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Mental health

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Original poster

What's wrong with her?

33 replies

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:11

My adult dsd has some mental health issues. She has told huge lies in the past (terminal illnesses etc). She's so difficult we have felt a need to distance ourselves. We had a family event recently, she broke down saying she didn't feel part of the family. Fast forward to this week and she has made a disgusting allegation about her DF (my DH) at said family event. DH thinks the allegation more than anything else shows what a bad place she is in mentally and that she needs help. I'm not sure I can be part of it because I've taken all I can take. She mentioned years ago she was diagnosed bpd but I think it's worse. It's like she is a psychopath. How can he help her?

OP posts:

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:14

She has two dcs also and there are rumours of serious drug abuse. Her mother also has MH issues (trying not to dripfeed)

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:15

a psycohopath? do you even know what a psychopath is?

i think she needs help and support yes.

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:17

no i think you are doing stirling job of painting a really bad picture of her. drip away. Im not entirely sure what you want from this.

JontyDoggle37 · 26/04/2015 17:17

I think best first step might be to speak to a reputable mental healthy charity and see what options they might advise. They often have helplines you can call. Secondly, I would advise your DH to be very careful to always be with her when at least one other person is present, if she is making horrific and unfounded allegations, in order to protect himself.

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:18

Could the allegations be true?

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:20

I know only what I've read about psychopathy. How do we help and support someone who doesn't acknowledge any issue because they believe they are truly wonderful?

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TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:21

it doesn't sound like you like her very much. maybe leave it to her parents.

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:23

it sounds to me like she is acknowledging things. it sounds like she has had quite a bit to deal with. hopefully she will get the support and care she needs

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:24

No the allegations could not be true. Thank you jonty for good advice. I'm clear about what I want. My DH has no idea where to start in getting help for her

OP posts:

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:26

I don't like her at all
She has made our family life miserable for 20 years. Her mother is NO. How is she acknowledging things?

OP posts:

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:26

OP posts:

ButterflyWings168 · 26/04/2015 17:30

Wow. Wonder why people are thinking you don't like her.
Agree with LEM. The allegation might be true, sorry. And if not, she still needs help.
Continue to keep a distance, for her sake.

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:30

she has a diagnosus of bpd. she has made allegations about her df that i have no possible way of knowing whether they are true or not. However it sounds like she is reaching out for help.

so why not just be honest and say that actually you aren't in the slightest bit interested in helping her and just want her out of your life.

i don't think you should have posted this in mh for that reason. How old is she?

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:39

I'm being very honest. We've spent years trying to maintain a relationship with her. I have said I've reached the end of my tether. Her siblings,mother,grandparents are all no contact with her. She does very bad things and causes us a lot of pain and heartache. My DH thinks she needs some kind of residential care. Where should I have posted?

OP posts:

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:40

She's late 30. She has said she has diagnosis we don't know if this is true

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TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:45

if i am honest in return i don't think you are necessarily the right person to help her. you need to be honest with yourself.

it sounds like her family background is totally dysfunctional.

Ok so you have to be pretty bad to get residential psychiatric care. bad enough that if there are concerns that she is a danger to both herself or others then your dh needs to visit her gp and make this statement. It will be taken from there. however they will not intervene just on his say so.

You don't say how old she is

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:51

I don't why you are attacking me. I've stated clearly that I've had enough and won't be the one helping but want to support my husband. I can't list what she has done to us and others over the years but trust me it's very bad. I'm a kind person, I raised all of her younger siblings and have good relations with all of them. MyDH does fear that she's in danger and so are her children. I'll advise him about contacting her Dr.

OP posts:

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 17:51

She's late 30s

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TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 18:06

i am not attacking you. just bring honest.

the trouble is that it is nigh on impossible to help someone who doesn't want to accept help for whatever reason.

She may well be getting help if her claim of the bpd diagnosis is true.

PeppermintCrayon · 26/04/2015 19:34

Are you sure the allegation isn't true?

Original poster

SofaSpud · 26/04/2015 19:59

I am 100% sure. As are the numerous other people present who understand it's not even possible. And without any explanation needed, all know that it's a further deteriation of her behaviour

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NanaNina · 27/04/2015 01:10

BPD is a bit of a "catch all" diagnosis I think and there doesn't seem to be any effective treatment as far as meds are concerned. There is therapy specifically for BPD (can't just think of the name) - Dialectical Behaviour therapy (or something similar) but the person has to be motivated to get the best out of therapy and have some insight into the idea of the need for change. It doesn't sound like your SD does have this insight.

Is there anyone involved with your SD in relation to the children? Is she a good enough parent? Do you know if she suffered childhood trauma as this is very often the cause or a contributory factor to BPD, and people affected do seem to go through life causing difficulties for themselves and others. Maybe the lies about a terminal illness and the allegations against her dad, are ways of trying to make people feel sorry for her, rather than anything more sinister, although I accept that the allegation must be very difficult for you and your DH to bear. It sounds like she is a "victim" who does feel misplaced and doesn't know how to help herself at all.

Could her dad maybe talk to her about seeing a GP to see if there is any help/support she could get, as she does seem to be very alone in the world if all her family have distanced themselves from her. Does she have a husband or partner. I don't think there is any hope of her getting any residential care to be honest as BPD is an enduring mental health condition and psychiatric hospitals are usually for acute illnesses (psychosis and severe depression) and MH services are very stretched all over the country.

Sorry can't be more helpful - think your use of the word psychopath irked people which is why you have felt attacked. I'm sure you've done your best but sometimes we do have to draw a line under something for our own sanity. You can though support your DH in his support of his daughter.

NotAJammyDodger · 27/04/2015 08:59

Hi, BPD a complex personality disorder.
As Nana has said Dialetic Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is a form of therapy often used. If you search on You Tube there are loads of videos on the subject from both BPD sufferers and those in relationships with BPD suffers which might help you gain more insight.
Not all BPDs are willing (or financially able to go private) to get support. The NHS in some areas might provide. However, if she isn't willing to get help then it is yours and DH's choice whether to keep your relationship going with her.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 27/04/2015 09:15

Considering all the rest of this woman's family are NC with her, there is no need to attack OP.

My father is like this. Massive lies. Very self-focused. There is nothing I can do to help him. He needs to have professional help but unfortunately he won't access it and has spurned all our efforts to help.

I keep in contact and am always willing to listen but keep our lives separate enough that my family's life is affected too much. It's a tricky tightrope.

Sounds like your DSD is mentally very unwell and would benefit from some of her family being there in whatever way you can manage. If she is diagnosed, does she have a mental health team? Can your DP talk to them? Can he try and help her access professional help? This is all you can do really.

If you don't want to be involved personally, that's fine but try and support your DH and what he chooses to do.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 09:26

if your dh truly fears her children are in danger then his first step is to call social services. if he goes to her gp, the gp will do nothing other than possibly note your dh's concerns in her (third party) medical records.

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