Can someone keep me company please?

[Offred]

Just that really. Feeling very low.

I don't think he will leave me alone.

You've had a terrible time of it. Be kind to yourself, have Womens Aid said much, it sounds like you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme, I did it twice it helped enormously.

He would leave you alone eventually. Mine still tries to contact me but I block him on facebook, that's 5 years on but Ive heard very little from him in the past 3 years.

Women's aid basically said they couldn't help other than refer me to another agency for counselling which has now ended and long waiting list to get back on. GP has retired, mental health day they don't think I'm actually suicidal and so nothing they can do - is true I feel suicidal often but feel I can't because of the kids. CBT did not help because it ignored the trauma that is at the root of my issues. I don't really have anywhere else to try.

Nhs direct said go to A&E but that was a terrible plan.

I know he would go away eventually but I am worried I wouldn't be able to face making him go when I'm vulnerable like this and no support.

Each time I've given in has made me even less resilient.

You can leave you know, I've done it without any friends support you just need some help to get your confidence back. is it worth visiting your GPS again for a change of anti depressants?

Go see another GPS

*gp

Possibly. They aren't doing anything and I'm on the maximum dose. I get anxiety about GPs. I know I should try. I will try.

Yes please do you might need ti try something else now, take care of yourself

Sorry, OP, I posted once and went to do bedtime with DD.glad others turned up.
Tbh I'm afraid of having a relationship (not that I'm in an immediate danger of that ) because it going wrong would send me down the deep hole. So not much help here!

I'd record with the police your ex-twat letting himself in

How are you today Offred?

A little better. I've just allowed myself not to do anything particularly useful today which has helped. I doubt the police would be interested since shamefully it happened a year and a half ago now and I've been with him since... Silly I know.

Yesterday I had reserved a tank of helium for filling balloons with the intention of killing myself but then read about oxygen being added to the mix, I thought I'll jump off a building, said bye to my children and then discovered there's nowhere high enough so walked around a bit. Conned loads of pharmacists into giving me bucket loads of paracetamol and then chickened out of the liver failure as I'd read about ligature strangulation/nicotine poisoning... Tied the ligature round my neck and wrote a text to my ex husband saying not to let the kids in my room... Realising I will be alone on Saturday night and didn't need to risk them finding me this morning stopped me and today I do feel better.

I called the maytree retreat place after that... They will call to check up on me every couple of days.

I was building up to this last Sunday. This guy is not the cause of it. I just can't deal with him adding to it right now. I haven't eaten properly for 3 weeks, had nothing but water for 3 days... Staying away from alcohol. I don't want to be like this, I am fighting with myself on it.

He was very kind to me last week. He really was the only person I had to talk to. I took action to separate myself from him deliberately because he is unreliable in building my hopes and then letting me down and I was in danger of becoming dependent on him, I need a plan for the dog because I really am in no fit state atm but it's tough knowing/feeling his anger towards me when I'm so low. If I explained myself there is a risk he would be more angry and think I was manipulating him rather than just asking him to have some empathy so really am just stuck with this level of anger.

For some reason when he's angry he immediately jumps into thinking I'm evil and my whole life is geared around making him miserable.

He's very insecure and mistrustful of women as a consequence I think. I know the psychoanalysing is sometimes a thing people do when making excuses but it's helping me to not feel responsible as I'm prone to doing when I feel like this.

And today I'm worrying about being pregnant as I've had stress tummy and been bad at taking the pill for 3 weeks... Even stupider... I think I'd probably have to abort a pregnancy that happened now and I don't think I would want to face him over it. Probably just catastrophising as really don't feel pregnant at all.

Offred how are you this morning?

Ok. At my mum's.