I've just checked the life insurance for their suicide policies

[Inthecellar]

I've been thinking about it for some time and now I know dh would be financially secure.
Everything's fucked up, we're in so much debt. We've been living off overdrafts, credit cards and transferring pennies from one account to another to make ends meet. I'm working 30 hours overtime most weeks in a job I hate and I am knackered. We have three loans that end next June which will make things better but the amount of debt between now and then is mounting.
I'm sick of working so hard and having to worry about money.
I feel like a shit shouty mum and my dc's will be better off with dh and having a secure future.
The only thing that's stopping me is how my death could shape their future and I would hate them to be sad.
I don't know what to do

I'm sure someone will be along with useful advice for you, but in the meantime, PLEASE don't think suicide would be a solution. Your family loves you and would be devastated.

Money isn't everything I would rather struggle with my partner or children than have some money but have to live life without them, and I am should your children would pick their mum over money anyday, life sucks sometimes but hold your head high and keep paddling and like you said the loans will be paid off soon and it will ease a bit, please don't do anything to harm yourself it's not worth it you are

Your DCs won't be better off without you, no way. Please call Samaritans or Step Change, this is not unfixable. You can make an arrangement with your creditors and sort this out.

Inthecellar there is no amount of money that could be an exchange for your life. Your DC will never be better off without their mum - they would be so, so sad if you took your life.

Your situation sounds so wearing. You're doing the best you can, working all hours, you're not a shit mum on that score alone.

Have you talked to someone - debt advice - about consolidating your loans, and what options you might have? There are a few options but here is the info for National Debtline, which is government funded: www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/Pages/default.aspx

And then do you have someone you can talk to about the serious stress that you are under? It's so hard to open up to people in RL, I know, and you're working so hard to hold it together. Could you talk to your GP? I have found mine really helpful in the past.

Step Change www.stepchange.org

samaritans

stepchange

X post with Rooty.

Please get help now, dial 111 & tell them how you are feeling & you can see a doctor this evening.
Debt is temporary
Death is permanent.
Xx

OP I'm 53 and remember a neighbour committing suicide. Her children are my age and have never got over it. Please don't even consider this - it leaves a terrible legacy for your kids. Money worries can be dealt with eventually - already you can see things improving next year. Do you own your own home? If so why not sell up and move to a smaller house or cheaper area? Or rent the house out for a while? Just something to tide you over till your finances are back on track. Your local council or CAB may offer free money advice.

You said in June, so 9 months, things will be better financially. So a tough nine months with some hard work and keeping things tight financially as you say and then things financially will start to improve. I hope you can hold onto that. If it was me I would create a little chart of how many weeks and tick them off!!

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90

They're there 24 hours if you need someone to talk to.

It's understandable if you're feeling exhausted with all the work and stress.

Would you get sick pay if your GP signed you off work? I know that won't help with the overtime pay.

It probably won't pay out if you kill yourself. You need to concentrate on the other links above.. Nothing will be solved that way. Just a lifetime of suffering for your family. Please, please get some help.

Your children can cope without things, treats, money. They wouldn't cope without you. You are in all likelihood a wonderful, strong, intelligent, beautiful woman who us very much loved by the people in her life. People who would be broken without her.

Money isn't everything and strife will pass. Believe me, I've been somewhere like your shoes. I look at DS & DH every day & thank everything I didn't follow the darker path. Money problems can be worked through. Please don't hurt yourself for money.

If you commit suicide, your children will never have a secure future. They will spend the rest if their lives believing that they were not a good enough reason for you to live. No child should feel that way. I've seen the effect of a parent's suicide, and it lasts for generations.

Call your GP in the morning, and call the Samaritans now.

My mum died of cancer when I was 13. It was devastating. No amount of money could have been any kind of compensation for losing her.

I know it's easy for me to say, but it's only money. You are worth so much more to your kids. What's the absolute worst case financially? Plenty of people go through bankruptcy and still have good lives. If your kids still have you, their mum, you as a family can get through this, whatever happens financially. You, their mum, can never be replaced. Please, please don't do this to them.

It's not just the money, it's who I am. I know I sound like a self pitying fool. I have a husband who loves me and three beautiful beautiful children who are healthy.

Do you ever get the feeling like you just weren't meant to be?
I'm so lonely, I'm numb, in general just get the feeling that I'm not a very likeable person.

I just spend everyday on the verge of tears going through the motions.
My dh deserves someone better

Do you ever get the feeling like you just weren't meant to be?

Yes, tbh. I'm a depressed wreck who is wasting her life. But whenever I think of suicide, the legacy of guilt and shame for DD, and for my parents, stops me.

I was standing at my aunt's graveside a month or so ago. She died of cancer last November, leaving her partner to raise their teenage daughter alone. Oh he's devastated, they adored each other. And through my curtains of tears, we had such a black moment of humour, lamenting the fact that noone tells you when you have kids that this means you can't top yourself anymore.

How horrible to feel such despair. Things can be better. Do you think you could talk to your GP about how you are feeling?

I'm sorry things are crap for you too, Rooty.

Lonely, numb, on the verge of tears going through the motions - that all sounds like you are ill with depression. You don't have to just battle on, you can get help. Try going to see your GP, as a starting point.

3nieces Dad committed suicide, it affected them all very deeply.

I've had many of the feelings you describe, it is so painful to feel that way I understand wanting the feelings to stop. I found the Samaritans helped me keep going and the worst did pass.

I hope you can reach out for RL help as well as the great support you will find here

Inthecellar, how are you this morning? I've been thinking of you, trying to work out what to say that could possibly help. I want to find the words to say that I know what it feels like to feel that if you open up to let anything out, even the smallest crack, you'll fall apart. But sealed up like that, nothing can get out, you can't breathe. Please ring someone. Ring your doctor. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi OP, how are you feeling today?

You are dealing with a hell of a lot right now. But suicide isn't the answer, my mother died of cancer when I was 16 and it has coloured the rest of my life.

I too, like Rootypig am a depressed wreck, but my children need me here being their mum. Even if I am a shouty depressed one.

Please go and see you GP and explain how you are feeling. I did, and it has made a huge difference. I am by no means better but at least I don't want to throw myself under a train now. If I killed myself today our mortgage would be paid off and all debts gone, and 10 years down the line my children will be sitting in therapy explaining how their mothers death screwed them up.

I know the feeling of utter despair and worthlessness please, please talk to someone in real life. Keep talking on here too there are some lovely kind people who offer sound advice.

thank you all for your messages of support.
I won't do anything drastic, I need to think things over.
I've been to the gp about four times, I've tried fluoxetine and citalopram. Neither worked then the gp seemed disinterested and I don't want to go down that route again. I've bought some st John's wort today.
It's bloody difficult when all I want to do is lie in bed in the dark but the world keeps turning and the dc's need me so no chance of that.

Hey Inthecellar, thanks for coming back. It's good to know you're ok. I know that feeling - I take to my bed and my laptop whenever I can. Numbing.

Do you have a big GP practice? can you see someone else? have you had a referral for any kind of talk therapy? I know service provision varies but there's usually something.

Hi thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are. Have you been offered anything other than AD's? CBT or Mindfulness or other talking type therapy. Perhaps having a person to talk to on the outside of your situation could help you?