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Original poster

Feeling useless

26 replies

crapmamma · 18/10/2006 19:45

Not a clue why I am name changing - most of you who know me will know exactly who I am, I'd just rather a different name.

As the name would suggest - I am feeling like a crap mum. My DD is all over the place - she is constantly bouncing off the walls and I am not coping. I seem to spend all my time telling her off, and half of it is just because I can't take her energy anymore.

She goes into preschool and runs round the playground yelling and all the other children are just playing nicely. They say she isn't like it during actual school time though - they tell me she is quiet.

I look at her and wonder if she is like it because of something I am doing/not doing... my mum says she is very similar to my sister as a child, so I then look at aspergers sites (sister is mild AS), but I am sure she isn't... I then wonder if she is just plain bored and intelligent and that she isn't like it at school because they have the resources and energy to give her the attention that she needs to stretch her.

My house is a state constantly, even though I was getting on top of it, which is now making me feel even worse because less mess is making me notice what there is more iyswim.

Went away overnight, and she seemed happy, DS seemed happy... feel like they would be better off without me here (no, I'm not going to hurt myself).

My brain is melting, but I want to be home with DS. I feel horrible because I don't want to be alone with DD half the time lately because I just want to run and hide from her.

I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
divastrop · 18/10/2006 19:56

how old is your dd?

Original poster
crapmamma · 18/10/2006 19:58

3.5

OP posts:
GreenSepticStumps · 18/10/2006 20:00

I am sorry you're feeling so crap - I can't offer any really useful advice, but I couldn't read your lovely heartfelt post and not say something.

In my - very unqualified - opinion, you are doing what a lot of mums do. You're asking too much of yourself, chasing your tail and putting too much pressure on yourself to make everything "perfect", when the truth is - it isn't meant to be. Life with small children is messy and piecemeal and chaotic. Your little girl sounds very like my ds1. He's virtually unmanageable a lot of the time, gorgeous at other times, and his teachers assure me he's OK at preschool, even though a lot of the time he's with me he's murder . I don't think you're a rotten mother for wanting a break from your daughter and to spend time with your little one. I treasure my time with ds2 while ds1 is a preschool - I love them equally, that has nothing to do with it.

As for the housework - I know how you feel about that, it's a perpetual "work-in-progress" and it always feels as though everyone else is doing it better. They're NOT, not with two little children. As long as everyone has clean pants and no-one's contracted cholera this week, stuff it . I have had to learn the hard way that perfectionism, with little children, is a long and thankless road. It's all very well in an office job with personal targets and achievable goals and regular appraisals and all that jazz, but it's much more nebulous taking care of children and doing all the domestic stuff - you have to find a level at which you are happy and your children are happy, and that is good enough.

I'm sure you'll get much better advice than mine but your post resonated with me, and I think you're doing fine.

Walnutshell · 18/10/2006 20:09

Do you feel like a crap mum because you feel as though you don't know how to handle your dd or because you are worn out by it all?

I really truly think most of us are 2 steps away from losing the plot because this whole business of child rearing was not supposed to be done by (mainly) one person in (mainly) isolation in their home. Esp in combination with housework which has to be done even in minimal amounts.

I'm not being very helpful here but like GSS wanted you to know your post isn't unnoticed and on some level I do know what you are going through, I spend so many days veering up and down and I only have one DC. Sometimes I can't believe how unreasonable I am (in my head at least) x x x

Original poster
crapmamma · 18/10/2006 20:15

I'm not sure - I think its a mixture of both. I am easily tired and she just never stops, which I guess spirals and makes me even less likely to cope.

I am probably hormonal today too.

I have days when I feel like I have finally mastered this whole mother thing, she is being calm(ish), we're all happy, and then it all falls to pieces.

OP posts:
GreenSepticStumps · 18/10/2006 20:20

I think rather than seeing it in terms of "days when I'm doing well" versus "days when it all falls to pieces", it might be more helpful to think in terms of life with a child of this age, especially a bright, difficult, strong-willed child - as always a mixture of fantastic and bloody awful . You're not doing anything wrong - children aren't designed to be calm and happy al the time, they're designed to rebel, and plague us, and bugger up our lives, and then turn round with the sweetest face and say "I love you Mummy"

You sound tired, more than anything else. Are you getting enough sleep?

Original poster
crapmamma · 18/10/2006 20:23

lmao DS is 8 months old and has never slept through

You're right about all of it. I know in my heart I am just tired and its meant to be like this.

It is threads like this that are why I stay on MN.

OP posts:
GreenSepticStumps · 18/10/2006 20:29

Well, just because it's meant to be like this doesn't make it easy - hell, it doesn't even make it possible!!

You sound like a lovely mum to me. Just try and slow down a bit, cut corners with the housework (no-one lies on their death-bed and says "I wish I'd hoovered the hall more often")and be a bit nicer to yourself.

Walnutshell · 18/10/2006 20:32

I think I know what you mean, I quite like myself as a mum when I am 'on form' but it does seem a bit fragile sometimes. I can't stand the guilt when I 'get it wrong'.
GSS makes good point about it all being part of child-rearing. It's hard to feel like that when you think you might explode. Sometimes I can't get over the responsibility.
Sorry, my dreary thoughts aren't very helpful.
Over to someone else...

GreenSepticStumps · 18/10/2006 20:33
Walnutshell · 18/10/2006 20:36

Actually I think some of my doom and gloom comes from the stress of trying to move on tight budget. That and the fact that I am quite, quite mad.

crapmamma (who isn't) - do you get lots of adult company?

VintageV · 18/10/2006 21:07

Hi, I'm sure this won't help, but I have three 2.7 year olds and they are bouncing off walls and completely wrecking my house at the moment, they seem to have soooo much energy, when they are going nuclear at one another or have overturned the sofas for the 15th time that day I just try and visualise them when they're much older, say in their twenties and just think what great wonderful people they'll be (hoping!!) I just keep telling myself that its just a phase and in a blink of an eye they'll be grown up and leaving home (sob)

beansontoast · 18/10/2006 21:24

hey feelingcrapmamma....fortunately greensepticstumps is on hand with some top notch wordy comfort...theres nothing like feeling useless

i just want to say hang in there girl and am sending you love and hugs x

Walnutshell · 18/10/2006 21:25

THREE 2.7 year olds? Gosh, quick way to deliver some perspective! Thanks!

Sorry crapmamma (who isn't), not belittling your post. Are you still around? Feeling OK? No way? x

beansontoast · 18/10/2006 21:26

...greensepticstumps ET ALIA that should say xx

GreenSepticStumps · 18/10/2006 22:17

I'm not going to say crapmamma, because it's depressing and it's not true. . You're doing brilliantly. Honestly, one day a time will come when you get all the sleep you need, ansd things won't feel quite as disordered and chaotic and scary as they do now.

But keep posting - there will be plenty of MNers with much more useful things to say in the daylight hours

Hang in there xxx

Walnutshell · 18/10/2006 23:00

Hope you update us tomorrow sometime not-crapmamma and take care x

Flamebat · 19/10/2006 07:42

Feeling a bit better this morning. (3 2.7yr olds terrifies me!!!)

I've got a full blown cold today which probably explains a lot. Hopefully I'll start perking up again soon.

(Oh, back to normal name)

Flamebat · 19/10/2006 09:32

Yelled at DD soo much this morning, made her cry lots. Poor thing has probably gone into preschool thinking mummy hates her.

None of it was her fault - she's 3 fgs, if she wants to "forget" things she could do last week (getting dressed), then she should be allowed too.

I was just too tired to cope, which made us run late, which got me worse.

Flamebat · 19/10/2006 10:28

Got off the phone to my mum... she has just seen DD at school, and she is being sooo good apparently - cue tears from me

She says that she thinks it is just that they take no nonsense from her, and she is happy with that. I am a very very emotional person, and my mum thinks I take it all too personally when DD cries or plays up (which makes sense when it is said like that ).

I am suddenly feeling much more positive about it all though. The cold is easing, DS is asleep, and I have sat for an hour doing nothing... that could be a part of it

Rambling away on here seems to help too...

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 19/10/2006 10:39

Hi Flame, sorry you have been feeling a bit down. My 4.5 year old makes me feel like this a lot of the time and my 13 month old doesn't sleep either. All we need is a couple of nights uninterupted sleep and then we might feel a bit more in control.

Walnutshell · 19/10/2006 11:02

Glad you are feeling a bit better Flamebat

It's the intensity of it all for me. Trying to be totally adult and reasonable all the time and thinking 'I know ds is pinching me/screaming/putting his foot in a pooey nappy but of course this is all totally normal and I can handle it calmly and efficiently' - which I can most of the time, but after several (hundred) episodes like this, I feel like I am going to explode.

Usually dh home around 4.30 by which time I am ready for some adult conversation and time to do my own thing. Recently he has been away Mon-Fri on various work-related training so it has been hard. How the heck single parents manage I don't know, maybe they have lots of friends.

Memo to self: get some friends.
Memo to Flamebat: get some peace whenever poss!

Walnutshell · 19/10/2006 11:03

PS Know what you mean about being emotional and sensitive, but remember it's these qualities that will also make you a great mum x x

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 20/10/2006 08:25

How are you Flame hope you got a better nights sleep.

Flamebat · 21/10/2006 22:17

I'm sorry - I never came back. feeling low still, but a hell of a lot better than I was iyswim

xxxxx