I am having a breakdown and I don't know what to do.

[NickerPicker]

I have had a few before, and asked for help, I end up being sent home and nothing ever happens.

The last time a mental health nurse came around and I told her not to talk loud as my walls are paper thin and she talked loud then did a motion to cover her mouth and smiled it was like she did it on purpose. Then I said please don't ask me to talk about things it sets me off and she kept probing those things and set me off. I felt like she was trying to antagonse me and get a reaction.

I have also had experience in the past of a psychologist who told others I was making up an illness, and then tried to get me sectioned when the leading UK expert on the NHS said I was really physically ill with multi system complex genetic conditions.

So I don't have a good experience of mental health.

I know I am not doing well at the moment. I am so bad I asked the children to leave as I am not being a good Mother to them as I am ill. They won't leave and go and stay with family. Our family are not nice.

Partly this breakdown is time of the year and partly it is hormonal, so when my period comes I should feel a little better.

I can't distract myself to get things out of my mind, I had some bad triggers of bad memories from the past.

I have hit myself in my head tonight and started crying and got angry at the children, over something they did that was a trigger from the past. I had told them several times to please go and stay with relatives and they won't go, and I was scared I would get like this and I did, I didn't want them to see this. They have a tendancy when I am not well to like the CPN to wind me up and antagonise me, as do family, again it is like they want to press my buttons which I am trying so hard to keep in check and they won't listen to me when I tell them I need to be alone to get past this.

I don't know what to do.

I tried to go to the GP yesterday and the children wouldn't let me go, they have seen me badly treated in the past by the medical profession as have they. That time the psycholoigst tried to get me sectioned, I wasn't having a breakdown, I was trying to get the children to school they didn't want to go. I rang the psychologist for help in what I could do to get them to go and she called an ambulance and police and told them I was threatening to kill myself, I wasn't at all. I can now see she was trying to screw me over, the fact I ignored her pshychology the symptoms were all in my head and got diagnosed and proved her wrong. I couldn't see that until she tried to get me sectioned. The police were dreadful, and the children saw it all. The police didn't take me to her as she requested and took me to A&E and they sent me home. I never went near the psychologist ever again.

I am horribly depressed over historical things, and over my disability. I want to see someone to feel better and the children won't let me. I want them to stay with someone else, and they won't go, only one is barely a minor, the other not.

I am also scared myself of being abused again by someone medical, I cant carry on living like this though. If I get triggered and remember the horrible stuff again I don't want the children around, and I will probably knock myself out next time I hit my head like that again.

I can see you are in a bad way NP but honestly money isn't the answer because even I you get private health insurance it doesn't mean that it will cover everything. And it certainly won't cover "pre-existing" conditions, of which there seem to be many......so it isn't the answer.

If I'm honest I'm struggling to make out what is wrong - I know you have mentioned PTSD and that's a tough one. It's a pity you have lost trust in all NHS staff or that's how it seems. Is there anyone in the NHS you trust at all. Can I ask do you have a physical disability as well as a mental health condition. Are you on medication.

I think you said your youngest child was 15 - is that right - how many other children do you have, and is it the youngest one that has the health problems. So sorry to ask so many questions and don't feel you need to answer, I'm just trying to work out how you might be helped.

Yes I and the children have an incurable/untreatable complex multi system genetic condition causing comobidities some of which are treatable

If I had money I would be able to take the children to the specialists who have gone private. I know private health care would not work, If I had money I could pay myself for each visit for us, so it would be the answer. I could buy a stair lift, I could sort the bathroom out myself too.

I think the way we have been treated has made me mentally ill, I am traumatised, depressed and anxious from being treated badly over the NHS fucking up and other professioanls joining in and making mistakes over and over again because they didn't understand the medical condition.

Professionals do not want to talk about and want to brush it all under the carpet like abusers do. I learned all about abuse and they are doing the same thing.

It is the older one that the specialist messed up his letter with, as they are under 18 and live at home, they were also under the CP investigation that has now closed, there were no conferences or anything like that, just an investigation, the case was closed.

I feel like giving the children away, I get no help, and I am no good to them. I want to voimit at the thought of seeing any of these HCP's. They no longer look like benign people to me, I am fearful of them all now, so many professionals have been nasty to me the past few years, I have seen so much uglyness from them, they make me want to voimit at the thought of them, their letters anything I don't want to go near them.

I did see an NHS specialist recently, and said a little about this, they are used to this happening the "it is all in your head" stuff, and they told me I now know who to avoid in future. They know it goes on, and are disgusted at their peers. That is why so many of them have left the NHS and are in private practice now. I read that they are doing this so there will be nobody on the NHS to go to and the private NHS commissioning will have to pay them to see NHS patients and they will be free of NHS control. I don't know if this is true, the person who wrote it on FB is the person dealing with the government regarding all the false accusations of FII in the community. I got accused of that a few years ago and that was when I started feeling ill, due to the bullying over it all. A Dr fucked up and in the middle of a divorce from an abusive ex, who said the children were not ill, said the wrong thing to the ex's solicitor. It started me bieng investigated, the court investigated and the children were left with me and never saw the ex again. That fucking Dr's false information for which he has since apologised and other Dr's and tests and studies showed he was wrong, has followed me around and I have been absued over and over because of it, and then new Dr's making the same mistake. I feel like vomiting that they keep doing this.

I do'nt want to look afte rhte children anymore. If someone else looks after them the children can hate them not me for the fuck ups of the HCP's and the other person can be bulllied and blamed for the Dr's fuck up's I have had enough of it. I trust nobody and I am scared of them, they wreck lives with their mistakes.

You have so much going on OP, it's hard to know what to suggest. Could there be communication problems between yourself and the professionals? Could this be part of your illness? Do you have anybody that you can trust who could perhaps act as your advocate and go along to meetings and appointments with you? That way they can be your witness to anything that is said, but also assist you if you're struggling to make yourself understood or being understood.

I asked adult services for an advocate a year ago, months later someone came around from an advocacy service and then I got a letter from SS saying that I couldn't have advocacy. I am not allowed anything other than a bannister rail a handle by the toilet, two by the bath and a bath seat the opposite end of the bath to the shower. I was told not to stand up so I have no idea how they expect me to shower and sit on a seat the opposite end of the shower to the shower, amongst other things. Oh but I am nothing and not worth helping, just box ticking so they have not do nothing and blaming it on me.

They expect me to go up the stairs when I can't. I need a stair lift, I was assessed previously as needing one, and now apparently when I am even worse I am not allowed one, I am not allowed anything other than to be blamed for others making mistakes it seems.

Is there a friend or neighbour that you trust? Citizen's Advice?

Citizens advice will not come out, I asked them to.

I have nobody, everyone left me and abandoned me when I was falsley accused as it broke me and destroyed me, they never cared about me, nobody ever cared about me. I am nothing other than to be there for others, never anyone there for me to help me, I was used all my life then I got iller and iller and nobody wanted anything to do with me as I couldn't be there for them phsyically or mentally anymore and needed their help they didn't want to know me.

I know it must be hard because of the trust issues that you have, but you need to go back to the GP and keep trying to get the right help. Somebody must be able to help you

I just joined a new GP. NHS England is launching an investigation into my missing medical files. The children's are missing too we think. If it had not been for a hospital Dr sending their hospital notes through I think I would have been accused of making it all up again. I was also seen by some hospitals myself so they were writing as well, so it was clear I had the condition that caused the secondary.

I haven't the energy to help NHS england with the investigation, they want me to go through my files to work out what has "gone missing" in the coverup and neglegance.

I have no help I ask for it and I am never allowed any help. It hurts and exhausts me to go anywhere. I have no life. I am going to ask for a wheelchair, after seeing the most recent specialist who said they will write to the GP to tell them I should avoid standing up, following tests that were done.

Well at least that's a positive NickerPicker I hope you get it soon

The second rubbish OT who came around a few days before Christmas, who also tried everything to get out of helping us with a stair lift etc, said I need to get a referral to the wheelchair service. No doubt I will be given a wheelchair for someone else to push me, as that will be deemed good enough, even though I have nobody to push me children have same condition and I can't self propell due to condition. I can guarantee it will be like being given another box ticking waste of money chocolate tea pot.

So I have to somehow waste the energy and be in pain to go to the GP to get a referral if they will give me one to the wheelchair service, who I have no faith in helping me.

I won't be able to go to the GP for weeks after as it will take ages to recover from the visit and I have to reserve my energy for going to see nasty bastards who are supposed to be caring for my children, who instead torture us, and report me to social services because of their ignorance and inability to read history or keep up to date with medicine, or write proper notes/letters. I have no fucking life and no help.