I have had a few before, and asked for help, I end up being sent home and nothing ever happens.
The last time a mental health nurse came around and I told her not to talk loud as my walls are paper thin and she talked loud then did a motion to cover her mouth and smiled it was like she did it on purpose. Then I said please don't ask me to talk about things it sets me off and she kept probing those things and set me off. I felt like she was trying to antagonse me and get a reaction.
I have also had experience in the past of a psychologist who told others I was making up an illness, and then tried to get me sectioned when the leading UK expert on the NHS said I was really physically ill with multi system complex genetic conditions.
So I don't have a good experience of mental health.
I know I am not doing well at the moment. I am so bad I asked the children to leave as I am not being a good Mother to them as I am ill. They won't leave and go and stay with family. Our family are not nice.
Partly this breakdown is time of the year and partly it is hormonal, so when my period comes I should feel a little better.
I can't distract myself to get things out of my mind, I had some bad triggers of bad memories from the past.
I have hit myself in my head tonight and started crying and got angry at the children, over something they did that was a trigger from the past. I had told them several times to please go and stay with relatives and they won't go, and I was scared I would get like this and I did, I didn't want them to see this. They have a tendancy when I am not well to like the CPN to wind me up and antagonise me, as do family, again it is like they want to press my buttons which I am trying so hard to keep in check and they won't listen to me when I tell them I need to be alone to get past this.
I don't know what to do.
I tried to go to the GP yesterday and the children wouldn't let me go, they have seen me badly treated in the past by the medical profession as have they. That time the psycholoigst tried to get me sectioned, I wasn't having a breakdown, I was trying to get the children to school they didn't want to go. I rang the psychologist for help in what I could do to get them to go and she called an ambulance and police and told them I was threatening to kill myself, I wasn't at all. I can now see she was trying to screw me over, the fact I ignored her pshychology the symptoms were all in my head and got diagnosed and proved her wrong. I couldn't see that until she tried to get me sectioned. The police were dreadful, and the children saw it all. The police didn't take me to her as she requested and took me to A&E and they sent me home. I never went near the psychologist ever again.
I am horribly depressed over historical things, and over my disability. I want to see someone to feel better and the children won't let me. I want them to stay with someone else, and they won't go, only one is barely a minor, the other not.
I am also scared myself of being abused again by someone medical, I cant carry on living like this though. If I get triggered and remember the horrible stuff again I don't want the children around, and I will probably knock myself out next time I hit my head like that again.