I don't want to be a mum anymore

[MummySparkle]

I can't do it, and in totally exhausted. I don't know where to turn to for help. I'm still waiting to hear from the MH team and the other people involved with us are all in communication with a social worker, and that not really what I can say to them.

I just can't do it anymore. It's relentless and I never get a break from them. I love my DCs dearly, but I just haven't got any energy left to be a mum anymore

You need to go back to your gp and request the crisis team. You need immediate support while you wait for services to kick in.

So sorry you feel like this, it must be heartbreaking.

I know it sounds like the wrong thing to say. but you absolutely can say that to them. You need to be honest about the extent of your problems so they can help you. Just because you say you don't want to be a mum anymore doesn't mean they will take your children away. I'm sure many people with mental health problems have felt like this. .

It sounds like you don't have any help to get a break, is that right? it may be a stupid question but is there anyone you could ask?

Our main support is my MIL, but her DStepDad passed away a few weeks ago, and she has been obviously preoccupied and has a lot of her own stuff going on.

OH is also grieving for his DGD and suffers from anxiety. He does lots to help, but he is struggling too.

I will call the GP on Tuesday. I hate bank holiday weekends, they seem to stretch on forever. I moved house over two months ago and despite being hassled by the go, social worker, my old MH team, I've still heard nothing from my new local MH team. I feel so stranded.

I just can't do it anymore. A big part of me wants to do something to myself so I'll end up in hospital, because at least I might be able to sleep for a bit :(

I am sure your mil would not want you to struggle like this. Helping you with the kids could give her a distraction and make her feel needed/useful?

if you can't get through til tomorrow please take yourself to a & e. they can get the crisis team involved if you are honest with them. Please don't let it get to the point where you hurt yourself, make them take notice before that point.

Sending you warm wishes, you can get through this.

Thank you flanjabelle

I made it through last night. OH and I spent the evening listening to music and doing a jigsaw, so that was a good distraction.

I've been up for hours with the DCs. OH did the rely early start, and then shoved and pushed me out of bed so I'd get up with them. My meds make me feel really sedated in the mornings, so I find it hard to get up.

We are going to MILs later for lunch and to celebrate a belated Mother's Day with her. OH is going to work in a bit, I'm dreading being alone with the DCs for the morning. I don't have the energy.

I think we're going to make some cards for MiL and maybe I'll get DS to help me make some buns.

I wish I could sleep though.

I have only just seen this. hope you got through the morning ok. At least at mils this afternoon there will be help on hand. Tomorrow isn't far away now.

MILs was lovely, the DCs cards went down really well with everyone. You're right, not long til tomorrow when everything is open again after the bank holiday.

To do list for tomorrow:
Collect OHs prescription
Locate a pharmacy that has his particular medication in stock (easier said than done)
Call to apply for income support
Call MH team to chase up referral
Put a load of laundry on
Post a parcel

And that's all before arriving at my mums for 1pm

But busy is good, it gives me things to do and takes my mind off things - in theory. I'm always knackered after seeing my family. They are draining emotionally, but they are family.

I feel a little better today. Still exhausted. It's been a week since I last harmed, but the thoughts are fighting their way back in. I'm just tired of fighting them off. Sometimes I think it would be easier to do what they say, but sometimes I don't even get it right and then they taunt me even more :(

You are doing so so well. Just hang in there.

Do you think that all those things have to be done tomorrow?

I think personally your priority should be trying to see a doctor to get more urgent help. Even if you chase the referral it could still be a While. It would be great to get some extra support in the mean time. you shouldn't have to struggle on like this on your own. I have been there and it can feel impossible Just to get through the day.

When I was under the crisis team they were brilliant. They came daily to see how I was, talk it all through and help me access the help I needed. They could do the chasing up for you. They also have drs who can prescribe if necessary.

Hope tonight isn't too awful for you. You have done amazingly well today. you should be proud of yourself.

Mummy how old are you DC?

Thank you

I am quite proud of myself for today, I think the DCs enjoyed themselves too. OH and I are going to bed now, going to try and get an early night and some decent sleep.

I really have to do the income support - we are desperately in need of funds. And I promised the lady I would send her parcel. I can do that at the PO near mum, so that just a case of sticking the stuff in the car. OH has run out of his meds, so they are a priority too.

I will call the GP in the morning to see if I can get an appt. I'm going there anyway to get the prescription so it might be worth it.

I've been under the crisi team before, I'm a bit wary of having too much involvement as we currently have social services involved because I'm not coping very well.

I need petrol in my car, and I'm not sure I we have the money for it. I've just been sweeping tobacco off the counter to try and find enough to make a roll up. We've been eating random thrown together meals out of whatever's in the cupboard as I can't afford to do an online shop. the kids are fed, I've been smoking so I don't feel so hungry.

Hopefully taking my meds at an earlier bedtime will make the morning easier.

I want to harm, but unless it requires stitches it isn't worth it and I can't find anything sharp enough

I sincerely hope you feel better and more able to cope very soon, and get the support you need

I hope you got through the night without harming. What time do your docs open?

Please don't worry about asking for more help re social services, the more you engage with services, the better it looks for you. they want to see you seeking out the help you need, not letting things get out of control. It's ok, mental health problems does not mean unfit mother. It just means you are unwell. I know it's scary, but the more you ask for help and work with them, the better it looks.

Do you have a very young baby? op I think you have to have a baby under 15 weeks or be a carer for IS otherwise it's ESA you need to apply for.
Hope today is easier for you, do contact you MH team.

Also when do you get more money? If you are struggling could you ask your hv to refer you to a food bank? Going hungry is not good for you. It can cause anxiety on its own, let alone when you are already poorly.

I've located a box of OH's medication, will pick them up this afternoon.

I checked last night, my DLA comes through today - yay! so petrol for the car and an online food shop later.

My OH gets carers allowance for me, so he is elegable for IS. I called but they cant do it unless he is the one that calls (despite us being a family - grr!)

I feel a little bit brighter this morning. I have asked for a call back from my GP.

DS is 2 and a little bit, DD is 10months.

I struggled to sleep last night. I felt restless and i couldnt stop my feet from tapping. We were disturbed lots in the night by the DCs coming in and out, and they got up early this morning. OH took DS downstairs so i had a bit of a lie in (with DD grabbing at my face...)

I'm about to call the MH team, i dont really know what to say but I'll give it a go

Some mh drugs can cause restless legs. I used to suffer terribly when I took quetiapine.

How did the call go?

It was engaged twice, I haven't tried since.

Had a nightmare afternoon. The pharmacist couldn't give me OH's meds as they were out of date, so I've just had a mad phone around and rushed to get some more before pharmacies shut.

I think it was more anxiety casing the tapping. Moving physically seems to stop my head from spinning a bit.

I spoke to my GP, he is going to chase up the MH team again, said he would get backs me today. He is disappointed they haven't contacted me sooner. Going home now to a pissed off OH because I'm 2 hours late and because I fucked up his meds :(

I fucked up. I bought some stuff at boots earlier and I harmed. I felt guilty and told OH. I was going to get it sorted out in the morning. OH insisted on going now. He wouldn't let me drive or go by myself so has woken the DCs up to come in the car too.

I feel horrendous for creating this whole situation. Fuck

Thought everything was sorted. OH has forgiven me and we got home about 5am. I was just getting the DCs settled when we had a call from social services at 6am saying i cant be alone with the DCs and theyre sending someone around ASAP.

I don't know what's going on and I'm scared. I've been awake for 24hrs so far, i dont know when anyone is coming

Oh sweetheart. Is your dh with you? It might be a blessing in disguise, they will help you. Please try to keep calm. can you get a little bit of sleep before they come?

Work with them, not against them. They are there to help you.

OH is asleep in bed, he has work today and has been awake all night. I just spoke to the social worker, they're coming in 30 - 45mins.

I had a catnap on the sofa, but woke up to the DCs having completely destroyed the jigsaw we were doing. There are pieces everywhere, I really really hope nobody has eaten any (I wouldn't put it past either DC or the dog)

I've been trying to tidy the house since the phone call. There is a mountain of washing up. DD slept through everything, but DS was awake most of the time but sitting quietly in the waiting room. He is overtired and an absolute nightmare this morning. I don't know what is going to happen and I'm scared

It's going to be ok, just try to keep calm. The social worker will not be concerned by normal family Mess. They would be concerned with poo/wee on the floor, filthy Children, lack of apparopriate clothes and bedding, real neglect not a normal messy home. They are human and they will understand that you are struggling at the minute.

Just talk honestly with them with the view to finding out how they can help you as you have been let down by the mh team. It will be ok. You have made the right steps to get the help you need, you obviously love your children. you are just unwell and that is not your fault.

It's completely normal to be scared of the unknown, just take it one step at a time x

Mummy I'm thinking of you. I hope they can put some support in place for you and the MH team can help too.

Please be honest when the SW comes. They have a duty of care to you and your children and they are there to help. I hope you can get through this and get well. MH difficulties really suck.