Urgent. Suicidal impulses when starting treatment. When to tell someone?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I've been here twice before but despite knowing you can make a full recovery I feel too "ill" to even think about the effort I know it takes to gett better without thinking about just sodding it all.

I live alone with DS, but would bever do anything with him in the house etc. I've been admitted to hospital once at 17 and once last year, both times for just being severely depressed/suicidal. I don't really know what to do or feel like reaching out yet. Unless you have the energy to fight for people to believe you when you tell them how you're feeling you just get fobbed off and my local mental health team are lovely but their crisis team just visit once a day and tell you you're doing fine etc which makes you feel more desperate, so I don't want to ring them.

You are dealing so well with this and I am sure you will do what you need to to get through the rough first week or so.
I hope it passes sooner rather than later - stress of course does not help, does it?
I really struggled with looking after v young children and that was without any additional MH problems, but I found myself at the edge, so huge kudos for how you are putting one foot in front of the other

Thank you, that means a lot

I just rang DM which I would never normally do out of pride but I knew talking to someone would ground me and it's relieving to know someone else close to me knows IYSWIM? A friend and I have arranged to take the DS's to soft play tomorrrow so we can have a proper chinwag and they entertain themselves then I'm having a duvet afternoon with DS because I've bloody earned it

Yes. You. Have.

Or will have, after a morning in soft play hell

Hope you have a good night

Thanks. Still feeling out of it but it's sunny today which is lovely after all that grey horrid weather and I just tidied up the house a bit so it's actually nice to be in

I cancelled on soft play because I felt too rough and my DB has offered to take DS out for a few hours later instead which will be nice plus DS loves to see his uncle.

Just trying not to think too far ahead and literally take it day by day

Thinking of calling the MHT later but not sure.

The days are so different from the nights, I feel spacey today but I know it's going to be bad tonight.

Do give them a call. Maybe they can come over whilst your ds is out. I find their visits help even when no one says very much. It is just kinda knowing they are there. Different from the phone somehow. I am struggling more because not due a visit til Friday and it seems such a looong time away altho I do know they cannot keep coming for ever ...

I find them a bit useless because if they come over and I say I still have lots of suicidal thoughts and, at night, impulses, they just fob me off. The most help I got was when I went to A&E last year. I have other people to talk to if I need to just vent. So I feel like i'm waiting to see if it gets worse or better I suppose.

Hope you're ok yourself Carb

What is it that you might find helpful, Orchard?
Or rather, what is it that the MHT can provide that would help you?
Can we help at all?

I hope this evening will turn out not as bad as you fear

Yes I agree they can't actually do anything but I am convinced they are monitoring what you say and how you are and if they felt it warranted would do more. I find it easier to drain to relative strangers than friends / family as they have already been through more than enough over this. And they are qualified and experienced and know when to 'bully' and when to empathise. The doc told me she considered hospital admission but due to the people in there did not feel it was the right place for me at that time. Maybe you need to tell them about the impulses and talk through the options. Sometimes tho I do feel that you actually have to act on them in some way to be taken seriously But then I guess they get loads with the impulse for every few who try and even fewer who succeed.

Thank you, sorry, had a bit of an evening. It helps to just talk to people honestly about how I feel but I find that people I'm close to are better for that than the crisis team as the C'team always minimize it and say "well you're still here" (actually makes you feel worse/even more like just giving up ).

And MN helps, because I know it's not just me/i'm not alone. I can see why they ignore it like you say Carb but if you're having impulses rather than thoughts I do think they should take it seriously. I know from experience that I do eventually cave in and at least self harm if I don't try anything more stupid. Being that ill makes you desperate.

Trying to resist the urge to s'harm and listen to what people keep telling me (it'll get better etc) but just finding it so hard. I'm so tired and sick of reaching out only to regret it.

I understand your pain. Do you have any relaxation exercises or mindfulness? It is incredibly hard to access when you feel desperate but just stopping and focusing on your breathing - however erratic - may help. It really is just one minute after the other when the urge strikes. If you do get to the desperate stage please try and tell someone close how they can keep you safe. I know my attempts were at the desperate stage when I could no longer fight and no one was around to stop me. It helps me typing this because I almost believe it myself - last 2 days have been very hard and I am slipping into giving way to the urges so taking time out is good. Hope you get thro this

Thank you

It is hard isn't it and I hope you can do the same. I do a few breathing exercises and that helps. As well as trying to just rest, literally just stop what I'm doing and take a time out. It usually helps me calm down and as crap as it sounds, if you're sleepy/asleep you can't act on anything and I find the urge passes after a rest or a full sleep. Even if it reappears.

My DM knows I'm struggling with the SH which is something. I haven't given in either which is good. I hope it's sunny where you are like it is here Carbonel I do find it helps to look out the window and not just see grey like I have for the last week!