Urgent. Suicidal impulses when starting treatment. When to tell someone?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I've been here twice before but despite knowing you can make a full recovery I feel too "ill" to even think about the effort I know it takes to gett better without thinking about just sodding it all.

I live alone with DS, but would bever do anything with him in the house etc. I've been admitted to hospital once at 17 and once last year, both times for just being severely depressed/suicidal. I don't really know what to do or feel like reaching out yet. Unless you have the energy to fight for people to believe you when you tell them how you're feeling you just get fobbed off and my local mental health team are lovely but their crisis team just visit once a day and tell you you're doing fine etc which makes you feel more desperate, so I don't want to ring them.

Any chance you and DS could nip out at all today?I used to sit in a cafe with my (then young) DS1 and have a cake to stop me sitting at home alone. It sounds so patronising to mention fresh air and exercise but it really helps lift your mood if only for a few hours.

You're right. Though I can't face taking DS into any shops that aren't a fleeting visit because he won't sit still and it would defeat th object. My DM and her partner are coming over this afternoon so we'll see other people today. And I'm making myself meet up with a friend tomorrow (also with her DS so the kids can play etc).

Getting out is important and I do make myself do it when I don't want to. If anything because DS is a nightmare if we stay in.

I just wish he was older and less intense atm. It's the same as trying to look after a young DC when you've got a bad cold. Hard.

Oh, OrchardKeeper, how v hard [hugs]

Wrt 'when to tell somebody' - tell somebodey, anybody, how you're feeling before you do something that you cannot take back.
From what you are saying, you've been in this bad place before and you'll know that there is a huge difference between 'I wish I was never born' or 'I wish I was no longer here' and putting plans in to place to actually do something about it.
Thought are just that: thoughts - they are not actions.
They can be distressing and upsetting and horrible, but what matter is what you actually DO.

Can you tap in to anything you've learnt from when you had CBT?

It sounds like you've got a plan in place for today and tomorrow - do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

Thank you Pacific I think you posted on the thread I had going that time/a year ago

The CBT was great. I don't loathe myself like I did which in turn made me feel less like self harming and I found better ways to handle stress. I still flounder when I get past a certain point though (like this time, where it's beyond just a bit of personal TLC and quite bad).

There is a massive difference between thoughts and actions thankfully and I'm at that point where I swing between the vague thoughts to actual mental-planning IYSWIM.

I'll tell my DM about how bad it gets in the evenings atm. That's the worst time.

Oh that's good, that you feel you can tell your DM.

How can I have so much insight too and yet be here, in this position, AGAIN.
Because depression is an evil fucker - you are ill, not stupid or inadequate or whatever.

Can you remind yourself that you won't feel like this forever? And that you have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe until this feeling goes away again?

Isn't it strange how different times of the day can be difficult?
Trust me, the fact that you have insight does go in your favour even if it does not change what you feel.

It is evil

I know logically I can get better because I have before, but it seems too hard sometimes when you're very low. I didn't realize how bad I was until this week. I'd been low since December but trying to just carry on because sometimes it shifts without medication (thanks to CBT and a lot of looking after myself). It can be so sneaky even after years of looking out for it. I have gotten better at noticing it slowly at least.

Yep, that is the one and only 'good' thing about having had depression before: you know what to look out for a bit better.

For lack of a better expression: hang in there, it will get better again, honest

True

Hopefully the chat with DM later goes ok and I can find the balls to tell her at all anyway. I hate this part. The part where you can't really keep it to yourself anymore but really really want to because being that low makes you feel like keeping you to yourself. And I'm a private person even when I'm well

Well, get over yersel' and spill the beans!

I'll check up on you and bully you some more if need be

Things will get easier for you when your son goes to school! You'll have those extra hrs to work or train plus more time for you, relationships etc. Keep holding into that because as he gets older, he'll grow out of this toddler stage and become a close, loving boy.

My son drove me mad when he was under 5, really hard work. But now at nearly 10, he's far easier and more cuddly than my girls who just bicker with each other. It won't stay like this forever for you, it will improve. You are surviving each day! Keep pushing through!

The early years are like a fog and overwhelming, especially for single parents and those without family support. Depression and anxiety are very hard to overcome. If you could perhaps ask your mum to take your DS for a few more hrs or be there in the house with you both for support, things may feel better. I understand what you mean about children not being still in shops but do try nonetheless.

My thoughts are with you. I suffer from BPD and comorbidity ( anxiety/ suicide ideation) - diagnosed in my late 20's and fight my condition every day along with far too many health problems! Try your best to keep strong and know that it will be worth it all to see our children grown up and happy.

Don't give up. I too used to take my children to the cafes and sit there for a while with them , then go to the park. It's become such a usual thing for me to do that I still take them for coffee ( in their case hot choc or juice) once a week. It's become part of our routine! Trust me, getting out to the shops and cafés was a lifeline and kept me positive when I was struggling. Treat yourself to nice things; candles, baths, a good film or book.... Anything that helps. I'm not overly treatable via the NHS ( except CBT ) and I'm a closed shop to counseling but I help myself instead; self help books, videos, articles etc that discuss BPD and how to cope. Unserstanding my diagnosis helps me control it.

Maybe try holistic healing as well as your mental health team. Yoga,reiki, crystals, wholesome foods, green tea, meditation etc. This, as well as my faith helps me stabilize a bit and keeps me calmer.

You can do this and you are not alone - it will get better! Sending you brew and flowers ( icon on my iPhone won't work!)

Sorry to hear that ggfl and thank you. I am hoping school will make things easier. And it helps to hear from people on the other side of that five year fog!

I will pacific. Pinky promise and everything It will come out all jumbled and crap but she knows me well enough to be able to make sense of that.

Same here Iwas. It's like having detailed instructions to an invisible Ikea atrocity Great for getting to know thine enemy but not much else.

I don't get on with Samaritans. I had one woman who huffed a lot and said at least I had DC which would likely stop me from ever really killing myself. And besides that they just listen and can't really give you any input so I find I get more wound up and feel more alone but I appreciate they really do help some people!

Glad they've helped you. You'd have a clunky sounding Swedish name wouldn't you?

I also just saw a picture of what my ex got for valentine's day because he tagged a friend in it!! It was me who dumped him, because he was a shit but it still hurts that he gets to walk away fine and meet someone else despite being a total man-child-wanker yes that is a real word and I'm dealing with this. But then I have a niggling feeling that's depression talk because I know logically he was a fuckwit and when I got ill last year it was all about him and how it affected him. The night I went into hospital (voluntarily) he spent an hour on the public phone saying "how could you do this to me/us" etc . I just needed to calm down and stop dwelling on things (wow, I hadn't thought of that mr common sense ).

Sending hugs orchard. I have depression and a 14mo live wire DD, with a partner who isn't very hands on with childcare. Not saying its the same as single parenthood, but I get how hard it is when you are struggling with dark, dark thoughts and trying to deal with caring for a little one.

I think you should deffo tell your DM. I find, once you speak those thoughts out loud they diminish considerably. Would it be possible for her to come and stay with you for a bit, to help with looking after your ds and give you some space to get used to your new meds?

I also agree that going out and about does help to a degree, but can be equally draining. Trying to maintain composure in the face of a child's tantrum whilst out in public is even harder when suffering with MH issues.But on the other hand, it does help maintain a sense of normality.

P.S for what it's worth, your ex sounds like a self centered, egocentric twat :D

Thanks, he really did add a lot of pressure on me to get well asap and used to get very cross if I had a panic attack etc

Sorry to hear you've experienced similar. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even the ex

I make myself go out briefly if I feel really bad but do go home once I feel I've had "enough" otherwise it makes me feel worse. I understand that completely.

My mum is a single parent and DS's dad is a lazy shit who's moved to Cornwall (3hrs away from us) and just has him every once in a while. So no one can really help much. DM has him on a friday night sometimes which helps. She's a full time social worker though so her week-day time is very precious. My uncle is bipolar and can be good to talk to and doesn't judge. But I try not to do it too often because he has his own issues of course.

Just posting on here hopefully is helping because we all get how you feel. I struggle to talk to people in RL but anonymously on here is OK. Keep being kind to yourself and take each minute / hour / day as it comes and soon you will be thro the worst and the meds will have kicked in. Crisis team have been great for me but know they are all different. But maybe calling them and talking it thro could help? I cannot imagine they would leave you alone if things were so bad? If you get past the stage of thinking to actively planning you must talk to someone for your ds' sake. And I agree children get easier/ less intense as they get older. Mine are nearly teenagers and ds is just so gorgeous. Hopefully you can take some time to rest before you see your DM and then tell her all.

That's very true Carbonel about just getting how someone feels. I post on MN about MH sometimes because at the very least it means I've not bottled it up even if no one replies and at the best, I don't feel so isolated or like a terrible mum etc.

Helps to know it does get better DC-wise. Today was a struggle but it's 6:24pm and I'm still here so I'll take that as an achievement right now

Here's hoping your chat with your DM went ok

Thank you

I feel better for telling DM exactly how I'm feeling and have been just playing it hour by hour today which feels better than day by day or week by week Hope your evenings have been good and hope you're not too knackered Iwas.

Had a better day today but for some reason tonight is the worst night since I started taking the Mirtazipine again. I get derealization sort of feelings (i'm used to it as it's been an ongoing thing since I was a young teen) but I hate feeling like it. There's a difference between feeling numb from depression and feeling like things aren't actually real around you, like you're in the bloody Matrix or something. And you can't turn it off. I'm just watching crap I used to love on Netflix and trying not to do anything stupid.

Yes, please don't do anything you cannot take back.
Allow yourself the time to feel better.

Does M usually work for you after a while? Does the derealisation get better with time?

It worked well for me last year but I was in hospital the first week or so that I started it and not dealing with so much everyday stress at the same time. The derealization never lasts more than a day and comes and goes. I must be more stressed than I believe because it kicks in when things get a bit too much usually. I won't do anything silly it's juat hard not to self harm when it's bad (I haven't done it for a few years but did it from 13-17 a a way of 'snapping back' to reality IYSWIM)?

I'm trying to juts focus on MN and music and other things to not fuel the fire. I feel secretly really pathetic when I feel like this because I still find it scary despite being familiar with it. It helps just to offload somewhere anyway. I might make another appnt to see the GP tomorrow to ask for something extra/discuss it.