mum - her hair has began to fall out from the radiotherapy. She knew it could happen but got a shock at how much has came out, it was heartbreaking holding her as she sobbed.
We've managed to get an appt to view some wigs tomorrow, I'm hoping she finds one she likes - it's her sisters surprise party on Saturday and I know she'll feel much better with one. She's not looking forward to it and I think that's why.
The after effects of the radio are also making very very tired - she's struggling a bit at how knackered she feeling.

FFS! the tears have started again now and won't stop - I'm not even sure why.
I'm trying to think positive about mum, about me and about what I'm going to do in the future but I can't, everything just looks so black and pointless.
I know I'm mixing up my feelings towards my ex too. I can see it but can't help it - I'm doing the 'looking back on perfect' when it was FAR from, if that makes sense. I spent more time miserable than I did happy for the last few months. I'm 100% aware that it wasn't and will never be right so what the fuck am I doing for???
I know I haven't made a mistake in leaving him so don't understand why I feel this way but I want, no I NEED it to stop.

Thinking about you xxx

You're coping with an awful lot at once. It's natural to mourn the end of a relationship, including ones that have run their natural course. Let yourself do it. Let yourself cry. In time, you will start to feel better about it. Sounds like a cliche, but its true. You're being there for your mum, and that's a good thing. Sorry things are so hard right now. x

Thank you both.
I cried until I fell asleep last night but did feel a bit brighter this morning.
We're just back from picking up mums voucher for a wig - so she seems a bit brighter too. We're going tomorrow to have a look at them. I hope there's one she likes.

Bit of a brighter mood this morning. I slept a bit better than I have been but I'm still feeling the effects of these AD's settling in. Feeling dizzy, a bit sick still and tired.
I've just checked that my counselling is still on for tomorrow - it is, thank the lord.
Still not feeling like going to the party tomorrow but I can't really not go - it's for my Aunty - so 'normal face' will be forced on for a few hours.

Mum is still feeling the effects from the radio treatment - she's knackered and nodding off just an hour after getting up - I feel really sorry for her. I'm not sure she will manage to get ready for the party never mind attend - she said she'll just see how she feels tomorrow.

Glad you feel a bit better. When the AD's start working properly, you should feel better again. The counselling will help. Let us know if the party worked out.

Hope all goes well tomorrow xx

I will do.
Thank you both.
I called mums nurse today because this tiredness is so so severe and she was getting headaches again, I was worried. The nurse spoke with a Dr and they've bumped up her steroids to quite a high dose.
Hopefully it will make her feel a bit brighter, get rid of the headaches and increase her appetite to give her more energy that way too - Fingers crossed.

I'll not have a minute tomorrow, I'll be full of busy after counselling helping my cousin prep all the buffet and the party room. I'm off to TRY and get my head down.
Hope you both have a great weekend x