can't carry on, no help available

[elementofsurprise]

Services hate me and won't help*, can't deal with their patronising passive aggresive techniques, can't talk to anyone in personal life as so much effort to be understood and no energy left so will just scream and throttle someone if they don't get it.

In bed, have been all day, between vague/dissociated and loosing chunks of time to shaky, terrified sick and huge urges to overdose and die. Not used to to strong suicidal urges, though logically it seems a good idea. Probably won't, but had to self harm earlier to prevent it.

Nowehere to turn, called GP they said he'd call back but hasn't, crisis team fob me off, feel like a worthless burden and waste of space no-one wants.

Trying to get any help is just merry-go-round send from pillar to post, I have NO ENERGY LEFT no-one gets it, I CANT COPE with any more, had to ask someone to drop off pet food (no DC yet). I can't jump through their stupid hoops anymore, i cant cope with 5+hrs in A&E ust to be fobbed off again, I can even hold a fucking conversation without wanting to smash my head in the wall.

*there's another thread bout this, can't find it now sorry, basically they won't help and have asked GP not to refer me

Dear elementofsurprise

you have bought tears to my eyes as BisleyBoy says, as you write as my son speaks.

I cannot offer anything intelligent or hopeful. I can't put it into words.

I am standing from the other side, watching this pain from him, we have exhausted all help.....

I just wanted you to know that someone else can hear you.

Thank you.

I am very sorry to hear abut your son igotaway, I think the mental health services are really damaging a lot of peope by being rubbish... more damaging than if there wasn't theoretically help available, in a way. Because being let down at the last point is horrific. Over the years it seems people have become more psychologicaly-minded, more open in that way... but the system hasn't. So it's a shock and if you're young and frightened with no-one to tell you the ropes you're very vulnerable to being traumatised/re-traumatised by the system.

Not sure if that makes full sense... It is good your son has you.

I always think a lot of people just need 'love' - with 'love' being someone who thinks you're worth a lot, someone who will give you a hug or listen or just want to try to understand. I think this is the thing that makes the most difference in the dark times, and in the long run.

I'm finding it so hard that I started therapy and sort of began to pull out all the memories and get somewhere... but then ongoing, daily stuff (like horrible letters when discharged from CMHT) have been takng all my energy to deal with, bottling it up unable to talk to anyone has compounded it. So theres all this stuff in my head, it's all there, and I'm better at standing up for myself than a year ago... but that's not actually helpful now. Because my head and body are flooded out with pain, and people/servics dont like someone who can stand up for themselves but is still vulnerable. They say in therapy people around you resist the change, and it's really true! But when you still need their support to some extent (ie. to talk to/have a rant if it's getting a bit much) and you can ony have their support if you frame everything their way, which you know is actively unhelpful...

How old is your son btw?

This is almost definitely might be an inappropriate suggestion but it has helped me a bit with services. I just take the piss... imagined writing a job ad for the Crisis Team ("Must come supplied with own trite phrases" "Inability to empathise essential"), coming up with 'experiments' like getting psychs to covertly diagnose each other but not let on that they're both psychs (so they can wind each other up, provoke each other, and write things about the other being "disagreeabe" or "not respecting authority" etc.) Sorry to any decent mental health workers out there... But it's a bit like that therapeutic bit where you slag off your ex and realise you're better without him.

But someone to share a hug and ... care ... that would be nice.

Still feel sick, still in pain, still nowhere to turn. Sorry for being rubbish and ot feeling better yet. I don't think I can bear my birthday coming, it's 30 and this was the cut off point. I need to find a way to die, as a decade persuing the other route hasn't worked. This makes me even more sad, I wanted to be a happy ending one

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting on your thread for a bit element.
It seems you're having a bad time again at the minute aren't you? Do you think you could say exactly what you're thinking?

I get the feeling you have a great need to get all your feelings out there and to know that someone is listening.

Hey Element

mental health services are shit where we live too - please, no disrespect to those that benefit from the service, or to those that do their best.
but really, when you are presented with a 'coffee morning attitude' it breaks my heart.

talking about the feelings of a grape during cbt does not help the average 23 year old male, who is 50 times more intelligent than you, is not going to help. THEN being told - 'gosh I don't know how to deal with you' and vamoose to tesco, frilled skirt, blowing in the draft of the door on the way out.
yes, on their (ahem) say so - he can change, he can pretend to change, he should change the way he thinks, but why should he? why should you Element? there is no-one to say a psychiatrist is RIGHT is there?

There Element, thats us. yep, take the piss - it's the only break we have.

My son's diagnosis is BPD, he is 24 now and will not make it to 25. His cut off point. 3 months
He is in massive pain, he has taken drugs from A-Z. Including class A drugs.
I know your pain Element, I watch it every day

Sorry for delay in replying, just a quick one to say arghhhh crunching period pain!!! Been sick and hazy in pain today so cant reply propely. Another area of healthcare that's overlooked and staffed by men who think they're right. Oops may be a bit anti-patriarchy today.

I want to write a book about all this, igotaway, I just don't know how.

Element, I couldn't read and run.
My niece is going through something similar.
Unmumsnetty hugs and

Ha - period pains, those were the days!

Ok, start the book at the beginning. Tis where all good books start, or do they?
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you can't change your past Element, but you can change your future (here endeth the lesson)

I have discussed with my boy about writing and where he would start.
He said, aged 7 in a religious education class - and importantly this is when he realised his thought process was different to everyone else

him to teacher 'if heaven is so great and we all want to get there, why don't we all kill our selves now?'

teacher to him, nothing really, she ignored him.

makes sense to a 7 yr old.

anyway I digress,
men are always right doncha know? they know exactly how a period pain feels, especially maaaaaale doctors.

keep chatting - its a good thing, randomness required at all times

Hi Purpleshoes - hugs to you too and your niece.