I'm reaching out for help before I do somethibg stupid. Please please don't say I'm a troll. I'm real. I promise. I am. I've posted here for a long time, but with a different username before.
There is something really wrong with me. I've had depression for a year, on meds for the past five months. In summer, I heard voices and saw things and thought really odd things. I thought it was psychosis, but my cpn says it wasn't and maybe it's all linked to past trauma because I still get odd things. But I'm so confused because it feels so real. She says it's my imagination and its very real to me but I can't figure it all out and it scares me and I don't know what I have. Every one thinks in lying because I can't explain what it is. I was so bad my dd lived with my friends for two months. I'm a single mum. My Grandfather died on new years day, and my dds Dad, my ex, in a house fire on September 25th. I've been hitting myself, slapping myself and scratching my arms for months. I also make plans to end my life, a lot. My cpn thinks I'm lying, and says there are different levels of self harm. She minimizes everything I feel and I try to be honest but she says I'm not ill because I'd be more distressed and I'm always calm. I'm calm because if I'm not dd will be taken away. I scratched myself do much after she left today that I have finger nail marks all down one arm. No one believes me. They think I'm lying for attention, but I'm not. There must be something wrong with my personality. I can't take it anymore. I feel like there are no last chances because this it, I'm a liar and a fraud and I'm not unwell, just an attention seeker. I've started to make plans to end my life, and my thoughts of acting on them are getting so intense. I'm just a huge waste of space and all of my issues are upsetting everyone else, even my best friends have had enough. I'm such a screw up. Only the fact that I have dd here right now and no one would check on us for days if I were dead is stopping my ending my life. I've taken some diapazem, hut it's not helping. My Cpn says I'm not allowed it, but my GP wrote a repeat. She thinks I'm trying to score drugs, that I'm pretending. I'm not a fake. I'm really really not. Every one hates me and thinks I am. Please please don't say I am too. Please. No one hears me in real life and I'm just messed up. I'm not lying, honestly, I'm not. Please believe me. Some one. Anyone.