just cant do this anymore, am reaching out for help

[Loveisashadow]

I'm reaching out for help before I do somethibg stupid. Please please don't say I'm a troll. I'm real. I promise. I am. I've posted here for a long time, but with a different username before.

There is something really wrong with me. I've had depression for a year, on meds for the past five months. In summer, I heard voices and saw things and thought really odd things. I thought it was psychosis, but my cpn says it wasn't and maybe it's all linked to past trauma because I still get odd things. But I'm so confused because it feels so real. She says it's my imagination and its very real to me but I can't figure it all out and it scares me and I don't know what I have. Every one thinks in lying because I can't explain what it is. I was so bad my dd lived with my friends for two months. I'm a single mum. My Grandfather died on new years day, and my dds Dad, my ex, in a house fire on September 25th. I've been hitting myself, slapping myself and scratching my arms for months. I also make plans to end my life, a lot. My cpn thinks I'm lying, and says there are different levels of self harm. She minimizes everything I feel and I try to be honest but she says I'm not ill because I'd be more distressed and I'm always calm. I'm calm because if I'm not dd will be taken away. I scratched myself do much after she left today that I have finger nail marks all down one arm. No one believes me. They think I'm lying for attention, but I'm not. There must be something wrong with my personality. I can't take it anymore. I feel like there are no last chances because this it, I'm a liar and a fraud and I'm not unwell, just an attention seeker. I've started to make plans to end my life, and my thoughts of acting on them are getting so intense. I'm just a huge waste of space and all of my issues are upsetting everyone else, even my best friends have had enough. I'm such a screw up. Only the fact that I have dd here right now and no one would check on us for days if I were dead is stopping my ending my life. I've taken some diapazem, hut it's not helping. My Cpn says I'm not allowed it, but my GP wrote a repeat. She thinks I'm trying to score drugs, that I'm pretending. I'm not a fake. I'm really really not. Every one hates me and thinks I am. Please please don't say I am too. Please. No one hears me in real life and I'm just messed up. I'm not lying, honestly, I'm not. Please believe me. Some one. Anyone.

I believe you. You're ill; not a fake or a liar. You need to get proper help to get well again, just like you would if you had an illness that was visible.

I think you need to keep talking on here, and you need someone in RL to talk to who won't minimise your feelings.

I hear you, I believe you

Thank you. My Cpn wound me up today. Both her and my friend said I needed to be honest more to get the help I need. What I experienced in Summer was weird and I was so out of it, I had crisis care. But they aren't sure if it was psychosis or not. But I think it was, only I don't tell them half of the stuff that happened so they think I'm making it. I don't say anything because I'm scared my dd will be taken away. I tried to tell her as much as I could today, but she says because I'm so calm I have an odd presentation and they can't figure me out. She says it'll only be a problem if I'm.staying in bed for months and not looking after my dd, but I'm on my own. As if I'd do that to her!

Sorry to post again, but my thoughts are racing. I think part of the problem is that I'm not communicating well with the cpn and my friend says I put on a front. I don't know how to explain it all, but I want to because I need more support. How do I even begin to do that?

Didn't want to read and run op. How are you doing today? I'm here to listen if that's any help to you xx

((HUGS)) You're not a liar. You are ill and you need and deserve to be helped. You have written eloquently on here about your struggles. Do you have a psychiatrist? Can you print out some of your posts and show it to him/her?

Thanks for the replies. I am feeling slightly better and less stress, though I had lots of thoughts of self harm last night and was in a bit of pain today, along with tiredness. I am slowly learning how to distract myself and just not do so much because it can make me worse.

I was also involved in an argument with one of my ex's friends (the one that has just died) who upset me greatly, and used the fact that I'm on medication and have had moments or times when I've lost contact with reality against me. She is now an ex friend. She said and did a lot of hurtful things, including commenting on my parenting skills. I had lots of thoughts to end my life for days after, it was horrible.

My CpN didn't, I feel,listen to me really. I think that I did suffer from a psychotic break during Summer (friends who were around me at the time say so, too), but I concealed a great deal of it. There were only moments where I lost complete insight and I wanted dd back with me so I lied about how bad it was. I think I don't have it now-at all- but I do have depression and confusing, distressing residual symptoms. my CpN says the Doctors aren't sure if I am or was psychotic or not, and has suggested counselling. But I've had five years of intense therapy (mostly paid for by me, in private without the mh team), so I feel that I know how to manage myself. I also feel that I know the difference between a flashback, my imagination and something that isn't real. It's very hard to explain in that I hear voices and see things, less and less, thankfully, but they are real. Only I know they aren't right. It seems I experience things more and more when my depression is very severe, and I think my depression is causing this loss of contact with reality. I think this because I still know it's not real. I just tell myself over and over: not real not real until it becomes so real that I can't stop it. A lot of it happens when I'm on my own too,or if I'm with friends, I just go very quiet.

I'm not too worried about what the actual diagnosis is, or whether it's full psychosis or not, but I think something is being missed here and if I'm offered the wrong or unsuitable treatment, it won't be helpful. I've spent months getting to the point where I'm not in tears all of the time and can get dd to school. I don't want to mess that up, because counselling will lead me into deeper depression. I told my CpN this.

My friend, a very trusted friend, has said that she will come and help me explain to the consultant. She has seen what I was like, and her partner is a senior psychiatrist himself. He even phoned the consultant when I was very unwell, and suggested that I needed different treatment. But they ignored it. I asked them last night, honestly, if they thought I were making it up, and they sad it'd have to be one hell of an act if I were. I think something isn't right about the way I am communicating, so my friend is going to help me.

I haven't heard any voices today, but feel tearful and really really confused.

What support do you want from mH team and will make a difference? Perhaps if you focus on that rather than your diagnosis it will help?

And there are degrees of self harm and whether you feel she is minimising your distress because you do not feel taken seriously it is still distress. Doing things or being suicidal is a common response by MH patients to show distress so many MH workers do not immediately react.

If you do not tell the truth they can only treat what they see. If you are struggling you need to say what is hard, what help you have not got and need. Then they can help you recover but sadly as you know the patient does most of the hard work. Often they offer medication, cpn support ( which is not always amazing as people might hope it to be as it is care coordinator role, risk assessment and helping people to recover in community rather than therapy etc) and counselling.

Would being in hospital help - if you think this ask for it. But there is a differenc e between crisis inpatient care which only cpn or dr or crisis team can refer for, not self request and being an inpatient in a therapeutic community for 6 months which needs a funding request being approved.

Getting a friend to advocate for you sounds great, hope it helps.

My friend has seen me from being well to unwell and now, so I hope that she can try to explain to the doctor what I have been experiencing and why I don't always say everything.

I honestly think a proper diagnosis would help so I could think about the most appropriate support, but I know I definitely need help with benefits and some respite from my dd as I'm.a single mum. I don't think counselling would help right now, as I don't respond well to it, or if I do, it makes my depression worse. They are trying to get me to talk more and honestly, but I get scared that dd will be taken away.

I think I'd also like how to start managing my thoughts if they aren't psychotic, but sonethibg else, as they do feel very real and frightening to me, and I tend to over think. That makes everything worse.

I'm still not sure I'm on the most appropriate medication, but that will be reviewed at the end of the month. I think I'd like yo talk in real life to others who have experienced depression and/or voices and seeing things of any kind (with or without a diagnoses or whatever),because I do become terrified and feel that I'm very alone and I'm the only one that experiences this so I must be mad or making it up.

I know there are different levels of self harm, I used to be a cutter in my teens and have attempted to end my life several times (when i was under cahms) so this feels milder. I appreciate that, but it's slowly increasing in frequency and the level of impulse control I have, if that makes sense? I'm worried I'll get worse.

I don't think hospital would help me as I want to stay with my dd and most days, despite how hard it is, I cope.

One of my voices made me laugh when I was walking to pick dd up today, so it's not all bad

You write very well OP so why not just print it that reply you have written to my questions and give it to them? It is honest, not critical of anyone or anything and says very clearly what help will make a difference.

I find writing easier than speaking - so once I wrote what I needed from a gp and it made the appointment so much easier and my request was facilitated to the best of their ability.

Hope you get a chance to see the doctor with your friend soon, sounds like a great idea for her to go with you. If there is something you think they should know, but often don't manage to say, tell her in advance to bring it up if you don't. Agree with Silver about written description too.

Yes, the trouble is I feel a lot of shame and confusion and I get scared of them seeing that I'm not coping and taking dd away that I end up hiding a lot.

When I was very unwell,I didn't go and see the Doctor for four weeks. I was seeing and hearing things and talking really fast about things that made no sense at all (and that's a mild summary!). But because I didn't see a Doctor and still had some, albeit diminishing, awareness, then I stuck to my choice. It was silly at the time because if they had seen me then I would have been diagnosed and treated properly. I was having conversations between my friends and one of the voices I was hearing a lot at the time.

These things really are fading for me, and my depression is not as severe on some days, though I still get a lot of pain, tiredness and self harm feelings (or self harm) and often get impulses to end my life. To me, that means I'm responding well enough to my increased medication (setraline from 50mg was put up to 150mg and it's been a month) to start talking about what I experience and what help I think I need, or would like. Only I'm very obstructive and don't always explain what that is properly.

I can already read the difference in my posts from the other day until now, although I have taken some diapazem because I felt a little obsessive and out of control this morning.

Sometimes, I feel as though my thoughts just get out control and I get nowhere at all. I have a good (ish) day and think it's going OK, then start hearing things again but fee disbelieved and am back to square 1. I think part of my problem is overthinking (oh, the complexity of that statement!) and my ability to do things- even when unwell.

Your support is helping here. I wonder how other people find mh services and whether they feel listened to?

I got through by seperating my condition from me and analysing it. I think I sort of expected to do the same, give me the meds that would fix it, and be on my way. I've only been in their care since May (after a long long gap with no help at all, mostly because I was well). This is, I know now from reading on here, no time at all so I can't expect to just be 'fixed' and have to be in it for the long haul....

You really have nothing to feel shame about, I understand but please believe me you don't. They won't take your dd away if you seem confused or let them see the fuller picture. After all, reporting your symptoms fully and (hopefully) getting the best possible treatment will make it more likely you can help your dd. I think it would be more worrying from their point of view if they thought you weren't aware of symptoms or weren't telling them things. Honestly though, you do brilliantly with your dd and they're not going to want to take her anywhere. It isn't your fault you're ill, and you are a good mum. It takes real love to struggle on and do all you do for your dd despite the difficulties.

I do think you should rest when you can, try to stop yourself doing too much as you've said before you can tend to do that and it probably backfires in terms of fatigue.

I believe you xxx.

Hello everyone, thanks for the support. I think my anti depressants have worked well in the sense that they are motivating me to want to get better- that's a really good step. They are als helping me to think more clearly and have definately helped me to calm down and talk. I also have some better days now, but do still struggle a lot with pain, fatigue, being upset, concerntration and daily life. I think as I've been them on a while in varying doses (since July), then it might be useful to consider a different one (as I'm on 150mg setraline). I don't the improvement has been what might be expected and the work I'm doing is mainly mine, so I need a little more help, I think. Or at least, I'd like it. I'm due a review in 10 days, my friend will come with me, so that will help.

I phoned my CpN because of how distressed I was (and it's partly tied into what I experience and wanting to go) and explained. She said she didn't say that I was lying, but I need to be more honest to get the right treatment. We were talking about past sexual abuse and I mentioned to her it was important that we only talked about it from my notes, yet I am very honest about it in real life. I also don't let her call me by my preffered name (I've a long name shortened to a name I like). I don't think I trust her very much- but voices and seeing things, whatever the cause even if they aren't psychosis, are really serious, aren't they?

I did tell her something important in that this main voice doesn't like being talked about and so I don't. I can just 'feel' him being upset or grumbling. It's hard to explain because I hear this voice inside my head, not outside of it. I hear music and things like that outside: sometimes, he's involved in scenes. I hear all of my voices inside my head, but after what happened in Summer, only two or three are there, and only sometimes(I did have five!). I'd struggle to recall of their names. But they have appeared and told me their names. I first 'heard' them in April and I recal my heart skipping a beat and thinking it wasn't normal. But then as time went on and they were around more and more, I just accepted it and got on with my life. It was only when the one voice started telling me not to go out and that he was going to set the house on fire if I told people about him that I got worried (that was when I was seeing and hearing lots of things, too, it gradually built up over weeks). Even if I type about him, he growls and grumbles. It's not suprising I wouldn't talk about him much. I actually think I've seen him (he appears) or been out of contact with reality in some way (but never all of the way) for at least 2 years now. I've built a huge coping strategy becase to me, it seemed quite a usual/ normal thing to have. Plus, the lady that appeared in April helped me to write my thesis, she was very comforting, so sometimes I'm reluctant to get rid of them too. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while (an example was I saw one of my tutors when I was on the high street yesterday) and he's around, I feel as though I'm inroducing him to new people and ask him whether he likes them or not. He has feelings of indifference or dosen't like them, or sometimes (rarely) expresses sexual desire towards women. It is very tiring sometimes.

Hopefully my friend should be able to help me to explain. I want them gone, but think I'd be lonely without them.

I'm a bit groggy today because he's been around a lot the last couple of days. Always is when I'm at different stages in my mensrual cycle- I used to think it was pmt. My friend has dd. I'm not dressed yet, suppose I should do that soon. I wish I knew some one else who 'heard' voices in whatever form so they could share their experiences: but sometimes that's not good for me as I tend to convince myself I'm ill or psychotic and I have those symptoms too, when I don't. I think I do it because I struggle and I want an answer, medication and to be well. That sounds weird but sometimes I think if I just tell the mh team things, they will just help me and stop the voices.

Sorry that's so long: it's the most honest I have been in a long time, it is helping, so thank you.

How are you doing Loveisashadow?

I've been struggling a bit, to be honest. I self harmed (slapped myself) this morning because I hated what I saw in the mirror and then nearly had a panic attack- was short of breath and had chest pains. I had to get dd to school so took a diapazem to calm down.

Have been sorting out ex p's (dd's Dad's) funeral today. It's being paid for by social services, but he's not got any other family so I've been sorting a few things (readings and so on) for the funeral. His friends have made my life absolute hell over it, but seem to be OK now it's all coming to an end, so to speak.

I've been struggling a lot with exhaustion and muscle weakness, along with tearfullness and lack of motivation. Have been on 150mg setraline for a month and I think the only real improvement I've seen is the most of my psychotic stuff going- which I'm glad about. I've got all physcial stuff going on though, headaches and just exhausted.

It's graduation tommorow as well. I haven't been out of the house for very long in almost 6 months. I think it's going to be too hard. I feel as though I don't deserve to be there at all.

Now listen to me... OF COURSE YOU DESERVE TO BE AT YOUR GRADUATION!!!! You worked long and hard, got a brilliant result under extremely difficult circumstances, and nobody deserves it more. However, if you don't feel up to going tomorrow then don't beat yourself up about it. The important thing is that you got the degree, not that you were at the ceremony to get it.

Having to sort out ex p's funeral sounds hectic, I'm sorry you're burdened with that as well. When is the funeral?

Will the review you're having soon also deal with the physical issues?

Hang in there.

I do want to go though, especially since tickets and gown hire cost so much (it was a lot). I just struggle because there were people who made my life absolute hell when I was at uni and it's effected every relationship and friendship since.

My friend is meant to be coming tommorow to watch my dd as people have to sit seperately, but I've sent her messages and she hasn't replied. I think she's just fed up of me because I've relied on her so much. There's no-one else to watch DD because everyone has to sit seperately so I don't know if I'll be going anyway. I feel really sad about that and really really guilty for relying on my friend so much. I think I will feel out of place next to all of the pretty and thin girls with their families there who love them...and just me and dd, on our own. I used to love that (we were young rebels together!) but now I just feel loney and ashamed of myself and everything I've done.

The funeral is likely to be at the end of the next week, or the early part of the week after. It's how social services work, they get some one to contact you and then the funeral directors after. It's already been very long- September 25th was when he died. He was in a house fire.

They think the physcial stuff is somatic. It's really going but it's still too much for me. All of it feels too much right now if I'm honest. This is my first episode of depression this severe. It's awful. I hate it.

What happened today?

Ah, you know, nothing much, collected my first class degree, took some photos, the usual :D

It was hard, but I went. My friend took dd in the end. We went for a drink after. I was in quite a lot of pain and had a migrane that nearly made me throw up for most of the ceremony, thought I'd have to leave at a couple of points, but ended up staying and going for a drink with some (non University) friends afterward.

Good for you! I'm so glad you managed to get there in the end. Now hang in there until its time for your review.

You may find it helpful to google the hearing voices network. There are also voice hearers meetings around the uk.