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Original poster

Can anti-depressants make you feel like you have fallen out of love?

35 replies

ComeInOrson · 09/08/2014 23:28

DH got quite severe depression and changed over a few weeks and became quite angry / difficult / illogical / mean / uncommunicative / snappy / always crying and quite blaming towards me. Everything was my fault. I could do no right. Bringing up everything I had ever done in the past to annoy him (some stuff so petty like forgetting to fill the car with petrol)

I managed to get him to go to the doctors and he got straight onto Citalopram and about 10 days after taking them he told me he didn't love me anymore and felt nothing towards me and is completely numb and just wants to be alone.

I read online that citalopram can cause temporary side effects but it has been six months now and DH is still telling me he doesn't love me anymore. Doesn't want sex and is so distant.

I am really confused. We were still in the honeymoon period. Married only a year. It doesn't add up. We were really happily married and I have done heaps of online tests "how to know if your husband loves you" and before he was depressed or started these pills he ticked all the boxes. Bringing me flowers all the time, calling constantly from work to say he loved me, he could not keep his hands off me and we had sex every day.

I am really feeling confused. It was like he switched off all his emotions. Could this be the medication / depression ?

Is he in there somewhere?

He seems to hate me!

OP posts:
violator · 10/08/2014 09:17

Yes. I felt nothing really while on antidepressants. Never felt excited or fearful or sad or really happy.
They also very often kill sex drive.

The flowers and sex every day was always going to taper off at some point, but I would say the medication has completely put the brakes on it.

Has he considered counselling with a view to coming off the medication?

LittleBearPad · 10/08/2014 09:19

It's almost certainly the citilopram and the depression. Has he tried CBT or another AD. I hated citilopram. Sertraline was better for me

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:10

Thank you. He won't go to counselling, he says there's no point. He won't try another medication or talk to the doctor. He says the pills make him feel better and why would he stop.

The flowers and sex didn't taper off violator. It just stopped cold and dead :/

He says he was happy and in love in November and all the time previous to that, then he started to get the feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness in December and he said this was when he started to think that maybe he was falling out of love because he didn't feel the same glow about me but he thought it would blow over.

After a couple of months I realised he was depressed because he couldn't sleep or concentrate and he kept bursting into tears and when he couldn't go to work I got him to see the GP.

Then he started the medication which he said made him feel much better, the crying stopped after a 10 days, but he went very cold and detached with it and at that point he said he told me he didn't love me, didn't feel any emotions at all to me.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 10:22

What dose is he on? I have to say that citalopram does dull ones labido and take quite an edge off feelings. I have been on it for some time now. Dp and I been together for 22 years and our sex life has definitely dropped off. But we weren't in the honeymoon period so I guess I wasn't feeling the glow beforehand.

It sounds like the medication is allowing him to hide from his feelings and that may be what he needs just now but unless he faces up to what is triggering his depression he isn't going to move on. You cannot make him have counselling but ultimately that is what he needs. Citalopram is a plaster not a cure.

Do avoid those cosmo style "does he love me" quizzes. They are no measure of a persons feelings.

Give him some time and don't keep asking if he loves you etc. It will only cause him to withdraw more. However he doesn't get to treat you bbadly.living with someone with depression is incredibly hard. You have to remind yourself that it is an illness.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:31

20mg LEMmingaround.

I know the cosmo quizzes seem silly, but I feel desperate or like I am going crazy because it's illogical and doesn't make any sense.

We know what caused his depression (a job loss / difficulty getting a new one and resulting financial worries / debt that will be around for a while to come).

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 10:35

I can relate to the financial worries. It is insidious. Not silly but not helpful and will only make you feel worse.

Have a look at the national debtline website for advice on how to deal with debts. They are very helpful and can offer practical help.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:36

I also think I am depressed now. I don't cry all the time or feel suicidal like he did but I can't read books, watch films or do anything that requires concentration. I can't get to sleep most nights till 4am. I then find it hard to wake up in the morning. I have lost a lot of weight. I procrastinate and have become disorganised and detached from people and am avoiding social contact.

I know I should see the GP but really DON'T want to get on anti-depressants. Yes, I am having counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:38

LEM I suggested all those idea for the debt problem and he won't discuss it. He thinks if we do anything like that it will blight his record, he thinks it is shameful, he thinks people will find out. He would rather do anything than face or actively deal with the issue.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 10/08/2014 10:42

It sounds like the ADs are working but only to a point. They're pulling him out of the depression but only to a 'nothing' level where he still doesn't have the energy/oomph to get better. Apologies if thus isn't well expressed

What kind of repeat prescription is he on and how much nous does his GP have or will they keep prescribing pills. CBT or counselling would be really helpful if he'd accept it.

LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 10:51

I totally understand his stance there but in the end we had no choice. It really depends on the level of debt and whether he can afford repayments. We stuck our heads in the sand for ages and it just got worse and it ruined our credit rating. If its credit card debt and he can only afford minimum payment he is only paying off the interest. Defaulting on the debts will affect your credit rating but not so much as if priority debts fall behind. There is NO shame in getting into debt. Pm me if you want any advice. I have been through hell with debts but it is sortable. Companies cannot hassle you if its affecting your mental health - they will fall over themselves to offer solutions. If not they nay find themselves the wrong side of the law.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:51

They are talking about tapering off soon. I'm worried because he doesn't seem at all "better" or like the man I know but more like he has switched off entirely. I think he's struggling to accept how serious this is and I'm really worried about relapsing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 10:53

LEM we can just about afford the minimum payments but it wiped out our savings, but us into debt, he now has a lower paid job and if anything comes up I don't know how we would pay for it. If I tell him he needs to get debt advice he starts to talk about divorce :/

I don't feel shame over it - we had back luck - but for him it's humiliating and he's really worried about what his parents will think especially.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 11:00

His parents dont need to know. He can write to the credit card companies and ask for the interest to be frozen. This will put him into default and take a few points off his credit score but it means you are actually paying off the debt not the interest. They will want a budget sheet but the national debtline has a online one that helps you work out pro rata payments if you have multiple creditors. It took us a Long Time to get our heads out of the sand but things got better when we did.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 11:11

I agree with you completely LEM, I have tried so many times to talk to him about it but he won't / can't listen. At least until he feels a lot better. He's incredibly bull headed.

OP posts:
Iwasinamandbunit · 10/08/2014 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 11:43

The national debtline is a debt charity. Thier website is amazing and you don't need to contact them to be aware of your rights etc. It really is very useful.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 12:11

LEM I will call them myself and at least get the information.

He is like a zombie. He doesn't get emotional about films or family members being ill. He says he doesn't really care about anything actually.

OP posts:
StarShank · 10/08/2014 12:14

Sounds like such a difficult situation for you :( Side effects will have worn off by now, but the medication along with the depression sound like they are still effecting him.

At the end of the day if he wont engage in talking therapy and wont talk about a change of meds - there is nothing you can do.

Sounds really harsh but you either stay and support him as much as you can or cut and run. Horrible choice I know.

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 12:19

I'll stay :( We literally had the most amazing marriage and relationship so leaving is not an option and will never be unless he chooses to.

I just want to hang onto faith that feeling of love for me will return.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/08/2014 12:21

You are being so strong. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

StarShank · 10/08/2014 12:24

Hang onto the faith then. I do with my DH. Sometimes taking a back-seat approach is more helpful. Something like "I love you more than anything, I'm sorry your suffering, I won't try to convince you to do anything about this illness you have, but I'll support you as much as I can. Things can get better and I'm here for you". REALLY hard to do. But sometimes backing off gives the other person a sense of responsibility to change. Just my opinion obviously, you know your relationship. hugs from a stranger on the internet

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 12:30

Thanks StarShank. This is the approach I AM taking. He knows this is how I feel and he constantly thanks me. I have told him all these things. I don't hassle him for love or sex. I let him be.

We are often quite loving and close...it's just that he feels that feeling he used to feel about me as absent.

I miss being loved really. The way he used to look at me before this with his eyes alight and the way he used to communicate the love for me is just gone.

OP posts:
StarShank · 10/08/2014 12:38

"This is the approach I AM taking. He knows this is how I feel and he constantly thanks me."

That is really nice. Your strong to do that, I'm glad he appreciates it.

Does he blame the meds/depression on not loving you the way he used too?

Original poster
ComeInOrson · 10/08/2014 12:57

No, he doesn't want to analyse that, he says he is using all his energy on surviving so I don't push him to discuss this.

If I ask him, how did you feel about me in November and all the years before that, he says he loved me to bits, I was the love of his life, he could not wait to try for a baby, he could not wait to come home after work, he thought I was the most beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful woman in the world.

A month later he got depressed and suddenly I could do no right, I was the enemy. He was just angry...a sort of blanket angry that was directed at me with no known explanation. He acted like he hated me. He was also crying all the time. I mean every day for long periods. He says now he was suicidal.

The medication resolved the anger and crying and he describes having a stable platform now, but it left a sort of blank page where he's not himself at all. He says he has flashes of agitation and blackness but no joy or anything or that nature.

He just thinks he stopped loving me for reasons he can't explain. He says he still think I am the most wonderful / beautiful woman in the world. None of it makes any sense to me.

He doesn't think the medication has messed him up. He thinks it's saved him and even mentioning changing it in any way scares him because he doesn't want to go back to how he did feel before.

He has moments where he looks at me and says he thinks he still loves me and he looks confused himself. He's generally kind to me now but it's like a glass wall is between us.

OP posts:
StarShank · 10/08/2014 13:15

Sounds like the medication is helping a bit then. Understandably he does not want to go back to that darker place. Depression and meds do make you numb/closed off. It is such a shame he won't have any therapy/counselling :( But as I'm sure you know he has to want it. Must be so frustrating. I can relate. Mine cycles - 1 week he is fine and loving and the next week he lives in the bedroom and is nasty and drinks. Mental illness is bloody horrible.

You never know he might come to a place where either he decides he does want therapy, or this episode of depression resolves itself. Would he consider self help strategies? www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/leaflets/Depression%20A4%202013.pdf