Some bitch has told dss that my dp is living here (he's not) and I dont know what we can do

[pesha]

Had interview at job centre today and because of this I now have 3 weeks to discuss with dp whether he moves in or not, if he does no problems, if he doesnt they leave it but if whoever makes another complaint then they'll start surveillance and if they feel he's staying here too much even if hes not living here then they can stop my money.
We've known each other for just over 4 yrs and our son is 3 but he had what was pretty much a breakdown (cant think of any other way to describe it) and cheated on me with 2 people over nearly a 2 yr period and also got himself deeply in debt and our relationship was obviously very much on and off. We finally got back together around march this year and things have been getting much better but we're still working on it, building things up slowly. And im 15 wks pregnant. We talked bout him moving in but what with the way things are and finances and my horrendous ms meaning it be very hard for me to get a job now we decided we'd wait. I was going to start an open university course in jan and planning on doing more so that when i do go back to work i can get a better paid job as at the moment i have next to no qualifications and only experience of waitressing and telesales.
Both my last pregnancys were ruined by AND and then PND and i so wanted this one to go right with no major stresses and problems and id actually thought that it might.
So ive worked out our money and if he moved in and i didnt work once we've paid all our bills and debts we'd have ?7 a month to pay for food clothes etc and get ?237 a yr child tax credit no working tax credit. So if i did work id have to earn enough after tax to pay for food clothes entertainment and to save up for extras like bdays xmas and emergencies for 2 adults and 2 children, despite having ms as bad as with my dd and with her i was signed off work sick for all but about 3 months of my pg and id have to work fo 26 wks to qualify for maternity allowance which then would prob not be enough to live off. Plus I'd lose free milk and prescriptions and dentists costs and would no longer get maternity grant which im counting on.
Or he doesnt move in and he limits coming round to 2 nights a week, just when he's really starting to build up good bonds with dcs and even then i have my suspicions who has said this and i think she'll still go and say something if she sees us together even once so then we're in shit again.
I know there are gonna be people who think i deserve this and im living off their taxes while they work hard but this isnt how i planned my life and this isnt how i planned it to stay its just how its worked out I was planning my way out of it i wanted to do these courses and get myself a career so we wouldnt have to be shit poor for ever.
And now im left with he moves in and i forget everything i wanted and we struggle to make our relationship work under the added of pressure of no money and this baby becoming a problem rather than a good thing or we pretty much break up.
Im sorry this is so long and i dont really know what anyone can say but i needed to get it out i was so angry that someone would do this for no reason at all cos there is noone ive fallen out with and now im just really upset cos i dont know what to do and feels like everything is falling apart and i so wanted this to be a happy pregnancy

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So you get more money if you decide not to work?!?!?

But you want a better life?!?!?!

How?!?!?!

Why did you go for a third pregnancy if you new you couldn't afford one?!?!?!

Do not understand what you are asking? Compassion, financial help?

If he does move in you would still be entitked to WFT and Chidl tax credit. You could also renegotiate his credit repayment plan because of teh change in curcumstances

Tbh I think it's outrageous that anyone thinks they have the right to snoop on your private life. Yes, I understand that the benefits agency has rules blah blah blah but I think the idea of some petty bureacrat demanding every detail of your sex life is so outrageous it trumps the resentful 'ooh, that woman's on benefits and has a partner, how dare she' line of argument. Bet the benefits agency person wouldn't tell you how often his girlfriend stays over!

Go and see the Citizen's Advice Bureau for some independent advice - they know the benefits system backwards, their advice is free and they will act in your interests.

Just wrote really long msg and internet disconnected and lost it all will try again.

Edam, thank you. I have made an appointment to see my new deal advisor about me going back to work without dp moving in to see what money i would get and what help and what happens when i have baby. But if i do work ill get wftc and come off IS so then its nobodys business what i do but my own. But if that doesnt go well i will go to CAB, in fact i may go anyway to find out all my options and dont know how easy its going to be finding a job anyway.

Gothicmama - according to online calculator we would not got any wftc if he moved in. I will however contact CCCS to find out about renegotiating his DMP, thank you I hadnt thought of this. Atm its still in the early stages, his accounts are defaulting before they can look at his offer and decide whether or not to accept reduced payments so not sure if we can do anything yet or have to wait but i will contact CCCS on monday.

Mum2fd - I dont get more money not working but only a very small amount more if i do work.
Yes i do want a better life, this is not the lifestyle i grew up with or i planned for and its not how i intend to stay but ive had alot of problems and this is where ive ended up. I am well aware alot of people look down on me for being in this situation and i dont like it, I want to make more of my life and i konw i can but ive spent a long time dragging myself out of depression and i am not prepared to push things and risk falling back into that again. I want to be a good mummy to my children, i think thats much more important than money and social standing, and for a while i wasnt a good mummy and i wont risk that happening again.
But i was planning on getting us a better life, as i said i was goingto start an O.U. course in jan, not a big step i admit but with a baby on the way big enough i felt and then hopefully do more next year. Im the first person in my family not to get a degree and I want to change that and i want to be someone my children can respect, the other day my dd said mummy your job is washing up isnt it . But im not sure how i can do this now.
I was asking for advice if anyone had any and i just wanted to rant somewhere as there isnt really anyone in RL i can talk to about this in so much detail, Im not very good at talking bout my feelings, i dont like people to know my weaknesses. Im very good at telling other people to talk and listening but dont take my own advice!

HappyMO2 I do understand peoples view, when i had my dd i was living with my fiance and working with a mortgage to pay and we were really struggling and only just getting by on our own with no benefits. I was half way through registering to be a child minder so i could work without leaving my dd. But we split up, i had to move out cos he wouldnt and so I ended up on income support. When i was working i did at times resent people who were on benefits and seemed to have more money than we did. But I would never have presumed to know the ins and outs of their life and relationship so well to think I had a right to decide how they should live their lives. (Sorry thats a clumsy sentence, i cant get my brain round what i want it to say!Hope you know what i mean)

Sorry this is so long but this whole situation is getting to me and is running round my head alot at the mo so i have alot to say about it and you lucky people are my outlet!

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So i should have an abortion even though this baby will be loved and looked after because its not financially viable?!

No i haven't looked at that website i looked at the official inland revenue website. as i said wftc just looks at income and takes no account of debts. but i will try the website you suggested, thankyou.

Does your partner have to pay part of your benefits as they are his children?

my friend was told by income support that her boyfriend could stay 1 night a week.thats what i was told in august too when i went onto income support.

if he moves back in then finance companies would have to alter the arrangeent for his other commitments and reduce the payments.

dont be bullied into having him move back but if you do then make sure you go through all the right channels and declare it.there are so many people that you wouldnt even think of that would shop you

pesha i really feel for you and hope you are ok it sounds like you are having a very tough time and that benefits are only increasing the pressure on a relationship which has already gone thru a great deal. i would be in a similar situation with my dp (he doesn't have a penny ) if he had'nt currently had some kind of a breakdown too and disappeared on me, leaving me pg and with dd (almost 4) and nfi where he is! so i can empathise with you, i really can. money worries are the very last thing you need to be your first priority and i agree with you totally that whoever reported you is small-minded and petty, because for a start, they're wrong, he isn't living there currently! grrr

luckily i'm self-employed and on tax credits and i earn just enough to be out of this loop currently however i fear i may be in exactly your situation if and when dp does decide to come back.

i agree with Piffle 100% about keeping him at arms length till you know you can fully trust him, and that ties in with not living together full time yet. make sure he has a place of residence somewhere else and keeps it, and stays over regularly whether it's 2 or 3 nights, whatever you are allowed.. in the meantime try to strengthen your relationship so that trust builds up, it might actually be easier to do this without him living with you all the time, less claustrophobic maybe? i don't know, just talking from my own experience mainly..

i have to say that i completely disagree with happymumof2 and mum2funkydude that you shouldn't go on with a pregnancy if your financial situation and/or relationship are not in an ideal state. my god, if this was the case, the abortion rate, already FAR too high in this country, would go thru the roof.

pregnancies happen in all kinds of circumstances and for all kinds of reasons, some are 100% planned, some are 100% unplanned, many are somewhere in the middle.. people with little money have just as much right to compassion and understanding as people who are loaded.. it is all too easy to sit in judgement on others without imagining how on earth you might cope yourself in that situation..

to me it sounds as if pesha is one tough lady and is doing a fantastic job of holding it all together in very difficult circumstances, she needs a pat on the back, not criticism imo

if anyone told me that essentially i should have had an abortion for those reasons i'd be and . well actually people have said that to me thinking about it. 'why did you get pregnant if your relationship had cracks in it?' personally i don't even dignify this kind of thing with a response.

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i was told that the father of my two kids who is still my boyfriend but living elsewhere for certain reasons couldnt stay more than 1 night a week or it would be classed as he was living here and would have to declare it all and support us etc.

it could be different in different areas and to be honest im never too sure that the information given out is correct.

id contact the income support and ask tehm exactly what you are and arent allowed to do in the situation that you're in.

you need time to rebuild your relationship and to build trust.dont be forced into having him back or anything else that you arent ready for.

i was told that he could visit every day but couldnt stay overnight and sleep here except 1 night.he could stay until whatever time and then leave but couldnt sleep here all night

Sorry to hear of your problems pesha. I work for a housing benefit section and know for sure that no-one within the Benefits Agency or anywhere else really cares what your individual situation is - I don't mean that to sound uncaring, like they don't care if you're having problems - but just that they don't collect the details of your life because they're particularly interested. They have one duty only and that's to make sure you are truly entitled to your benefit.

The main reason they have to do this is because if they paid it to you for years, and then were given enough evidence to suggest that your dp was using your house as his main residence, they would then have to claim it back from you. Claiming back benefit overpayments from people is costly and a hassle - and would be extremely stressful for you, if you're already struggling financially.

You need to get a money advisor from the CAB or similar advice centre to work out exactly what would be coming in and what Working Tax Credit etc you would be entitled to if your dp moved in, and make the decision based on that. It's not an ideal time for you to look for work, so I do have lots of sympathy for you. Also under different circs you could have your dp move in for a trial period to see if things worked out between you etc - unfortunately the benefits system does not accommodate that. Get all the information you can, then think about what will be best for all of you as a family - I am sure you are anyway.

happymumof2 apologies if that's not what you meant, but it seemed implicit in what you were saying.. and pesha certainly took it to mean that.. as for family planning, obviously it is all well and good but sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes the family you planned doesn't quite work out the way you planned it

cooooeeee weaselmum you still there!!!!

can i ask you something pleeeeeese.

im hoping you might be able to confirm something for me: that i dont need to inform housing that csa payments are being received from my ex AS the money is apparently going straight to tony blair now and i get £10 a week discounted money.

i have phoned housing benefit and they werent aware of this new ruling apparently

thing is, once you ARE pregnant, you then have to work out what to do and how to make the best of it, that's the point here surely..

sorry for hijacking your thread pesha

hi 7UP - sorry I haven't heard of this new rule - I've been on mat leave for 6 months tho so it could well be something I've missed. Safest to tell them anyway I think?

oh ok weasel,i have tried telling them but they say theyve never heard of it and csa say its what happens now! i havent received any money anyway, but apparently it will be £40 a month which i hope wont affect my housing benefit, im sure it wont

if you can persuade the csa to put it in writing for you, that's what I would do, then send the letter to the hb dept - would sort it out hopefully x

thanks weasel, they said theyd send me a letter of the breakdown and where the money has gone (tony) and the £10 a week id get and they said id get the letter on tuesday at the latest and.....guess what i never got it!!!!grrrrrr.

cheers anyway