can't carry on, no help available

[elementofsurprise]

Services hate me and won't help*, can't deal with their patronising passive aggresive techniques, can't talk to anyone in personal life as so much effort to be understood and no energy left so will just scream and throttle someone if they don't get it.

In bed, have been all day, between vague/dissociated and loosing chunks of time to shaky, terrified sick and huge urges to overdose and die. Not used to to strong suicidal urges, though logically it seems a good idea. Probably won't, but had to self harm earlier to prevent it.

Nowehere to turn, called GP they said he'd call back but hasn't, crisis team fob me off, feel like a worthless burden and waste of space no-one wants.

Trying to get any help is just merry-go-round send from pillar to post, I have NO ENERGY LEFT no-one gets it, I CANT COPE with any more, had to ask someone to drop off pet food (no DC yet). I can't jump through their stupid hoops anymore, i cant cope with 5+hrs in A&E ust to be fobbed off again, I can even hold a fucking conversation without wanting to smash my head in the wall.

*there's another thread bout this, can't find it now sorry, basically they won't help and have asked GP not to refer me

I know I am seriousy depressed and dealing with anxiety and trauma but none of it is diagnosed cos they dont want to help me. I see therapist privately but she can't arrange other supportive stuff obvs as she has no influence over the system.

I have no personal support anymore (was shaky at best) due to friends circumstances, have to put on a face and pretend and be good company so I dont loose any (more) friends. I have to fake it always, talk myself up, delude myself in my own head that it's ok really, and im exhausted.

Even a DP to cuddle or a good friend I could speak to would help it's just i've been encouraged by everyone & the MH system to bottle it up and pretend to be fine/force myself to keep going otherwise I've 'failed'... the services treat it as a personal failing when I struggle, like im 'misbehaving' or something. I feel guilty asking for/needing help, or anyone's time, and they basically confirm this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think others can relate to your experience of how you're being treated, I know I can . My situation has improved recently by starting a new antidepressant, I moved gp's and they've asked the mh services to get involved again and I had a long think and wrote down what wasn't helpful and what I thought might be helpful. I'm very lucky I have been assigned a nice cpn. I know what you mean about hoop jumping I said to my cpn it's like a huge maze with the golden 'help' at the end but it's impossible to navigate avoiding all the trap doors to get there and if you don't know what will help you they don't have any ideas. I no longer ever call out of hours. Out of hours are the times I've spoken to the nastiest people. Some are lovely and really helpful, but it's pot luck and speaking to a nasty one makes things worse.

Don't know what I can say to help but bumping for you and hope that someone can come along for you.

I know a mistake I've made in the past is, having had a bad experience with some staff/services, I've assigned the thoughts I am sure those particular people have about me to all the staff. Do you think there might be an element of that in your thinking? Maybe if you could try again and ask to be assigned one person? Is that a possibility? Sorry if i'm being no use at all

I can also relate to what you're saying to a certain extent. I've had a couple of good experiences, but mostly it's been diabolical. One person I spoke to even told me I was allowing my abuser to carry on abusing by not reporting it to the police.
The only person I trust/feel close to is my psych. But he can't be on the other end of a phone all the time. He has other patients and that's not his job.
Is there any way you could complain about the way you've been treated? Could you contact PALS?

I can't complain cos it requires too much effort when I can't even eat properly (have eaten a piece of toast and prompty vomited from nerves) and even breathing feels hard at points, person who brought pet food asked what was up with my legs, realised I was stumbling round with knees half bent, holding onto things. Mainly curled up in bed with time passing and brain disconnected so ridiculous effort and sickness feeling to come back to reality and focus on anything. Taken many hours to check this thread and this message is being typed bit by bit.

Also started complaint months ago with advocacy people, the draft letter wasn't very good, they would chew it up and spit it out, whilst I'd get another black mark against my name. They will only investigate complaints that are about a specific incident, within the past year. A catalogue of failure tht revolve around staff refusing to actully address/notice/listen to the presenting issues, and writing factually untrue stuff in your notes, refuing to engage with you, etc... that is neatly set up to be impossible to complain about. Because they write the notes, they say one thing and write something different in letters, they won't tell me the truth (GP lets me see the unedited versions of the letters), they have the last word by going "It's a clinical decision". Ugh, I want to smash that smarmy cows face in just thinking about it. (Head of CMHT, even the staff hate her, she makes sure I dont get help).

Services view is sort of "You're fucked, but we can't help you". They write nasty things about me and expect me to be able to cope with so much, like dealing with their bullshit and being polite when I've gone to them for help precisely cos I cant take anymore. Their letters swirl around my head like theyve been scratched into my soul with a rusty knife as they laugh at me for being so worthless. The lie and condemn and I have no way to fight back or speak up for myself because they are bullies and accountable to no-one.

GP called back and was nice at least though can't do anything, spoke to nice crisis team lady after, nice as in one who has listening skills, empathy and doesn't appear to resent patients. Feel like I'm pathetic, lapping up kindness and not realy deserving it, but at the same time I know what helps and I know how I'd treat someone who felt like this... but at the same time feel I'm not worthy of being treated kindly and people/professionals seem to confirm this. Like when you try to be good to yourself, have some self respect, they just trample you back down and think it's attention seeking or overly demanding. There's no way to ask for help and get it, because when you need it you don't have the energy to fight for it. Also fighting for it means people can't see how worthless you feel, because you're standing up for yourself/feeling you deserve kindness so they just criticise.

I dont understand why people always bang on about reaching out for help and things like that. Really everyone wants you to not bother them and will get cross and pile on more expectations. No-one seems to understand that right now I CANT TAKE ANY MORE, AT ALL. I can't even stay focussed in reality because it's too painful and overwhelming. I can't be patient anymore trying to explain things to people who want to fob me off, blame me, anything except WANT to understand and be kind. I'm way beyond the "make an appt. with your GP" stage. I can't saunter over to a friends house, can't deal with someone else also needing to talk about their problems (I know this is unfair and not mutual but its horrific when someone seems to care and offers you a chance to chat then you end up having to put an act on and counsel them). I dont trust myself to ask anyone in real life for help anymore because I will just lose it with them unless they actually care and expect NOTHING of me. I cant take being blamed anymore, or told Im doing something wrong. Im seriously depressed, ffs, has no-one else ever heard of it/the symptoms/what to do?

I've done what everyone wants and kept things hidden as much as possible, forced myself to keep going, talked myself up etc. until I have literally nothing left to give. Nothing. Like a car if you've ignored the fuel light, eventually it will just stop.

Im sorry, I feel sick and guilty if I tell anyone how I feel. Why am I bad and not allowed hugs and love and kindness or allowd to be sad? It is the same all my life, i must cover it up but i thought services would help, but they also think i am bad. Sorry better go slipping into child speak time

God OP, I really feel for you. I can feel all your pain, anger and frustration pouring off the page. And you have every right to feel all of those things. You've been treated appallingly. And not just by the mental health team by the sounds of it.
Do you take any medication?

captaincake the problem is, they're all heavily influenced by the other staff/crap in my notes. They've asked the GP TWICE not to re-refer me. it's been 4.5 yrs of seeking help from them, i've had so many assessments, yet no treatment. I once had a CPN for a few months but that was almost 4 yrs ago. I had another worker allocated to me last year, she seemed nice and I thought It'd be ok, but she just became like all the others, not taking me as I am, making me feel I am inadequate and setting impossible conditions. Eg. she expected me to be able to get to appointments, and refused home visits, it was me who had to be the adult and suggest phone appointments - and she still pressured me about attending in person, even just after I had explained (yet again) that I easily sucumb to pressure like this and say I can do something when I cant. She sort of listened but it didnt inform her practice at all, as if she had no memory or something. She said we weren't getting anywhere and discharged me, but that was because I had to keep going over the basics with her because she never took them in! Also the evil bitch woman (head of CMHT) had allocated her to me specifically to do DBT skills. DBT is incredibly inappropriate for me, it's stuff I know about relating to people, but what I needed was help with depression/anxiety/trauma or experiences I've not got over. They want me to 'cope' with the pain, I want rid of it. I KNOW how to act around others, and I've been doing it really bloody well (and yes, they congratulate me for not showing any upset and pretending to be fine, and sound accusatory if I need help), and I always look on the bright side, talk myself up etc etc bloody etc. But living like that 24/7 with no-one to hug you or say "well done" or to talk to... it's impossible to keep up. Ive nothing left. I do have friends but for one reson or another I cant talk to them, it's more stress because they get cross/dont understand/want to load their problems on me/think im not trying hard enough if the mask slips/have their own highly dysfunctional stuff going on/etc.

bisleyboy thank you, sorry, this is helping a bit x

Are you having any therapy element?

Also I do see a private therapist but thats ground to a halt as Im not coping day-to-day anymore. The NHS will never provide the therapy I need, it's more the general support stuff I could do with a hand with. Even just to have them be vaguely nice so I don't have to deal with all the horrible ways they make me feel.

When the crisis team lady was kind, it helped. She didn't minimise or invalidate me. I feel like it's a bad thing to need others to be kind, is it?

Like I feel I should be fine/'love myself' enough not to need someone else to remind me/help me do it/give me a break, as it were. Like I'm emotionally immature and needy cos actually, it would help immensely if I say, had a loving partner or something. (Obvs wouldn't fix anything, but eg. my ex used to cuddle me and say nice things and stuff when I awoke feeling awful from nightmares... it was so soothing... like being thirsty and finally getting a drink)

And I think I fucked up with the therapist, had appt. over phone as couldn't get there, ended up shouting and her and hanging up which has never happened before. I just couldn't take anymore, no more strength to explain to someone who doesn't seem to get it. Obvs therapy is not the same as practical and/or emergency help, so I guess all she can do is 'therapise' (?!) She usually is great, it's just people dont see to understand the absolutely-at-the-end-even-talking-is-hugely-draining thing. I feel like I've got a limb hanging off, bleeding to death, and everyone is bemused and pressing elastoplast on me.

A good therapist should be able to take a client shouting at them on the chin. She will know it's not personal to her, but a part of your illness. I had a right go at my psych once and he was still nice to me and still understanding!
Can I ask what you've been diagnosed with exactly element?
I can hear/read a lot of anger and frustration and that's ok.

Firstly I will say I have doe a LOT of reading books/articles/blogs/psych studies around all this, and I disagree with the entire classification system, and the way it's used. However if presed I would diagnse myself with depression/anxiety with Complex PTSD. That fits.

Sevices decided a decade ago I had BPD (well actually I think the GP pre-diagnosed, as they were awful to me from the start). This was when that got you told you weren't mentally ill and just bad and attention seeking and should grow up. I was in an abusive relationship and they just cosied up with him and he was offered support for being with such an awful person whilst I was offered nothing. Even when I was homeless they made sure the council didnt help me. There were worse things but I wont write in case I out myself. I keep remembering the smarmy ugh solicitor who seemed to lick his lips as he told me he'd read my medical notes in detal from when I was tiny. Sorry thats a bit random its all in my head now. I want to tell somebody and them to cuddle me and not let the bad people hurt me anymore

Im sorry, not sure what happened there, sometimes a little very sad me is in my head. It's not DID, btw, just a little bit like that.

Anyway, I went through awful experiences and just trying to hold it together, make life better, that sort of thing. Took a few years to be settled, obvs life was way better and I was happier without horrible stuff happening, so I thought I'd 'got better' (it all origianally started in early/pre teens but I didn't want to be in trouble to tried to hide it). Theres more memories spilling into my head as I type. I dont want to lock them away again I want to tell someone.

Anyway after things being absolutely mint for a while - better than id ever thought possible - then I broke down, but differently from before. This seems to be because I finally had a chance to work through the stuff cos I was finally 'happy' iyswim. That's when the memories really started.

I dont think I ever fitted BPD criteria though, not even the first time I tried to get help. I dont understand why they did that to me. But then they treat you like shit and if you speak up you're apparently demanding = BPD, if you try to speak to someone else (or have someone bck you up), that's manipulative = BPD, if you self harm to cope after trying to get help first and failing, it = BPD in their minds (very mild SH here, recently started again after years of not.) The way they treat people with BPD actually would provoke BPD-like behaviours in most people who are vulnerable.

I could write reams on BPD and how its misunderstood victim blaming but I wont.

Anyway at some point the BPD label was removed and now I have no diagnosis at all, but professionals act as if/have some unspoken thing that I have BPD. Don't want to press this as that guarantees I'll get lumped with BPD officially for being disagreeable. I did explain to my last MH team worker that I didn't fit the diagnosis and she agreed my presenting problem seemed to be depression but wouldn't translate that into anything (like I said, she sort of gave the impression of understanding but without that having any effect. I bet her reports would be the same if I'd sent a mannequin to the appointments). I think only psychs can diagnose and as everythings cut, psychs are expensive so they wont bother.

Its horrific to be regarded as a manipulative, vindictive attention-seeker who does dramatic things for fun and can't control/hide her emotions and doesn't give a shit about people. Its impossible to ask for help as its seen as misbehaving. They will accusingly say "But you've been fine for ages" and not get that no contact isn't the same as 'fine'. Its literally impossible... I cant stand up for mself because thats wrong and "entitled" and gets their backs up and 'proves' I dont need help. But if I don't... well I wither away, in bed two days now, long past the light at the end of the tunnel. Im so sorry for being so hopeless, but I don't see how I'll get the support I need from the system (it is sfer to stay away, I was incredibly close to suicide after speaking to crisis team early yesterday morning), and I cant get it from friends or a partner until I've made new ones and known them years which can't happen until I'm fine...

From your posts I can see that you're an incredibly intelligent and articulate person and you have a lot to say. It seems that there's a lot of pain there. A lot of pain. Do you find that writing some things down here is helpful?

Sort of releases it but not for long, then there's a bleak picture spelled out in black and white, I just feel so awful wish someone cared, eveythin ponts to me being not the same as others and worth less, why can't I be hugged why am I blamed for hurting?
Want to die can't think straight

You feel that you're different from others because of what you've been through? That it makes you different from everybody else?

I feel different because I dont seem to be worth the same consieration as others. It feels like other people are allowed to be depressed and I'm just bad. I get blamed and punished for not coping and must hide it more and more. I wish I could have been one of the normal people or one who gets cuddles or something. It was much easier to cope and begin to work through the painful past when I had friends I could talk to. Why am I bad? How am I supposed to feel worth something when I'm forced to bottle everything up and put on an act? If I feel worth something I am very angry with people for being so horrible to someone suffering. They want me to feel good to please them but show me i'm worthless. I jut wanted to be good enough, why am i bad? why cant i have the love i give to others? why am i bad for struggling?

I cant ask anyone for help becaue no-one understands, they all expect me to give more. Like GPs saying "what do you want me to do?" I dont want drs, either, its horrific to be so worthless you cant talk to a friend but must be sent away to a dr who doesn't care and doesnt know you. I have moments and i know i just need a little love and care and someone to help remind me im not worthless, but one cant ask for this because if you're able to ask that it negates needing it in people's minds. Also this state doesnt last long then i shrink away in shame inside myself and curl up and pray to die. When people dont care it hurts more so i am tryuly alone as i cnnot ut the fac on anymore. i wish i was one of the people allowed love and allowed to be sad not blamed

I feel sick and guilty as soon as I say anything. It's impossible to ask for help. Then I have to be able to cope interacting with the 'helper' on their terms. im sorry, im sorry

Asking for help makes me feel worse and more guilty but the sensible part of my brain knows what I need. I feel I shoud just curl up and wait to die, not bother anyone, but if I do that I lose the battle I have fought for so long.

People want me to keep fighting but not offer the support I need. This makes me feel very inadequate.. damned if I do (fight on, stand up for myself, ask for help) and damned if I don't (hide, get more isolated, self-harm, blamed for not trying).

I feel physically ill, I cant manage my shopping or anything right now, i'm so frightened its reached a stage way beyond what help I could get - if it's gone downhill from bottling things up/no-one to talk to, i've no chance of more intense support, you see.
Im so sorry, im sorry, im not trying to be bad. please tell me how to be good enough or how to get help without people being angry or fobbing me off

It is bad enough dealing with the memories and things, but not getting support/being blamed or made to feel inadequate for struggling/having to wear a mask to be acceptable is a whole other layer on top. This is what makes it hopeless.

I cant work on my issues cos i'm always dealing with having to keep up the 'performance' which obviously crashed a couple of days ago (seen it coming for 2 months) or deal with people making me feel worse. Sort of dealing with al the secondary stuff, IYSWIM, not the actual problem.

I wonder if it might be worth paying for a private psych consultation in order to get a solid diagnosis? I understand that it's not always possible financially, but you say you were paying for therapy and currently aren't attending, so perhaps if you save on the costs of the therapy it might be affordable for one or two sessions? The rationale would be that a private psych would have the authority to make a diagnosis, but therapists can't. Hopefully with a diagnosis from a psych with a good reputation (that way they can't argue it was only given because you paid for it) that would trigger appropriate help from NHS services.

I know people who have taken this route for health issues and other areas of mental health and it's far quicker than trying to deal with NHS services. It seems to me that the NHS will shy away from diagnosis from all areas (not just MH) if they can, but once something is diagnosed privately then they can't refuse to offer treatment just because you've taken the private route.

I don't know how to get people to see you as being good enough, I wish I did as you so clearly are. My experience of you is of an extremely intelligent and sensitive person who has gone through a lot and is understandably in a lot of pain.
The pain and suffering is so plain to see in your writing that reading it makes my eyes fill with tears for you.