Diagnosed with depression but I feel like such a fraud.

[ginhag]

Can't be arsed to name change, haven't been on here for ages anyway.

I've got a chronic pain condition and it has been really, really getting me down. I'm bit of a 'coper' and shit at asking for help but I got to the point where I just couldn't manage anymore and I felt like I was unravelling and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt (feel) awful and finally told my very lovely doctor.

I'm now on sertaline but still feel low, exhausted, sad and fairly useless tbh. But the big thing is that I feel like I've made the depression up, as an excuse for just being, well, a bit shit really.

My lovely DH is doing his best to support me and I have 2 beautiful children and they all just deserve more really. I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time. I'm so pissed off with myself for being like this.

I'm sorry I know there are many on here facing much worse than this, so feel free to tell me to bloody well pull myself together!

ginhag you're not letting anyone down, as Amethyst said you are getting help, which is the most important thing.

I had exactly the same thougths as you-letting everyone down, isolating myself, thinking my family deserved better, but it's all part of the depression. And like you I waited far too long to go and see the dr. You've made that big first step and you should be bloody proud of yourself for that!

You should start to feel a difference pretty soon.

Yesterday was a bit up and down, thankyou for asking. Today should be better. How old are your children? It can be so hard sometimes keeping it together when you have little ones trying your patience, I definitely know that one.

amethyst a week? Oh. I did 2 weeks on 50mg and then talked to my doctor as I was not feeling any different- she said she would normally give it a month but in my case felt upping it at 2 weeks was prob a good idea. I've been on 100mg for nearly a week now...so hopefully I will feel better soon? I know it's going to be different for everyone I just want to stop feeling like this!

dizzy I hope today is better for you. My boys are 6 1/2 and 3 1/2. I'm actually really upset as it's an inset day at the end of half term today, I normally work on Mondays but my lovely friend who is our childminder is off sick today so I'm home. And DS1 has just burst into tears as childminder isn't coming so they are stuck with me. I'm really really hurt, I wanted to have a lovely day with them and now I feel like giving up already

bakeoff thanks for the kind words. It means so much talking to people who understand how I'm feeling, makes me feel a bit less alone.

I need to do something with the kids today. They need to go out and have fun, the sun is shining and I can't just leave them in their jammies watching tv all day (again). Wish DH, or someone was here, it just seems like a massive thing to do on my own today (yes I know that sounds tragic!)

My iPad is being really slow, letters are coming up way after I type them, it's very odd and not helping clarity of thought!

How was your day?

Yes a week was quick, my GP said it was unusual but not unheard of. I'm on 50mg but have sort of plateaued so think might need to up my dose a bit? Bit scared

Did you get out with your little ones? Don't be hard on yourself, try to be kind. You are at the start of a bumpy ride to feeling better again x

Ouch, the things kids say How did your day go in the end? I hope you managed to do something nice, I do find just getting out and about can be really helpful when I'm having a bad day.

Also you asked on my thread but I thought I'd collate responses here, unfortunately my DD has been ll today so it's been a bit tiring. Fortunately my DH is lovely and took a half day to help out. We spent most of it cuddled on the sofa watching Toy Story 1 and 2.

Hey Amethyst. Cheers for asking My day was...I don't know, up and down I guess. Very nearly cried in the supermarket with both kids. Did manage to go for a walk to a cafe with them for lunch (yay me).

This emptiness is really hard. And feeling so bloody alone but not wanting to see or talk to anyone! Doesn't even make sense.

Yes talk to your gp. I found when my dosage went up I had the same thing as when I started on 50mg (feeling wired, a couple of days of hardcore anxiety etc etc) but it settled the same as it did the first time. So hopefully there is nothing to be scared of x

Oh hey dizzy. Yes I was confusing myself about where to talk to you!

Sorry DD is poorly, the cuddles and movies and having DH around sound lovely though. I'm so much calmer when DH is here!

DS1 said sorry for making me sad, apparently he does like mummy days really. God knows why, I'm always telling him off and snapping and in pain and busy and tired

First day back on the school run. Full of dread. Isn't that ridiculous?

I want to get back into bed SO much. And stay there

No it's not ridiculous, being around other people when you're feeling so bad can be really difficult. Especially when you feel you have to put on a brave face and and not let on what' really going on inside you.
Do you get to rest up a bit today? It's not bad to take some time for yourself if you need to.

Well I survived it! Just.

Now back cuddling with DS2 while he plays with the iPad. Should be doing something more constructive but it'll have to wait.

How is your DD today Dizzy? Hope she's feeling better, and that you are doing okay too.

DS2 has preschool this afternoon, which he usually hates having to go to which is really upsetting. Especially as I'd rather just have him here with me! I normally try to do a couple of hours work from home before having to pick DS1 up from school but am feeling so lousy today I may retreat to my bed.

I wish I had family closer, I could really use the support at the moment (but then I probably wouldn't tell them anyway as I hate worrying them!)

Hi ginhag. I haven't been on here for a few days and so have only just read your thread. I've also got depression, though it took me ages to initially admit it. This time around I've been on sertraline for about 5 weeks now. Initially seemed to improve after a week or so but then seem to have plateaud. I think I need to up my dose, or change tablets or something. I know what you mean about feeling alone but not wanting to see anyone. It's so hard isn't it.

Well done on surviving the school run. During my really bad days I got so anxious just thinking about going out, so I'm not surprised you were worried about school run. Cuddling this morning with DS2 sounds great. Sometimes we need to just step back from "productive" things and have a bit of a chill.

Did you get some sleep before picking up DS1? I know it's a little early for school run yet but I'm assuming if you are getting rest, you won't see this message until later. Don't worry about not doing any work. You need to look after yourself. I find it hard to accept this myself too but depression is an illness. Don't feel bad about needing to rest.

I hope the rest of your day goes well. Today has been a rather unexpectedly short day but I'm exhausted so I'm off to rest for a bit before DP gets home.

Take care.

Hello lost nice to 'meet' you Thanks for posting your experiences, I really appreciate everyone who has done that, it feels like I have at least a tiny connection to some other people. I'm even finding it hard to write on here because of the whole empty thing, but knowing there could be people around who know how this horrible shite feels helps a lot.

No I didn't manage to get any rest in the end, I DID manage to go to the curtain shop for something we really need to get sorted AND go to the supermarket AND do both kids' school runs there and back. Without crying. All of which I'm actually really proud of, crikey my world has shrunk a bit at the moment.

I now really want DH to be home because it just feels a bit better when he is around.

Did you get a bit of rest? Hope so. Also hope your day wasn't cut short because of something stressful and you are ok?

Wow gin that's awesome. That's definitely something you should feel proud of! Know what you mean about things being better with DH around. Is he due home soon?

Thanks, my day was cut short in a good way. I'm a postgrad student and was expecting to be in all day but managed to get things done a lot quicker and can't do any more until tomorrow - yay for free afternoons! I did manage to get some rest which was really good.

I'm glad you finding posting helps, even if it's hard. Keep posting whatever you need to. MN is fab for providing support :) Apologies if you've said this further up thread but have you tried counselling or CBT for your depression? Someone suggested CBT to me on one of my threads not long ago. I'm going to ask my gp about it again next time I see him. Wonder if that could be a possibility for you too?

Aw, fanks DH texted 'well done!' after I managed the curtain shop thing too, it was really sweet.

Yay for afternoons off! Especially if you earned it by getting your work done faster than expected. Well done you

My dr gave me details of a CBT thing but it sounds like a lot of it is group stuff and I can't face that. I'm really holding out for my referral to the pain clinic as I think I will be able to access some support that takes the pain thing into account. Eventually.

DH should be home by 7 hopefully, he's usually back by the kids' bedtime. I keep worrying that I'm going to freak him out by being ridiculously needy and weird at the moment but he is being really supportive. It's tough as we have so much going on with our business at the moment, the fact that I'm only semi-functional is not exactly helpful.

I can't believe how hard I'm finding it to string words together, even here. I'm normally incredibly chatty and pretty outgoing (DH says it's getting me to shut up that's the trick ) but currently I have to force myself to even reply to a text message, never mind call or actually SEE someone!

DD was back to her rascally self thankyou gin I've had a good day today, which is a nice and am feeling all round better about things than I was. Just waiting for DH to get down from getting DD to bed and then I can start on the housework (DS sleeping on my lap, I've decided fuck it tonight and am having cuddles).

It sounds like your day was quite successful, even just getting out can be incredibly hard, I'd definitely chalk all that up as a win. I'm assuming by now your DH is home as it's gone 8 and that you're having a nice time with him. I know what you mean about wanting your DH around, I've often told mine that he keeps me sane, he doesn't even need to say anything it's just having him there.

Hi Gin, sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment.

I have a facial pain disorder too, Trigeminal Neuralgia type I & II and some other currently unknown facial condition, possibly occipital.

I know how exhausting having a condition like this is, not just the physical exhaustion of being in varying degrees of pain every day but also the mental and emotional fatigue that comes with trying to cope with it.

You can't see it, so it can be very difficult for us to let ourselves accept that the pain we feel is real and tangible; that we're not exaggerating or making it up.

I'm glad you're going to see the pain clinic. Are you with a Neuro? Where are you based? There's an excellent headache/facial pain charity based in London that will see people with facial pain and run tests for free if money is tight.

On the depression side of things, hopefully you'll start to feel a difference from your medication soon, or perhaps it may be that you need a different type. I've always thought of depression as like being in a well- when you're in it all you can see is the darkness and dankness around you and sometimes medication or CBT can just lift you up enough to be able to see the light at the top of the well and know there'll be a way out of it. Just takes some time getting up there.

You should be able to get a CBT referral from your GP, and you can ask to be referred to someone with experience in pain management as well as depression.

Hey dizzy glad your day was better! You're doing fucking well for someone with a DD and a teeny tiny baby. Seriously.

pot it is incredibly good to hear from you. So good that you understand (well god it's awful and I would never ever wish it on you but hopefully you know what I mean!)

I can barely write a sentence. I feel stupid and vacant.

If anyone else is around though please distract me from my thoughts, which range from unhelpful to destructive at this current moment.

Thanks gin but really I'm just very lucky that DS is such a chilled out baby. DD was highly strung, still is (she takes after me), I could never have gotten this much done whilst she was around. My evening has taken a turn for the worse, am currently sitting here thinking over all the things I need to be doing right now but wasting time on the computer instead.
For some reason the only thought that comes up when asked to help distract you is "pizza". Not even a question or complete sentence, just pizza. I don't suppose saying pizza at you would be very helpful?

To be fair, I REALLY like pizza. So you kinda have a point!

My DS1 was a highly strung doolaly bonkers non-sleeping whirlwind. dS2 was much calmer, but I just don't think I'm that great with teeny babies tbh.

How old is DD1?

Hang on I'd already worked out you must have an older DD and a baby DS, yes?

Yeah I've got DD who's 2 and 1/3, and DS who's 6 weeks. I never used to like kids (bad childhood) but actually now that I've had my own I realise they're the best people. Not that I'm that great with them, I'm only really comfortable with my own.

Putting pizza aside for the minute, perhaps you could help me work out what to make a circle out of? One of DH's friends linked to a DM article about how cats will automatically sit in a circle if you make one, article here if you want to read. I thought me and DD could make a circle together tomorrow but I'm trying to work out what would be fun, easy to do, quick to do if we're waiting on the cat' arrival, and also safe from the dog. I briefly thought cat treats to test whether the cat's need to sit inside a circle would be stronger than its need to eat delicious food, but that brings up a conundrum with the dog (who will definitely try to eat it). Although the idea of experimenting with many different types of food seems fun, could a cat resist a circle of tuna. I'm pretty sure I have a tin of tuna, though I'm not sure DH would like it if I put a circle of it on the laminate floor. Plus his friends might think I'm weird if I post a pic of a circle of tuna. Must stop thinking about tuna...

Plus I'm not sure I want DD involved with a circle of tuna, I don't see that going down well.

Although 'can a cat resist eating from the circle of tuna' is a very interesting question indeed. I really must get off the bloody tuna!

I immediately thought dried pasta! Though that will not CHALLENGE your cat and if DD is anything like my DS's the pasta will still get eaten...

Oh I don't know, depends on your floors, neighbourhood, how much you could live with everything smelling like tuna for months...

Xx

Bless you op don't be so hard on yourself ! As others have said you often don't realise your depressed untill after you feel better ! The constant paint you have been in is bound to get you down and I hope that once you get some help you can find ways to manage the pain

With regards to depression please don't feel like a fraud! Depression doesn't neccaserily present as feeling sad and miserable it's often just a general feeling of can't be arsed ! Everything is just to much and exhausting! Your tablets should kick in really soon and if not then your doc can try you on something else

You are NOT a shit mum ! You've taken positive steps towards gettin yourself back on track and you WILL get there

Xx