hi, ive been offline for a while and have been having a few problems. i'll try and give you a brief explanation.
i had my DS in dec 05, after about 6 - 8 weeks i went to GP feeling low and wanting to harm DS. was told i was sleep deprived and DH signed off work for few weeks to help me. At the same appt DH admitted he was feeling depressed and suicidal and was given AD's. DH's depression is work related (armed forces) and he has since been off work and has been told he needs to move back to the UK (we are currently abroad)where he can get more support. He was also admitted to Psych ward for a while and i felt like i wasa on suicide watch for the first 5 months or so.
I have been trying to put a brave front on and be strong and supportive to my DH aswell as coping with DS and living in a flat that i absolutely hate. the neighbours are a nightmare and i dont like the area we have been housed in. underneath my brave front i have been increasingly feeling like i cant cope and am a failure. i have had suicidal thoughts on occasions. we were told we would be moved back to the UK months ago but still we have not heard anything, so we camre back to visit family a few weeks ago for a break. when it came to going back, i broke down and couldnt go leaving my DH to go back on his own while he is still on AD's and not completely better.
being away from the situation has made me realise how low i have been feeling and i now feel worse than ever. i'm shouting at DS for little things and feel overwhelming guilt for it, i feel like i cant cope and my life is worthless.
i went to a local GP who diagnosed me with clinical depression but is reluctant to give AD's as im still breastfeeding (4 feeds a day)
Dh wants me to return to him abroad and i miss him and dont want him to miss out on time with DS but i dont know how i'll cope if i return to that situation.
Today DH informed me that there is still no sign of a move back to the UK and that it could be 6 months or more before we are moved. At this news i broke down and now feel like my life cant go on and that i cant cope.
Should i return to GP and ask for AD's? which ones can i take while BF? i am also concerned with the side effects of some i.e Drowsiness, jitters inability to drive etc as i worry how i'll be able to look after DS on my own if i have these side effects, but on the other hand what damage am i doing to him by shouting at him and not having much interest in playing or getting him out and about
can anyone give me some advise or help, i feel lost