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Mental health

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Original poster

Getting thoughts about harming myself

16 replies

RainPainGoAway · 15/02/2015 23:57

I've had a rough life, I grew up with a family who never wanted me and used to verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abuse me. I was kicked out and moved into a Hostel.

I've been raped twice and sexually assaulted once.

My EX left me PG with our second child.

It's been 4 years and I am STILL in love with the man, he is horrible to me but I cannot help but feel complete sadness everyday because of what my life has become, I sit day in day out watching crap TV and caring for my children. Same shit, different day.

I've started to think that harming myself would help ease the pain for a second; the loss I feel and love I feel for my EX and my feelings of worthlessness.

I want to escape these feelings just for a while, I have insomnia and OCD. I just want 5 minutes to clear my mind and I can't help but feel as though this is the only way to do it.

OP posts:

Makeup822 · 16/02/2015 00:06

Wow you need medical help..... You cannot sort this on your own this is to heavy a burden to bear. Go seek help please, you have to be brave, if you want to changre your life for the better this is the way to do it. Go to the local doctors see the receptionist, say you need an emergency appointment.

This will not go away, you need to seek help. Please take my advice seek help immediately

Stoatystoat · 16/02/2015 00:09

You really need and deserve support. GP or ring the Samaritans and offload on them.

You really have been through so much, you deserve help.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/02/2015 00:12

I have no experience of self harm as such (depression not withstanding) but it's really not a route to a proper fix. I couldn't leave you unanswered though.
Would talking to the Samaritans be a possibility tonight? You could talk it out rather than hurt yourself more.
However worthless you feel, your dc need you. Nobody else can be their mother.
I'm off to bed. Please keep talking on here because better posters than me will post.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/02/2015 00:16

Sorry, me saying I'm off to bed sounds awful and callous. I've had a long day and I'm struggling to stay awake. I wouldn't have posted if you hadn't sounded so in need of someone. And anyone who'd endured so much needs some kindness

Original poster

RainPainGoAway · 16/02/2015 00:29

I have talked to the Samaritans but I feel very awkward because they don't put any input into the conversation so I soon end the call.

I'm scared to seek help, I have young children and I'm a young Mum so I'm worried that they will think I'm not for enough to have my children and if I lose them then I would end my life because they really are all that's keeping me here.

Thinking about the physical pain blocking out the mental torture I feel every single day fills me with happiness and it really has been a long time where I've felt happy about something.

I live life day to day wishing that it will go quickly.

OP posts:

sugar21 · 16/02/2015 00:56

Harming yourself doesn't make the pain go away, I have both o my wrists very scarred through cutting. I thoroughly understand your thought processes Rain, as in a cut will let the pain out or suchlike but seriously it doesn't work. Please get help, agree Samaritans listen and ask questions but at this time of night they are all I can think of. Tomorrow ask GP for a referral to Community Mental Health team. I found them brilliant. Please do this for your children. These folks will help I promise Love Sugarxxx

AmantesSuntAmentes · 16/02/2015 01:06

I'm scared to seek help, I have young children and I'm a young Mum so I'm worried that they will think I'm not for enough to have my children

This is an understandable fear and I'm sure, something which has crossed the minds of many mums who need help with mental health problems. It crossed mine! I have to say, I have not ever felt judged by anyone in the medical profession and definitely not with regard to my ability to care for my dc. All they will be interested in is helping you, just as they would be if you sought help for a physical illness

AmantesSuntAmentes · 16/02/2015 01:06

I'm scared to seek help, I have young children and I'm a young Mum so I'm worried that they will think I'm not for enough to have my children

AmantesSuntAmentes · 16/02/2015 01:06

I'm scared to seek help, I have young children and I'm a young Mum so I'm worried that they will think I'm not for enough to have my children

Original poster

RainPainGoAway · 16/02/2015 01:44

I'm so desperate to live just 5 minutes with peaceful thoughts that this seems to be the only solution that I can think of.

I haven't got any support as I have no family or friends so I am very scared about admitting that I need help to a mental health team because I really am all my children have got so if they deem me too unwell to loo after then then they would go into care.

I can't help but think that this is the solution to all my problems.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate all of the advice I have been given.

I just don't want to feel the dominating emotion of sadness anymore.

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 16/02/2015 04:18

Mental health problems do not make you a bad mother. Reaching out for help would be the best thing you can do for your children. No-one's going to take your kids away because you are struggling with depression. Please see your GP.

MamaLazarou · 16/02/2015 04:20

I've struggled with abuse, depression, anxiety and self-harm in the past and now take medication which has really helped me turn my life around. It might take a while but you can do it. Your kids need you to get well.

Makeup822 · 16/02/2015 08:02

You have shown strength by posting on here, please take people's advice your children will be safe with you so no one will take them away. Go seek help and post again afterwards as l would like to know what happens. If your GP is any good he will support you and praise you for coming forward. Talking to a friend might also help....

creamhearts · 16/02/2015 08:06

Please don't hurt yourself, it just leads to so many other problems and it is addictive. It doesn't give you any peace, it just makes you feel horrendous :(

Please seek help asap, your GP is your first point of call. Can you get an urgent appointment today?

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 16/02/2015 11:03

Hi there OP. We're so sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment. We hope you don't mind but we're going to move your thread to our Mental Health section as we think you'll find lots more support there from people who have been in a similar position to you. Best wishes from all at MNHQ.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 16/02/2015 12:44

RainPainGoAway, how are you feeling today?

Lots of people here have no rl support network. It's sadly very common, for people to be completely alone and particularly for single parents. That aloneness is often borne out of pasts similar to yours.

You really aren't alone in that and it does not mean your dc will be whisked away from you, if you seek help. Seeking help is a positive step and one which you won't be judged for making.

Please try to see your GP, ask for an urgent appointment and then a referral to your local community mental health team.

It may all sound scary but really, it is your first step towards a happier life and one worth making. You can make this happen. You deserve to be happy! We all do

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